Dating Diaries of my 20's...The "Don'ts"

Hey Loves! How are you all? Happy Friday! So I've been thinking a lot about my 20's and things I've learned along the way~especially about dating. I've now been with the man I'm going to marry for a few years now and I couldn't be happier. But let's be real...it took a lot of frogs and bad dates to find my Prince. So here a few dates I went on and why you should run if you see these signs on a 1st date too...LOL

~The guy who claimed he was so rich he pulled out a dollar bill to use as a napkin for his gum! Yes I know! Disgusting!

~The guy who took my leftovers home at the end of our date. One word: Cheapass! Lol!! 

~The guy who kept saying, "I don't mean to sound conceited but..." No stop! You are conceited. 

~The "WE" guy. As "Sex & The City" did an episode on this..it's true. They're out there! Lol! 

~The guy who doesn't offer you a beverage or snack at the movies. First he paid for our movie date with coupons..then he walked by the snack bar faster than fast. I was practically choking on my own saliva during the 2 hour movie! Haha!!! 

~The guy who has road rage on the 2nd date. Yes he was cussing at the car in front of us...I then knew I had to run...fast! Lol..yikes! 

 

So those are some bad dates I went on through my 20's. Some things are silly but here's the thing-there are always red flags in dating and eventually relationships. Here are a few I saw through the years in other guys that I ignored but I'm hoping you won't ignore these as well. 

 ~The guy who will embarrass you in front of other girls or waitresses. Think about it-your partner is supposed to have your back, and laugh with you. Not laugh at you with others. 

~The guy who says he doesn't want kids. Sometimes it's not even that-he just doesn't want them with you. Harsh I know. 

~The guy you have tons of fun with when you're sipping on wine, but when sober it's not so fun. Same with sex. It will all dwindle away eventually so you need to have a connection. 

~The guy who treats his Mom or and sisters like crap. That will eventually be you. 

~The guy who leaves you hanging. Busy is never an excuse. When men want to spend time with you, nothing will get in the way. 

So those are just some of the red flags I saw and ignored through the years. If I knew that those weren't normal, I would of saved myself so much grief over men. But you live and you learn. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing dates as well as relationships throughout the years, but I wanted to make a "Don't" list. The biggest "Do" I learned within my current relationship is this; Don't be afraid to go out of your comfort box. For so many years I was shallow with a certain type. Latin men with dark features whom were this, that, and so on. Most were good dressers, were smooth talkers, and tried to empress me with their shallow promises. That's all great for a while, but eventually it fades. My love now wears stripes with camoflauge. He isn't Latin or a smooth talker. But he treats me like a Queen and it's easy to love him. It's fun and funny, and he would never ever laugh at me, only with me. That's the type of guy you want. 

Don't Deny Yourself....

Hey Loves...gosh it feels like forever since I've written and in truth it has been forever. I owe you all a big apology. I have been super flakey and inconsistent on this blog the past few years which in turn would make you guys lose faith in my writing. The truth is...I lost faith in it too. You see, I have journaled since I was 12 years old...which makes that like 20 years! (YIKES!) Don't do the math! Lol! No, but honestly I never use to share my entries or my poetry until I did. And people responded well. So I thought, "Gosh maybe this writing thing could be a career or a fun way to inspire people at best!" I was very consistent the first year and a half and then things took a turn.

 

First, I got a little burnt out from it, but most of all I let people's opinions paralyze my need to write. You see...I've always been a open person. Too open some would say, especially in my writing. That doesn't make strangers uncomfortable, which is great because I truly feel I am writing for them anyways. It's the ones you know who do. My last post titled, "My Inner Battle with Food" got quite a bit of feedback...only it was from the ones I knew. There were lots of concerned texts and calls asking if I was okay and that maybe I should even seek therapy (which by the way I have done and am all for it when needed) but there was also embarrassment on other's mind. Gasp! "How could you be so open about your Binge Eating Disorder?" and "Why would you air out your dirty laundry like that?" 

