Finally....I feel like I'm there

"Age gave me the freedom to be me.."

      ~ When I was younger I was always living in the future. I used to think, "I'll be happy when I'm thinner, prettier, more popular"....there was always some place I was reaching to get to so I could give myself permission to be happy. Little did I know this whole time it was here all along; it was already within me ~

        Hello Loves! Happy Monday...can you believe it's already the holiday season? I love it! I love the warmth within strangers, gingerbread lattes, windy days...it's just a special time. So I was thinking of this past year & in a few weeks I'll be coming upon my 31st birthday. Wow...time flies when you're having fun. 30 has literally been one of my most defying and growing years in so many amazing ways. The other day I was at a family baptism & a few of my family members said to me & to my Mom how I seem so happy. And you know what? They're absolutely right. I have never felt at peace in so many ways & I truly believe turning 30 has done that. 

       As most of you who have followed my blog and daily self-love posts on instagram know my story. And for those of you who don't...well let's just say it was a rocky road to get to where I am. But I would not have it any other way. I realized that next month will be a year since I have been in remission with my legs. I have not had to use a cane, no crazy Doctor apts...just my regular appointments to check up on my autoimmune disease to make sure I stay in remission. I am so blessed to be healthy, & there is never a day that goes by that I don't thank God for that. Especially since the past two & a half years I was always sick & relapsing.

     

     I was lucky enough to fall in love, not once this year but twice. And even though that break up hurt me back in the beginning of summer, I'll always be grateful for that time. My ex showed me to believe in love again, & now my current love has showed me what a "Fairy Tale Love" feels like. I've found my true soul mate in my childhood best friend. I joked with him the other day that if I would of known he'd be the one at 15, I could of saved myself so many years of sadness, bad dates, & heartache with men. But he'd reminded me that timing was everything. He's right...because I was that girl who never felt good enough therefore I chose guys who maybe weren't the best for me. They disappointed me, left me speechless at times, & broke my heart. Yet each relationship showed me who I was, each ending led me to a new beginning. A stronger version of myself. And now that I have Donald, I see that he only helps to guide me to be a better person. A more loving, compassionate, & strong person. With him I'm "there" already. 

        But best of all, turning 30 gave me the freedom to be me. The brave me, the vulnerable me, the genuine me, & in the end I FINALLY felt like I discovered the true beauty in me. As a teen I was so mean to myself, & constantly living in the "When I get there," mentality. I was searching for the perfect number on the scale, when this year I finally threw out my food journal & scale & just made the decision to eat to live, not live to eat. And I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I graduated college with my AA, & I plan to go back but after years of struggling with my learning disability,  I am taking a break. Graduation was a breakthrough moment because for me it validated my perseverance. And never feeling smart enough has always been a huge insecurity for me. And when I put on that cap & gown this year, I felt "there" FINALLY. I had my first solo art show & sold pieces, which was so gratifying because I was FINALLY brave enough to share my personal pieces of art. I FINALLY left my job of ten years, & got over my fear of unknown territory. All these dreams had started to become reality & it was as if I was on the outside looking in. 

        I feel like all these happy moments are everything I deserve. Only pure happiness can be appreciated when you have been through dark phases. My faith in God & praying to my Nana has helped. Writing has helped. Running & yoga have helped. My family & friends have helped. But in the end it all came down to changing my perspective. And last year a few days after my 30th birthday something FINALLY clicked, & I knew if I wanted to be truly happy I'd have to work for it. And I have...& the beauty in that is I was so close to being "there"...but I just had to allow myself to FINALLY realize it. And you all will too, if you haven't already.

     

Mending Broken Fences....

Me, myself, and I......

      Hey Loves! Happy Fall! Can you believe that tomorrow will already be October & then only three months left of 2013? Crazy...but I cannot complain because 30 has probably been one of my happiest years in a long time. Sure there are a lot of mistakes I have made, but through each one I am trying to see them, evaluate them, and eventually learn from them. I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be either. I have to say that if you aren't able to look at yourself and see your own faults, then you're going to have a pretty hard time getting through life. I truly believe that communication is at the root of all misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even broken relationships. Have you ever hurt someone so much or messed things up that it scares you to even think about how to mend things? I know I have, and the ego can get in the way of fixing them too. To be the first to say your sorry is a scary thing I know, but what's even scarier is losing that person.
      I admit my depression in 2011/12 took a toll on personal relationships of mine. I pushed myself further and further from people because I was caught up in my own unhappiness over my health issues, among other things. So for the next three months I plan to work on these relationships one by one. I know that it is almost impossible to mend things perfectly, but what is the hurt in trying? How exactly can we start when the mess looks out of control? Just piece by piece, day by day I guess. Remember it's all in our perception, and sometimes that means not making assumptions of how others feel. That's one of the biggest things I've tried to practice is to not make assumptions over things I have no idea about.
      I'm learning this in my new relationship to not think or assume he'll do this or that like my past relationships. When you expect to get hurt because you've gotten used to dealing with it, well it's time to change your perspective and expect good things! My new love makes me want to be a better person and that is the best kind of love. So whether you are with someone who makes you want to better yourself, or not, just know it's always a positive thing to look at yourself & your life to see what is fixable. Maybe you aren't ready to mend those broken fences yet, but the first step is to start thinking about them. And sometimes that means leaving things the way they are and letting them go as well. Fear can really overtake our life and ruin things if we let it, so we have to put our energy into faith instead. So have faith that whatever messes you've made emotionally can be fixed too. Some may take longer than others, but that is life. So start thinking faithfully, not fearfully.

