What you waiting for?

Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares 'cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance 'cause you might grow
Oh, oh oh

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for?!
Tick tock, Tick Tock...
     
       Awwww....that song. Those lyrics. I had gotten this idea to title one of my blog post this after hearing Gwen Stefani's song, "What you waiting for?" running to it on the treadmill a while ago. For the first time, having listening to it a million times, finally at 30 years old, it spoke to me. Yet now, at 31 years old it is screaming at me. What are we really waiting for anyways? To be the greatest we can be, to love fully without hesitation, to wear that outfit we keep trying to get "skinnier" for, to speak up, & to basically to just live life fearlessly.
       Happy New Years Loves! Can you believe it is already 2014? Insane how the year flew by! 2013 was truly one of my best years I have had in a while...after nearly two years of depression & health issues up until then..I was breaking emotionally. Then finally, something drastically changed; me & my perspective. So what did I learn from this past year in changing those things? Well I learned to...

1. Be Bold in following your Dreams! I was always so scared of even attempting to go for my dreams because at first I thought that getting disappointed from failing would be worse than not trying at all. Because if I did not try, at least I would not be disappointed if my dreams were rejected. Yet now I realize that if you do take a chance and succeed, oh wow...what a beautiful thing. This year I finally achieved my dream of having my very own solo art show...and I sold many pieces. It really built my confidence to believe in my creative outlets. So just try it! What do you truly have to lose? The only loss in you not following you dreams is throwing away a talent that was placed in your soul by God...or your Higher Power. Dreams are above us, they are a fire that ignites within us. So what are you waiting for; Be Bold!
2. Dump that Bad Body Image Inner Dialogue! You know that other voice in your head? The one that tells you that you should not eat that & that you are not thin enough? Dump her! Sure..it is great to have weight loss goals to improve your health & boost your confidence. But here is a secret I learned this year...you must love yourself NOW because getting to a certain number on the scale shouldn't dictate your confidence or happiness. What does boosts your confidence I believe while losing weight is the dedication in waking up to get that early morning run in when you just want to press snooze again. What boosts your confidence is that you are treating your body as a temple, so therefore as a nice car that needs good gas, you are as well putting good fuel into your body. So quit thinking that in hating your body, it will help you love it more. Because it won't. Say nice things to yourself. Think of your body as a little child that you need to nourish with love and beautiful words so that it can blossom. I have struggled so much in this category, and I think for all women it will be a challenge. But practice makes perfect. So what you waiting for...keep practicing on loving your body! No matter what size! 
3. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken...because you will get through it. I was lucky enough to fall in love twice this past year, which was a lot seeing that I had not been in a serious relationship in nearly 3 years. I was with my ex E from the beginning of January till memorial day. Needless to say, getting dumped was not the way I imagined starting my summer. Our breakup hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. And in turn I was, yet that forced me to dig up the one best friend whom I knew would always be there; myself. I made a vow that I would have a theme song to help me get through it, and so I did. It was Sarah Bareille's song, "Gonna get over you." I played it everyday rain or shine, tears or no tears. The lyrics gave me such power..."Goodbye" is the first word of the song. I ran a lot, I wrote, I cried, I sipped wine...although I did immediately erase his number so there would be no drunk texting! LOL...that is my #1 tip...haha! And honestly I just lived. And dated, which yes made me miss my ex even more, so I realized I still wasn't ready. But it made for some funny stories to tell later. So what you waiting for...move on from that dead end relationship or breakup. Be grateful for the good that your ex brought you, & leave the negative stuff behind. I promise you that what you find on the other side will be way better than you could have imagined. 
4. Know that when Love is right...it isn't always easy, but it will always build you up, & not knock you down. Shortly after my breakup, 2 months to be exact..I reconnected with my childhood best guy friend D. We had always been friends, which was something that I had lacked in almost all of my previous relationships. You have to have that solid foundation to truly make things work. The guy you're with should bring out the best in you & love you so much that their love spills onto you, & your self-acceptance. If the one you're with makes you feel belittled in any way, intimidates you, embarrasses you in front of others, than he is not the one for you. D will point out to me if I am being a brat, but it is in a loving way that helps me become a better person. It is always in my best interest. Love is truly a beautiful thing when it flows, but there will be challenging times as well. Me & D now live together, which can be hard, & is so foreign to me..but it is all so worth it because we are building a life together. So what are you waiting for...go find that great love of yours! 
5. Last, but not least create a "Vision Board," & plan to make your visions a reality! I was not a big believer in this whole "Vision Board" idea I had heard from Author Gabrielle Bernstein in early 2013. But I figured, "What do I have to lose?" So I made it...I had cut out pieces of the word, "Job Interview," because after nearly 10 years of being at my dead end job, I was praying to get brave enough to move on. And in July, I found that new job. I had put images of  couples, & I fell in love. I graduated college. I stayed in remission with my disease. Amazingly, a lot of those visions came true. The board was a little reminder to keep me on my life path. So make a day to sit in your space...get some good music, grab a latte, & start cutting out those words & images that you want for yourself ion 2014!  Whatever that be that makes you happy. Maybe you aren't a planner or enjoy making "To Do" lists, or vision boards like I do...so go...be spontaneous & reach for those dreams! Do the things you've been itching to do! Call that family member or friend. Forgive easily. Sleep in. Love fully. Or quit that job! Go back to school! Take that trip...that chance...those risks! After all...What you waiting for?! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Finally....I feel like I'm there