My question is this..."Why wouldn't I?" Where would I be today if no other woman shared their truth in hopes of trying to help others with whatever they were going through. Whether it be a friend, celebrity, Instagram famous, or whichever, each one of us has a story, and why would we deny someone else that if we knew it might help them in some way? When I wrote that blog post, it wasn't to get attention or sympathy. Heck no! I am not a victim in any sense. I wanted to show others that they aren't alone in their struggle is food if that is their struggle. I know the ones whom let me know their opinions over my post were not coming from bad places, but only concern. I appreciate that. I am lucky to have people whom love me that much. Truly. But that same shame I used to feel after a binge was exactly the way that blog post left me feeling; raw, ashamed, and vulnerable. It wasn't anybody's fault but my own though. We choose our reactions to the actions of others. 

 

Which brings me to my point of this whole blog post. You see, in life there will be people telling you what they think is best for you. Whether that's telling you to zip it when you speak too openingly, or to stay put in life because it's the safe route. But we can't live based off of what people tell us to do. Even if your a people pleaser like me. I stand by that blog post. It took a ton of courage to not only write, but to share as well. And to be honest, it freed me in many ways because I have not binged once since that post. Like I said I've struggled up and down through the years, but to get out of that relapse was one of the hardest. And I think in not denying my personal truth is what really did it. Don't deny yourself the urge to share your story. Don't deny yourself to live your life built on your own expectations. And sometimes you shouldn't deny yourself of that extra piece of cake either. Lol! And I promise not to deny you my blogging due to my own selfish insecurities. Because in the end, as much as we need to read what other's have been through to help us, us writers need to write it out as well to do the same. 

Getting back to me...

 

Hello Loves! 

How are you all? Gosh I've missed writing so much! I've missed the conversation between us! I didn't even realize it but when I decided to start blogging again, that the last time was November of 2014...YIKES! Anyway I'm back, in more ways than one! I literally have been in a year long rut...yes a whole year of my life that I've let pass me by. Have you ever been in that mindset...where you're just drifting through life? How did you pull through? Did you have to hit rock bottom in order to get back up? 

For me, it honestly started last June. I was newly diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease (Hypothyroid as well as Hyperthyroid) but of course I got the hypo symptoms and gained nearly 20 pounds! Then was laid off from my job, which turned out to be a blessing since I had already planned on moving to Hawaii for boyfriend's job (I know poor me right?), but it still didn't feel good being laid off in the way it was. Feeling depressed in Hawaii, I felt guilty for feeling so down living in such a beautiful place, but it just goes to show everything truly comes from within. Just like some celebrities whom have everything, yet confess after a stint at rehab that they still felt alone. Well that was me..no need to go into boring details, but I'm ready to get back to me! 

So fast forward to now...a year later. I have put on another 25 pounds, no job, I haven't blogged in almost a year, have barely journaled, and have basically just used food or wine to numb my unhappiness. But last night after a very eye opening long talk with my boyfriend he admitted he missed the old motivated happy me. I agreed, and I woke up today with a whole new zest. No more laying around feeling sorry for myself and no more self-medicating myself with food or any other unhealthy vices. Have you guys struggled with unhealthy vices..I know I have with food especially.

So if you've fallen in a bad rut recently...join me in taking leaps to change. I am a procrastinator, always have been, but gosh I'm 32 now, like enough is enough! I have lots to be grateful for, as I'm sure you do too! First thing is to reconize that and then you'll always have enough! Also what are you no longer doing that used to bring you happiness and kept you centered? For me, it has and will always be writing since I was twelve years old. That is my outlet, but by in neglecting that over the past I have took up different outlets, and they haven't been healthy.  So let's do this! No matter what we are never alone in what we're going through. Time to get back to you, time to get back to me, time to get back to us....

TRUE LOVE...The Lessons

       Hi Loves! Hope you're all having a great week! So I'm sure most of you have seen or may have heard that Jennifer Lopez recently released a book called, "True Love." My cousin asked me if I wanted to read it than face time about it afterwards kind of like a mini book club. I've always loved Jennifer Lopez so I immediately went out and purchased the book. I read it within two days. It was a light easy read broken up with beautiful photos of her life, as well as inspiring quotes. Her main message in the book was that in order to have a healthy genuine love with someone, you first have to love yourself. She repeated this a lot which at first to me seemed a bit repetitive but than I realized this; loving yourself and staying positive is like building a muscle and it has to be worked on daily in order to maintain it. Here are some pieces of the book that really stuck a personal cord for me that hopefully you can relate to as well.