His love makes me want to be a better me....

A Summer's Glow...

Pure Bliss.....

Summer Living......

       Hello Loves!!! Happy September! How are you all? I have missed blogging a lot & so much has happened since the last time we talked. My last post at the end of July was about all of the changes that had happened, my breakup, & finding myself again. I still feel like each day we as women grow, & I know all the changes that happened that seemed scary were actually true blessing in disguise. I think I am truly the happiest I have ever been. 30 has truly been a beautiful year. It's so funny because I made a vision board back in January with one of my best friends Rasha & a lot of the visions I wanted to come true have & still are. I had my 1st solo art show, I moved out on my own, I left my job after nearly ten years, & so much more.
     

Body Acceptance never felt so good....

I think one of the biggest changes that I am really proud of & feel amazing about is that after many years of being obsessed over my weight, I have finally come to terms with loving my body. My weight obsession was like a bad best friend I could not kick since I was about 17 when I first started to gain weight. Then going on prednisone & gaining 50 pounds twice didn't help either. After years of keeping a food journal, I finally stopped & I have never felt better. Why do we feel we need to wait for a number to tell us when we can start living our life? You see, I had it wrong all along, because you have to love life, live it, embrace it, & in that you may just start to fall in love with your body. Also I had a two week flare up a few weeks ago with my autoimmune disease & it was really scary to the point where I thought I might relapse. Luckily I didn't, but it truly woke me up to the most important thing & that should always be my health, not my weight. Yes, I have cellulite, stretch marks, & I'll never have a flat tummy, but I am fine with that. There is so much more to life than counting calories. I have finally let go of that bad best friend (aka: My Weight Obsession) & I don't miss her one bit.
       Another exciting thing that has happened is I have fallen in love again. I know, it seems so quick but it always comes when you aren't looking. In this case, after just getting out of a relationship only at the beginning of the summer I was definitely not looking for another one. I'll never forget sitting there on Memorial Day so sad after my ex broke up with me. There I was a few days before my college graduation starting summer out completely heartbroken & feeling lost. Fast forward to today, celebrating Labor Day with my new love, yet aside from being in love again, I just feel found again. My new boyfriend has been my best friend since I was in 7th grade, & we giggle that our love story feels like one of those movies where you realize that person you've been searching for has been there all along. We had not seen each other in years, but once we did, it felt like no time had passed. Overall I am just so grateful. I'm healthy & in remission. I love my new job. I'm taking a year off of school to write, paint, & just live! It feels kind of like a "Summer Glow."

Love....

Pure Bliss...Coffee for two.

"Laughter, Love, and Lessons Learned..."

"I am woman, I bend I don't break."-Chozenwoman

        Hello Loves! How are you all? I have been just enjoying summer & there has been a lot of changes since the last time I wrote to you. How is your summer going so far? I hope well! I can't believe that tomorrow is August 1st! Time truly flies. So the last time I wrote to you was in mid June & I had just graduated from college as well as going through a breakup. I did not feel the need to even address it because I was still hoping somehow we would get back together, but now that I know it is over so I figured why not share what I learned through this growing period. 

        The week me & E broke up was the last week of my finals & I was trying desperately to hold it together while writing essays & studying. Even after graduation I felt so lost, like I had lost my best friend. For some odd reason the mornings were the worst; more so than the night because I'd wake up wondering if it was reality. Even though we dated only a little under six months & having had longer relationships in the past, for some reason this one really hit hard because I just could not understand where it had went wrong. When someone breaks up with you, rejection can really screw with your self-worth. But after crying at least once a day for two weeks straight; it hit me, I had to learn to become my own best friend again. So that was my limit to pick myself off the ground. 