"Age gave me the freedom to be me.."

      ~ When I was younger I was always living in the future. I used to think, "I'll be happy when I'm thinner, prettier, more popular"....there was always some place I was reaching to get to so I could give myself permission to be happy. Little did I know this whole time it was here all along; it was already within me ~

        Hello Loves! Happy Monday...can you believe it's already the holiday season? I love it! I love the warmth within strangers, gingerbread lattes, windy days...it's just a special time. So I was thinking of this past year & in a few weeks I'll be coming upon my 31st birthday. Wow...time flies when you're having fun. 30 has literally been one of my most defying and growing years in so many amazing ways. The other day I was at a family baptism & a few of my family members said to me & to my Mom how I seem so happy. And you know what? They're absolutely right. I have never felt at peace in so many ways & I truly believe turning 30 has done that. 

       As most of you who have followed my blog and daily self-love posts on instagram know my story. And for those of you who don't...well let's just say it was a rocky road to get to where I am. But I would not have it any other way. I realized that next month will be a year since I have been in remission with my legs. I have not had to use a cane, no crazy Doctor apts...just my regular appointments to check up on my autoimmune disease to make sure I stay in remission. I am so blessed to be healthy, & there is never a day that goes by that I don't thank God for that. Especially since the past two & a half years I was always sick & relapsing.

     

     I was lucky enough to fall in love, not once this year but twice. And even though that break up hurt me back in the beginning of summer, I'll always be grateful for that time. My ex showed me to believe in love again, & now my current love has showed me what a "Fairy Tale Love" feels like. I've found my true soul mate in my childhood best friend. I joked with him the other day that if I would of known he'd be the one at 15, I could of saved myself so many years of sadness, bad dates, & heartache with men. But he'd reminded me that timing was everything. He's right...because I was that girl who never felt good enough therefore I chose guys who maybe weren't the best for me. They disappointed me, left me speechless at times, & broke my heart. Yet each relationship showed me who I was, each ending led me to a new beginning. A stronger version of myself. And now that I have Donald, I see that he only helps to guide me to be a better person. A more loving, compassionate, & strong person. With him I'm "there" already. 

        But best of all, turning 30 gave me the freedom to be me. The brave me, the vulnerable me, the genuine me, & in the end I FINALLY felt like I discovered the true beauty in me. As a teen I was so mean to myself, & constantly living in the "When I get there," mentality. I was searching for the perfect number on the scale, when this year I finally threw out my food journal & scale & just made the decision to eat to live, not live to eat. And I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I graduated college with my AA, & I plan to go back but after years of struggling with my learning disability,  I am taking a break. Graduation was a breakthrough moment because for me it validated my perseverance. And never feeling smart enough has always been a huge insecurity for me. And when I put on that cap & gown this year, I felt "there" FINALLY. I had my first solo art show & sold pieces, which was so gratifying because I was FINALLY brave enough to share my personal pieces of art. I FINALLY left my job of ten years, & got over my fear of unknown territory. All these dreams had started to become reality & it was as if I was on the outside looking in. 