"In the end, the truth finds a way to surface, even if you don't want it to" ~
When I think about all my past relationships, this quote couldn't be truer. We've all been there! Where you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because all the red flags of that relationship are coming to a head. You can't deny it, whether you're being treated bad or you just don't feel it~you know it. One of my year long relationships when I was about 26, I was with the sweetest most caring guy, but I just didn't love him as much as he loved me, which was odd because all my life I always felt it was the other way around. But this time I knew it wasn't right, after planning on breaking up with him one night I drank lots of wine at dinner and the more buzzed I was the crazier my idea of dumping him was so I stayed over as I usually did. Yet when I woke up in the morning my buzz was gone, and I couldn't pretend anymore. And there it was; that pit in my stomach again. I knew what I had to do. 

"The only way you can be mistreated is by allowing yourself to be mistreated"~
This is such a simple concept, but there are so many women that still have a hard time following it. The one relationship that stands out to me in this was one of my exes who was right before the previous one I had just spoken about who treated me amazing. Well this relationship at 24 could not have been anymore the opposite. At first, he was charming and swept me off my feet but that didn't last long. He was completely verbally abusive, yet it wasn't in the yelling at me or cursing at me way; it was more so in the subtle sneaky way. He'd try to make me look stupid in front of others, such as waiters or other pretty females in my presence and things like that. Slowly but surely all of his snide remarks started to chip at my self-esteem. I finally walked away for good and it took a while to recover afterwards, the side effects of dating a narcissist definitely took it's toll. I finally had to realize it would only continue if I allowed it too.

"Sometimes you have to explore the darkness to get to the light and get back to who you are" ~
Oh heartache, I'd like to tell you that it gets easier but usually it doesn't. Especially if you love with all your heart and are all or nothing like I am, and as I read JLo is too. I think what does get better as you go through each breakup, you do realize that you will get through it because you've gotten through them before. Last summer when my boyfriend broke up with me, I was devastated. I was 30 years old and had placed so much hope that he could be the one. But I got through it, and the way I did that was to just feel the pain, accept it, and so that that way I was then able to move on. 

"When you give your time, your love, your respect, you deserve respect in return. You deserve comfort, you deserve honesty, and you deserve to feel safe" ~
This is it, this is the key, the answer to the road to "True Love." In a solid relationship, there should be a comfort in being able to fully be yourself and most importantly to feel safe. I don't mean safe in the way where your love will beat up someone for you either. I'm talking about the safety of knowing that you are in a healthy and secure relationship where you aren't afraid of letting them see every piece of you because you know they'll accept your flaws and all. If you have to question any of the above then it's time to let go. And I promise you that you'll find it in someone if you aren't getting it in your current situation. Last August, barely two months after my breakup I reconnected with my childhood guy best friend. We never had dated growing up but I always felt a safeness and comfort with him. Now were madly in love and it is truly the easiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I'll be 32 in a few weeks and I finally feel like I've gotten it right. 
    So there are some of the inspiring quotes from JLo's new book! It got me thinking about my love life and how far I've come. But I couldn't have gotten there without going through the other relationships I was in before. As well as finding that inner love for myself as well; cause we all deserve TRUE LOVE!

Unconditional Love...