        So one of the first things I did was find a "Theme Song," which may sound super corny but literally every morning when I'd wake up I would play it..just once a day,  but it still helped. Mine was "Gonna get over you," by Sara Bareilles. It was a cute & uplifting song that made me smile. Then I worked out...a lot! Running has always been my therapy & so I just would pack my workout clothes & would run everyday after work. Somehow it always helps me forget the pain for a while. Then I made a bold change & got a new job after nearly 10 years at the same one. I was so scared, but I really felt like this was just another way of growing & moving on from things that no longer served me. And it truly helped my confidence. With that being said I also decided to take a year off from school until I get my next degree. I need a break & in all honestly I'm not too sure what I plan to do yet. Whether it be professional writing or teaching with my degree in English, I just want more time to think about it. 

           So what else did I do to help me move on a little from my breakup? I dated again, pretty soon after & when I look back on it I think as long as you don't take it too seriously than it is fine, but sometimes it can get a little complicated for the other person, especially if you're not over your ex. And in my case, I wasn't. It was fun for a while, but then I realized that I am just not one of those girls who can jump into something so shortly after. I need time to heal & find myself again. So that is what I have been doing. I have had a few drunken girls nights out, I have rented a lot of movies, done some retail therapy, wrote a lot,  laughed a lot, consumed a lot of sweet treats, & well have just been giving myself the time I need to let myself heal. I have been through bad break ups & truly what I realized within this one is this. Each breakup is in a way the same in the end,  because you feel like you'll never love again or you question yourself-but don't! I was recently rereading an old journal that I had poetry & pieces of my heartaches at 24, 28, & here I was again at 30 & you know what? They were exactly the same sad emotions I described then what I was feeling now, but what gave me a spark of hope was I did make it through those breakups, & each time I fell in love it was more beautiful than the last. And no matter how bad it hurts, just be grateful for that person because in truth they helped you believe in love again. And someday we will find that "last love" that won't ever end. But true love comes from ourselves first....Oh yes & a new hair color always seals the deal in the healing process too! LOL! God Bless Loves & Have Faith!

        

Caterpillars, Butterflies, & Letting Go.....

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."~Author Unknown

       Hello Loves...how are you all? I miss writing so much...it is so cathartic for me in so many ways yet I have been avoiding it because I feel as therapeutic as it is when I write things out, it also becomes my truth when I look down at that piece of paper. When I write I never hold back, not one bit. In my blogging I do more only because I feel not everyone deserves to see that much nakedness of my soul. I write to give back what other author's writing has done for me, & that is to fill my heart. To read their truth & feel less alone knowing I am not the only one who feels a certain way. So I only hope my writing does that for my readers.
   
      So much has changed since the last time I spoke with you. Good & bad but also eye opening to look within myself to see certain things I want to improve on & change. Have you ever felt so flawed where you almost wish you could start over in the way you have done things? I know I have, especially lately. But you know what...I can't & when I really think about my life, I now disagree. Because each mistake, each good deed, each heartache, each vulnerable moment, & everything I have done has made me who I am. I am a thirty year old girl who at times feels as though I can talk too much, I can be a bit selfish, I procrastinate, & I'm a bit of a diva too, but I also am a genuine girl that tries to make others laugh, tries to inspire people, & when I love someone I give everything I have. I am Janene Brooke...the late bloomer who does not really know what her next step in life is, but does know that the fear she usually feels is slowly melting away. So remember loves..there are certain moments like these where we wish we already were that perfect butterfly~flawless, beautiful, & in perfect harmony, but the truth is we are all caterpillars evolving over & over. So whether you feel like a butterfly at the moment or just a caterpillar that's okay too. Remember either place your in just know that you deserve love & in the end that can only truly come from within. Namaste.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."-

     

Runners High...My Therapy

Getting ready to run....

     

Outside Runs clear my head the most...it's my Time with God.

Hello Loves. How are you all? Happy Mother's Day if you are a Mother! Things have been a little bit crazy for me. Work, School, & well LIFE. Sometimes I feel on top of the world yet at other times I feel like I could crumble. I have felt really alone this week. Do you ever feel that way? I realize at the end of the day we truly have to be our own best friend & have a solid foundation & base for who we are. People are going to give their opinions about you either behind your back or to your face, but you have to be confident in WHO YOU ARE so that no matter what happens you know that you will be okay in the end.
      I think each year we get a little bit wiser in the things that shattered us or confused us before. I have always been a "People Pleaser," & always so worried to please others by getting their approval or making sure I don't have them mad at me but as I get older I try to care less & less. Unless they are someone I really value or cherish. As I have gotten older I try to handle conflict or confrontation head on, & if I've screwed up I am all for saying "Sorry." Yet if I feel I am not in the wrong I have gotten more careful in who I give those "I'm sorrys" too. I have felt really isolated lately & it is not a good feeling. Sometimes it feels like High School when you hear things said about you that are not nice & as tough as I am now & am a different person than that insecure high school girl it still stings. Gosh I think about celebrities & how tough their skin must be seeing all the negative things said about them. Can you imagine being in a grocery store & see your face splattered on US Weekly with a rude title either questioning your motives or criticizing your weight? I have to give those women credit. They must have some strong armor on.
      This past week was really hard too because my boyfriend is training for his next boxing match & I realize how hard it's been to not be able to see him or talk to him as much. He has become one of my best friends & it feels like a piece of me is missing. Yet I am so proud of his dedication & hard work. I realized I cannot be selfish because he has always been there & supported me so I need to give him his space & do the same. So this week I started working out again, & will continue because no matter what running is my therapy. Sometimes too when I have too much emotion to write or talk about I run it out. It is so healing because it does not take thinking & there is no judgement. When I write I can judge myself when I'm venting. When venting to someone else, they can judge me. Yet when I run...there is no judgement. I work out my problems just by zoning out. To me that is when God takes over & gives my mind a break. So what are you waiting for? Do what you need to do in your own way to shut off that chaos in your life; whether it be from the world or from yourself. Namaste.