        I feel like all these happy moments are everything I deserve. Only pure happiness can be appreciated when you have been through dark phases. My faith in God & praying to my Nana has helped. Writing has helped. Running & yoga have helped. My family & friends have helped. But in the end it all came down to changing my perspective. And last year a few days after my 30th birthday something FINALLY clicked, & I knew if I wanted to be truly happy I'd have to work for it. And I have...& the beauty in that is I was so close to being "there"...but I just had to allow myself to FINALLY realize it. And you all will too, if you haven't already.

     

Mending Broken Fences....

Me, myself, and I......

      Hey Loves! Happy Fall! Can you believe that tomorrow will already be October & then only three months left of 2013? Crazy...but I cannot complain because 30 has probably been one of my happiest years in a long time. Sure there are a lot of mistakes I have made, but through each one I am trying to see them, evaluate them, and eventually learn from them. I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be either. I have to say that if you aren't able to look at yourself and see your own faults, then you're going to have a pretty hard time getting through life. I truly believe that communication is at the root of all misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even broken relationships. Have you ever hurt someone so much or messed things up that it scares you to even think about how to mend things? I know I have, and the ego can get in the way of fixing them too. To be the first to say your sorry is a scary thing I know, but what's even scarier is losing that person.
      I admit my depression in 2011/12 took a toll on personal relationships of mine. I pushed myself further and further from people because I was caught up in my own unhappiness over my health issues, among other things. So for the next three months I plan to work on these relationships one by one. I know that it is almost impossible to mend things perfectly, but what is the hurt in trying? How exactly can we start when the mess looks out of control? Just piece by piece, day by day I guess. Remember it's all in our perception, and sometimes that means not making assumptions of how others feel. That's one of the biggest things I've tried to practice is to not make assumptions over things I have no idea about.
      I'm learning this in my new relationship to not think or assume he'll do this or that like my past relationships. When you expect to get hurt because you've gotten used to dealing with it, well it's time to change your perspective and expect good things! My new love makes me want to be a better person and that is the best kind of love. So whether you are with someone who makes you want to better yourself, or not, just know it's always a positive thing to look at yourself & your life to see what is fixable. Maybe you aren't ready to mend those broken fences yet, but the first step is to start thinking about them. And sometimes that means leaving things the way they are and letting them go as well. Fear can really overtake our life and ruin things if we let it, so we have to put our energy into faith instead. So have faith that whatever messes you've made emotionally can be fixed too. Some may take longer than others, but that is life. So start thinking faithfully, not fearfully.

His love makes me want to be a better me....

A Summer's Glow...

Pure Bliss.....

Summer Living......

       Hello Loves!!! Happy September! How are you all? I have missed blogging a lot & so much has happened since the last time we talked. My last post at the end of July was about all of the changes that had happened, my breakup, & finding myself again. I still feel like each day we as women grow, & I know all the changes that happened that seemed scary were actually true blessing in disguise. I think I am truly the happiest I have ever been. 30 has truly been a beautiful year. It's so funny because I made a vision board back in January with one of my best friends Rasha & a lot of the visions I wanted to come true have & still are. I had my 1st solo art show, I moved out on my own, I left my job after nearly ten years, & so much more.
     

Body Acceptance never felt so good....