       Hi Loves! Happy Thursday... Hope you're all having a great day! So for those of you who follow my Instagram @selfloveinalatte or my Facebook page, you may have seen we got a new puppy we named Walter Herbert on Monday. He's an Olde English Bulldog and the cutest thing ever! I personally have always been a cat person, but being out here in Hawaii has gotten lonely at times so we figured it was the best thing. I'm on day 4 and luckily he's napping, oh wait he's up! LOL. It's like having a newborn I assume, haha. No I'm not a Mom and I know a puppy isn't half as hard, but it has reminded me of one important thing in life that sometimes we all take for granted; unconditional love. 
       In the past few days I've gotten close to no sleep, been spit up on, peed on, cleaned up poop, and attended to a crying puppy looking scared as he wakes up when I'm not near by. As exhausting as its been, it has been so fulfilling. And it reminded me of when you love something or someone so much, you just LOVE. Obviously a pet is easier than a person, but it all means the same thing at the end of the day. Pets love us no matter who we are, what we look like, and they don't care if we have put on weight, or whatever it be. They love us for our soul.  
     As I looked at my puppy in my boyfriend's arms, it filled my heart because his love is the most unconditional I've ever known. Just as my parents has been, finding a partner who loves you and all of you is the best gift you can give to yourself. Some people don't believe it it can happen to them, or they just have settled in a relationship where they aren't offered unconditional love, yet it doesn't have to be that way. Just like we can control our perspective, we also can control who we allow to love us. And we shouldn't sell ourselves short. Unconditional love can be different for everyone, but I think at the end of day you just want someone to love all of you. Your off days, your silly habits, your bad moods, and you basically just have a certain calmness when you're around that person. You can be yourself in a way you never even realized could be possible . I know at 31, I only accept this kind of love.
      It took me a while to get there though. You have to believe that you deserve it, and don't expect anything less. I have had past boyfriends tell me I was too much of this or too little of that, but now that I'm with my current love he accepts all of me, but also has helped me grow as a person. He helps me realize when I'm being unfair, and fix it. That's when you know someone brings out the best version of you. Not trying to change you, but helping you better yourself when you're ready. This also doesn't just apply to romantic relationships too, it applies to other relationships. If you feel you have to walk on eggshells around someone, and can't really be yourself then it may be time to say goodbye. Also try to approach your own relationships with an unconditional approach as well. Try to understand where that person is coming from instead of judging, but also set healthy boundaries. Because if you can't love them unconditionally, someone else will. Same with the fact of if someone else won't love you unconditional too, then move on because someone else will. We only live once and love is the most important thing in this world. Thanks to my puppy for reminding me how important it really is too.

Know when to Surrender.....

      Hi Loves! Can you believe it's almost Friday already? This week flew by! I hope you're all having a great week! So Monday when I blogged I was talking a lot about body love and trying to just go easier on myself with my thyroid and weight gain. I started at a hot yoga studio that day which offers bikram, along with other classes. I personally love bikram since its repetitive, ( I don't like change) and it's really easy on my wrists. Anyways it felt amazing to be back in a studio, and surrounded by like minded people.
        So even though I'm trying not to obsess over my weight, I still am trying to be aware and mindful, so I weighed yesterday since it had been a week but was up two pounds! I couldn't believe it, because even though I had splurged Saturday I had gotten right back on track! Not only was my weight not moving the right way, but also I have been feeling super bloated and swollen. So this morning I woke up on a mission, and I started researching more and more over the right way to eat when you have hypothyroid aka: Hashimoto's Disease. I actually found way more helpful information on Pinterest, than google.
        What I found was a lot. I guess in a way I knew certain foods that weren't good for patients with autoimmune diseases, but what I didn't realize was that these foods truly can work against our bodies. Despite wanting to lose the weight I've gained, I mostly want my body to have a chance to just be at its healthiest. And how can I expect that if I'm living in denial? Foods that are on the no no list are things such as gluten, soy, sugar, certain veggies and fruits that are high-gylcemic; the list goes on! I've given up gluten before, so that won't be as hard, but as far as the other stuff I'll have to take it one day at a time. 
        Today I weighed again hoping yesterday's weight gain was a fluke, but it wasn't. In fact I was up even more! But I didn't get upset truthfully, I took a deep breath, had some hot lemon water and researched about my new life changes. I was really sore from all the yoga this week, but went anyways because it's like a gift I'm giving to myself. And during class I was in a pose when the teacher said something that really struck a cord. She said, "Know the difference between when to give effort and when to just surrender." I thought that was so profound because it hit me that sometimes in life when you've put in so much effort into something, and yet nothings changing, than it is probably time to just surrender. Surrender to what will be, instead of what you want it to be. And I'm not just talking about weight here, that applies to really anything in life. So within this big health change, I'm choosing to surrender to what my body needs to be healthy. And not so much as what I think it needs. I guess in life, you just gotta know when to let go, give it to your higher power, and know that what is meant to be will be. Just know that sometimes what is meant to be isn't always what was in the plan, it may seem like a more complicated path, but sometimes the more complicated the better the end result. So just surrender and listen to your intuition.