The Warrior in Me.....

Me...

Writing is what always gets me through....

      Hello Loves, how are you all? I have missed you all so much! I have been so busy with school, work, etc. I have been keeping up with a project I had started the 1st of November called, "The Self-Love Project" on Instagram. Basically every single day I post an inspiring quote, assignment, thought, or whatever I feel like would be inspiring to my followers. I feel I have in a way reached more of a bigger audience than blogging because I have been getting so much amazing feedback from girls & guys about how inspired & motivated they feel! It is so fulfilling because honestly there are days where I am having an emotionally bad day but I have to force myself to see the good so that my friends on instagram won't be disappointed..LOL! I have met girls who have become friends from places like Sweden, Miami, New York...etc. It is so cool & fun to know I can make a little difference in how they feel about themselves by inspiring them.

        So much has been going on...I healed from my concussion & I sat in the Doctors Office waiting to see what was going on. He told me, "Everything looks fine but I would get it checked out by your primary Doctor." My smile disappeared. "Why is there something on my brain?" I asked as my voice trembled. "Yes but it's probably just a speck." My stomach dropped. When someone tells you there's something in your brain there is nothing scarier. Fast Forward & here I am with the results of it all. After a few Doctors, cat scans, MRI, blah..blah..I finally got the results & I am okay with it. We found some calcium deposits on my brain but all Doctors agreed it was not the cause most likely for my legs giving out, although I will see a specialist to deal with that situation. Thankfully it was nothing worse.

       I had a appointment with my 3rd set of Doctors last week at UCLA. It had been a long week...I even had blogged last week but never published it because what I wrote I realized was meant just for me. Writing is my outlet yet sometimes it does need to be private. In a nutshell after many hours spent with my math tutor I failed my 3rd test & was advised to drop it. I sat there in my counselors office as she decided to let me take a substitution class next semester since it would be my 4th time taking the class & it had been confirmed a month earlier that I do indeed have a learning disability in it. I felt relieved but like a failure in a way because I had hoped to have my AA degree by my 30th birthday this year as well as a diagnosis on my health issue. But none of that would happen.

        The day of my UCLA appointment was a rough morning to say the least, & by the time we got there I had a breakdown in the lobby of my neurologist's office. I could not help it, I was sobbing hysterically & I realized I was scared & tired of it all. All I wanted was simplicity of a healthy lifestyle without all these appointments. My Papa who had took me & told me it would be okay & then handed me a "Wienerschitzel" napkin. I started laughing & so did my Papa. It snapped me out of my meltdown moment. After a 2 hour apt. with 3 Doctors poking & prodding me they told me that they'd get back to me. Tonight one did & of course he called me while I was in the middle of another Doctor's apt...oh the irony! LOL...after I left we got a chance to talk & they have decided in January to have me in for a meeting with a team of Specialists to hopefully figure out our next step or tests to hopefully find a diagnosis. The Doctor was so sweet & really made me feel listened too. He told me, "Were not gonna give up on you Janene." Tears fell down my cheeks because that's all I want. Within these 2 years, especially past year I have really seen who has been there for me. The people who have stuck by me are some I would of never expected & some I thought would well disappointed me. But that's okay because here's the thing. I have to make a decision whether or not to be strong or weak, happy or sad, & truly find that Warrior within me. I will win. So I won't have my degree or a diagnosis by my big 30th birthday like I had hoped.

       But what I do have is me & CHOICE to get it together! I had an "Aha Moment" this week & I realized I need to daily see the good things & work through my depression. It does feel like a roller coaster as times but these trials will only mold who I'll become. So what's the good in not getting my degree yet? I have more free time to work on my upcoming solo Art Show in Jan! The blessing in still not finding a diagnosis? I don't really know yet..lol but what I do know I'm okay. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And I feel way strong! I have to stop putting my life on hold. So here we are with a month & a half of 2012 & I want to continue on my own "Self-Loving" journey! Tonight I did a little shopping at the mall, got made up by a sweet makeup artist, & just enjoyed "ME" time! Here are some goals I have for the rest of the year...

           1) To focus on doing Hot Yoga & Running 5-6x a week
           2) To read books I have been putting off
           3) To get all my paintings done for my Art Show
           4) Look into a volunteering job for 2013
           5) To make a gratitude journal & write 5 things a day I'm grateful for
           6) Start my book

       So here's the thing...I am far from perfect. I can be moody, self-centered, bratty, whatever but I can admit my flaws & if I can't be aware than I can't fix them! I want to get better not only physically but as well as emotionally. Nobody can judge until they've walked in your shoes. I don't expect anyone to anymore, I just realize I have to be strong for myself & when I feel the need to have a mini meltdown then I will. I can confidently say though that I'll be lucky enough to have someone there with a wienerschitzel napkin to dry my tears.
     

Me being silly at the mall shopping tonight!