I think one of the biggest changes that I am really proud of & feel amazing about is that after many years of being obsessed over my weight, I have finally come to terms with loving my body. My weight obsession was like a bad best friend I could not kick since I was about 17 when I first started to gain weight. Then going on prednisone & gaining 50 pounds twice didn't help either. After years of keeping a food journal, I finally stopped & I have never felt better. Why do we feel we need to wait for a number to tell us when we can start living our life? You see, I had it wrong all along, because you have to love life, live it, embrace it, & in that you may just start to fall in love with your body. Also I had a two week flare up a few weeks ago with my autoimmune disease & it was really scary to the point where I thought I might relapse. Luckily I didn't, but it truly woke me up to the most important thing & that should always be my health, not my weight. Yes, I have cellulite, stretch marks, & I'll never have a flat tummy, but I am fine with that. There is so much more to life than counting calories. I have finally let go of that bad best friend (aka: My Weight Obsession) & I don't miss her one bit.
       Another exciting thing that has happened is I have fallen in love again. I know, it seems so quick but it always comes when you aren't looking. In this case, after just getting out of a relationship only at the beginning of the summer I was definitely not looking for another one. I'll never forget sitting there on Memorial Day so sad after my ex broke up with me. There I was a few days before my college graduation starting summer out completely heartbroken & feeling lost. Fast forward to today, celebrating Labor Day with my new love, yet aside from being in love again, I just feel found again. My new boyfriend has been my best friend since I was in 7th grade, & we giggle that our love story feels like one of those movies where you realize that person you've been searching for has been there all along. We had not seen each other in years, but once we did, it felt like no time had passed. Overall I am just so grateful. I'm healthy & in remission. I love my new job. I'm taking a year off of school to write, paint, & just live! It feels kind of like a "Summer Glow."

Love....

Pure Bliss...Coffee for two.

"Laughter, Love, and Lessons Learned..."

"I am woman, I bend I don't break."-Chozenwoman

        Hello Loves! How are you all? I have been just enjoying summer & there has been a lot of changes since the last time I wrote to you. How is your summer going so far? I hope well! I can't believe that tomorrow is August 1st! Time truly flies. So the last time I wrote to you was in mid June & I had just graduated from college as well as going through a breakup. I did not feel the need to even address it because I was still hoping somehow we would get back together, but now that I know it is over so I figured why not share what I learned through this growing period. 

        The week me & E broke up was the last week of my finals & I was trying desperately to hold it together while writing essays & studying. Even after graduation I felt so lost, like I had lost my best friend. For some odd reason the mornings were the worst; more so than the night because I'd wake up wondering if it was reality. Even though we dated only a little under six months & having had longer relationships in the past, for some reason this one really hit hard because I just could not understand where it had went wrong. When someone breaks up with you, rejection can really screw with your self-worth. But after crying at least once a day for two weeks straight; it hit me, I had to learn to become my own best friend again. So that was my limit to pick myself off the ground. 

        So one of the first things I did was find a "Theme Song," which may sound super corny but literally every morning when I'd wake up I would play it..just once a day,  but it still helped. Mine was "Gonna get over you," by Sara Bareilles. It was a cute & uplifting song that made me smile. Then I worked out...a lot! Running has always been my therapy & so I just would pack my workout clothes & would run everyday after work. Somehow it always helps me forget the pain for a while. Then I made a bold change & got a new job after nearly 10 years at the same one. I was so scared, but I really felt like this was just another way of growing & moving on from things that no longer served me. And it truly helped my confidence. With that being said I also decided to take a year off from school until I get my next degree. I need a break & in all honestly I'm not too sure what I plan to do yet. Whether it be professional writing or teaching with my degree in English, I just want more time to think about it. 

           So what else did I do to help me move on a little from my breakup? I dated again, pretty soon after & when I look back on it I think as long as you don't take it too seriously than it is fine, but sometimes it can get a little complicated for the other person, especially if you're not over your ex. And in my case, I wasn't. It was fun for a while, but then I realized that I am just not one of those girls who can jump into something so shortly after. I need time to heal & find myself again. So that is what I have been doing. I have had a few drunken girls nights out, I have rented a lot of movies, done some retail therapy, wrote a lot,  laughed a lot, consumed a lot of sweet treats, & well have just been giving myself the time I need to let myself heal. I have been through bad break ups & truly what I realized within this one is this. Each breakup is in a way the same in the end,  because you feel like you'll never love again or you question yourself-but don't! I was recently rereading an old journal that I had poetry & pieces of my heartaches at 24, 28, & here I was again at 30 & you know what? They were exactly the same sad emotions I described then what I was feeling now, but what gave me a spark of hope was I did make it through those breakups, & each time I fell in love it was more beautiful than the last. And no matter how bad it hurts, just be grateful for that person because in truth they helped you believe in love again. And someday we will find that "last love" that won't ever end. But true love comes from ourselves first....Oh yes & a new hair color always seals the deal in the healing process too! LOL! God Bless Loves & Have Faith!