"Dear God, where can I buy a map?"

Have you ever felt like Dorthy in the "Wizard of Oz?" Not knowing which yellow brick road to take?

      Hello Loves! How are you all doing? Can you believe it is the last day of April? Tomorrow May begins & it is going to be a crazy month for me! Am I ready? Well I don't really have a choice & for the most part it is all exciting things that will be happening, but it is just a matter of keeping my stress levels down, & like even today as much as I did not want to run I forced myself to jump on the treadmill.  Then my two best friends stopped by but I still got on the treadmill as we visited...Lol! It is all about multi-tasking, & us women are amazing at it. So what is to come in May? Well I will be graduating with my AA in a few weeks, & it has been a long road with my learning disability as well as my health issues, having to drop classes & things like that. So I am excited. Along with balancing work, social things, working out, & making some other big changes it is already starting to feel overwhelming.
      So today I decided to see my school counselor to see what my next move was in terms of transferring & getting my BA in English. I only have two classes after this coming semester for English to transfer, but just a few months ago after questioning what would I do with an English degree it finally hit me. To major in English & become an elementary teacher & that way I could teach kids my love of writing, art, & so on. And still write on the side in hopes of getting a book published but yet having a steady job. It was perfect & I finally felt settled in what direction I was going until today. I learned that basically if I wanted that career path it would be a minimum of nearly four years. I was heartbroken, & for the first time being thirty actually hit me. All I could think was, "Holy Sh*t! I don't have four years!"
      As the day went on...I finally found a word I could attach to my emotions. It was "LOST," I feel lost that I want to make changes in my life but I also want to finish school in terms of getting a BA, yet time is so precious. Also this feeling of regret & anger at myself came over me. I have wasted time in not knowing what I was gonna do with my life, & now it seems too late to start the path I want too. I know it is never to late, but than I look at my friends my age & I start playing that "Comparison Game." For the first time in a long time, I really do not know what to do or which direction to go. What is in my heart? To become a writer above anything else. I think taking the risk of really just focusing on my English degree & not knowing it will all work out is paralyzing to me. I want to write an amazing & inspiring book to help other women more than anything, but I feel this pang of insecurity in thinking that wanting to become a professional writer is as fickle as saying that I want to become a rock star. I don't know, & it is a scary feeling. Have you ever felt that way? If so what did you do or where did you seek your answer? I would really love & appreciate your feedback. I have two choices. I can just go for the English & teaching degree full force. Or just go straight for the English degree & be done in less than two & a half years & just focus on getting my writing out there. One thing is certain & that is I do believe in my writing because all I write is my truth.
      Last week I went to a poetry reading at school for one of my classes & I was so enamored with the author that I even got butterflies to talk to her after the show. I regretted so much not expressing to her how amazing I thought she was, but little did I know I would get my chance. The next day in my other writing class, she walked in as our guest speaker, & I remember thinking that God had given me a second chance to speak to her. So I raised my hand nervously & asked her how she got over the fear of sharing her poetry & not letting that feeling of vulnerability paralyze her from even sharing it to begin with. She told me that there will always be that fear, & that it never really fully goes away. I told her that I have stacks of poems I almost never share, yet last year when I did, it got published by a professor at school. She told me that sometimes it's better to fabricate your stories so that way you don't give it all away. "Otherwise it's just you reading your journal out loud," she said. My cheeks turned red from embarrassment, because being extremely raw & open was the only way I know how to write. Were all my poems just sappy stories of my past? Then it hit me..so what! In the end, nobody else really knows what is fabricated in one's writing & what isn't anyway. And I realize that my truth may be someone else's truth, & if my poems can help them feel a little less alone than it is all worth it. My writing makes me feel emotionally naked but I would not have it any other way. That is what writing is all about anyways; feeling inspired to inspire & connected. I just have to write what comes naturally. So that is exactly what I have to do with my next move; do what will come naturally.

Writing is what has & will always fill my SOUL....