        

Caterpillars, Butterflies, & Letting Go.....

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."~Author Unknown

       Hello Loves...how are you all? I miss writing so much...it is so cathartic for me in so many ways yet I have been avoiding it because I feel as therapeutic as it is when I write things out, it also becomes my truth when I look down at that piece of paper. When I write I never hold back, not one bit. In my blogging I do more only because I feel not everyone deserves to see that much nakedness of my soul. I write to give back what other author's writing has done for me, & that is to fill my heart. To read their truth & feel less alone knowing I am not the only one who feels a certain way. So I only hope my writing does that for my readers.
   
      So much has changed since the last time I spoke with you. Good & bad but also eye opening to look within myself to see certain things I want to improve on & change. Have you ever felt so flawed where you almost wish you could start over in the way you have done things? I know I have, especially lately. But you know what...I can't & when I really think about my life, I now disagree. Because each mistake, each good deed, each heartache, each vulnerable moment, & everything I have done has made me who I am. I am a thirty year old girl who at times feels as though I can talk too much, I can be a bit selfish, I procrastinate, & I'm a bit of a diva too, but I also am a genuine girl that tries to make others laugh, tries to inspire people, & when I love someone I give everything I have. I am Janene Brooke...the late bloomer who does not really know what her next step in life is, but does know that the fear she usually feels is slowly melting away. So remember loves..there are certain moments like these where we wish we already were that perfect butterfly~flawless, beautiful, & in perfect harmony, but the truth is we are all caterpillars evolving over & over. So whether you feel like a butterfly at the moment or just a caterpillar that's okay too. Remember either place your in just know that you deserve love & in the end that can only truly come from within. Namaste.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."-

     

Runners High...My Therapy

Getting ready to run....

     

Outside Runs clear my head the most...it's my Time with God.

Hello Loves. How are you all? Happy Mother's Day if you are a Mother! Things have been a little bit crazy for me. Work, School, & well LIFE. Sometimes I feel on top of the world yet at other times I feel like I could crumble. I have felt really alone this week. Do you ever feel that way? I realize at the end of the day we truly have to be our own best friend & have a solid foundation & base for who we are. People are going to give their opinions about you either behind your back or to your face, but you have to be confident in WHO YOU ARE so that no matter what happens you know that you will be okay in the end.
      I think each year we get a little bit wiser in the things that shattered us or confused us before. I have always been a "People Pleaser," & always so worried to please others by getting their approval or making sure I don't have them mad at me but as I get older I try to care less & less. Unless they are someone I really value or cherish. As I have gotten older I try to handle conflict or confrontation head on, & if I've screwed up I am all for saying "Sorry." Yet if I feel I am not in the wrong I have gotten more careful in who I give those "I'm sorrys" too. I have felt really isolated lately & it is not a good feeling. Sometimes it feels like High School when you hear things said about you that are not nice & as tough as I am now & am a different person than that insecure high school girl it still stings. Gosh I think about celebrities & how tough their skin must be seeing all the negative things said about them. Can you imagine being in a grocery store & see your face splattered on US Weekly with a rude title either questioning your motives or criticizing your weight? I have to give those women credit. They must have some strong armor on.
      This past week was really hard too because my boyfriend is training for his next boxing match & I realize how hard it's been to not be able to see him or talk to him as much. He has become one of my best friends & it feels like a piece of me is missing. Yet I am so proud of his dedication & hard work. I realized I cannot be selfish because he has always been there & supported me so I need to give him his space & do the same. So this week I started working out again, & will continue because no matter what running is my therapy. Sometimes too when I have too much emotion to write or talk about I run it out. It is so healing because it does not take thinking & there is no judgement. When I write I can judge myself when I'm venting. When venting to someone else, they can judge me. Yet when I run...there is no judgement. I work out my problems just by zoning out. To me that is when God takes over & gives my mind a break. So what are you waiting for? Do what you need to do in your own way to shut off that chaos in your life; whether it be from the world or from yourself. Namaste.