(Uncensored Part 2)

Creative Writing is my Therapy

Me, Myself, & I trying to see the positive...

Hello my Lovelys! Told you I would blog again soon..& I was actually really looking forward to it today because I am having a lot of emotions run through me right now..fear, gratitude, excitement, sadness, but then again happiness. Man don't I sound like a bundle of joy or what? LOL..Well as you all know I have had an amazing nonstop Festive Filled month this June with parties & weddings..but sometimes overdoing it is not good for my body. So there I was in hot yoga last night doing "Tree Pose" & my hands started curling in & hurting. I could no longer do the prayer poses with my hands. Then it happened...that moment where your stomach falls like on a roller coaster, but not the good kind. The pit of my stomach I just prayed that what was happening was not. Because if it was then it was the first sign of a relapse with my disease. After the grueling hour & twenty minute class we laid there in meditation or Savasana as the yogi's like to call it, I felt paralyzed. I did not want to get up because I knew that my life was going to be different then when I had come in. Back to that sick girl with the cane that people like to pity & ask every five seconds why I at such a young age have a cane. I know their intentions for asking are always good, but after ten times in a row, it gets draining. I wanted to remain the young vibrant healthy girl I walked in as, so I stayed as long as I could hoping somehow my body would transform back to how it was at the start of class. By late last night my walking had turned slower & now today I am going through the motions. Then after those symptoms usually within the next few days my legs will start to collapse when I walk. I am praying somehow this time the symptoms will change & I'll be okay, but it's hard because when you have something like this you are in tune so well with your own body. These relapses only seem to last for months at a time, first time was six months, & the most recent was about three. But when my legs give out I have to use the cane & people take notice. When I'm in remission I fool everyone that I'm just a normal healthy twenty-something year old. But with the cane, my secrets out. Nine years ago was my diagnosis with "Wegeners Granulomatosis" but only a year ago is when the leg issues started, & as a runner, yoga lover, & someone who lives in heels it's heartbreaking. Okay thought I would add some light humor with the heels part..LOL. I am leaving for Chicago next week to be in my cousin's wedding & my nightmare would be to have to use the cane with my beautiful bridesmaids dress next week, but you know what? This is me. And some days I will be able to run, some days I will be able to strut my stuff in very high leopard heels, or some days I will not even be able to walk faster than a 90 something year old because of the pain in my joints. I had a really fun day with one of my best friends Rasha & her two little daughters, & yes I was moving slow & not feeling my best but I just embraced the beauty of today. We got yummy iced vanilla lattes, bought some healthy groceries together at Trader Joes, tanned at the pool, & as her daughters called me "Auntie Janene" it made me feel so happy & loved. And I realized I just truly have to just smile & make the best of my situation. Their acceptance showed me I am way more than a girl dealing with a illness, I am a loved Auntie to some, & to them someone who could physically swim & laugh in the water with them. So relapse or not, I can't look at it as so negative but just soak up the happy moments, like today when Rasha's daughter Suri looked at me today & made it a point to say, "Love you." So relapse or not I am loved & Chicago will still see me smiling next week, cane or not.

More than a Cup of Coffee..My Love for Dad.

Me & My Daddy

The Coffee he left for me the other morning...

Us....

Hello Loves....How are you all? I am way over due for my part 2 blog from last week so I will be posting a new one in a few days. As you all know on Father's Day I had mentioned what a great day I had with mine. What can I say, where would I start? My Dad is my best friend, my rock, my biggest fan, & basically my world. I know not everyone has that kind of relationship with their Dads so I realize how lucky I truly am. I was attached to his hip since birth, and we have definitely been through ups & downs just like any other relationship. Especially in my late teen years we drifted a bit, & mostly because I was probably in that weird too cool stage where being close to a parent was so not. Or at least I was bratty enough to think so..but I remember senior year he brought me shopping for my Prom Dress, & I had been imagining a while satin simple one, my Mom had told him no spending over $200, but when I saw it I knew it was perfect so he spent $300. Don't think Mom was too happy though..LOL. When I was little he made me a dollhouse & matched all the wallpaper & carpet in it to our real house, he would tuck me in every night, dry my tears, the list goes on & on. When I was diagnosed with my disease after us not being too close when I was 20, it was a wake up call for both of us. He slept every night at the hospital with me. I was there over two weeks, & everyday we would watch Dawson's Creek reruns, and he would feed me my breakfast because my arms would be in too much pain from the IVs. He never left my side then & hasn't since. Even when I have a bad joint day he'll drive me to work. The other day he made me coffee before he left for work at 530 in the morning to motivate me to wake up. It really worked, the smell just has that alluring affect..Lol. He is one of the most selfless, giving, & loving people I know. I always tell him he has to live forever because I could never imagine my life without him in it, & I sometimes wonder if that's what made him cut back on his smoking recently..Lol. Again I know how lucky I am to have such amazing parents, & I'll definitely be doing a blog about my Mom soon as well. As Fleetwood Mac's song, "Landslide" says..."Well I've been afraid of changing cause I've built my life around you." (For Daddy) I'm thankful for all our moments and more to come. 

The best kind of LOVE....

Love....Why has this been on my mind lately? There are so many types of it...from friends, family, romance, & best of all yourself. Hello Loves..Happy Sunday! My favorite day! It is Father's Day & I have again decided to do a blog #2 in a few days because my Dad is so Amazing that he truly deserves a post of his own! What I will say is we spent the whole day just the two of us & it was so much fun! So what is on my mind...LOVE. That little word with a BIG meaning!!! I have been thinking about it a lot lately more so, as much as I have fun dating & being single it can get old. It has been about 2 years since I was truly in love, & I don't know if it is because I am surrounded by so many close friends getting married right now, & strangers asking why I am not married or whatever (I swear the pressure at 29! LOL) but I do not sweat that. But I have been missing that "In Love" feeling..you know where you have such a pure glow when thinking&being with that person. Or looking forward to date night with that person after having a long work week, or Sundays together at the beach or sipping coffee together. I do miss that, & why not? I am human & being in love is the best feeling. But so is love from friends, family, & most of all yourself. June has truly been amazing because I have had so many beautiful & fun memories with family & friends. Last night I spent time with one of my best friends Rasha whose been my friend since we were 12. I'll never forget when Rasha looked at me the first day of junior high & asked, "Do you have any friends yet?" (I was the new kid.) Then she became just that. Even though she sometimes drives me nuts like a sister would, her love has always been purely unconditional & she has a lot of times been one of my biggest fans. I remember when I was in ICU the first night of my hospital stay at 20 when I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease & Rasha was one of the first faces I remember & she had bought me a butterfly ring I had been wanting. She is the type of friend who you can literally call at 3am & she'll be there within a second or at least wake up to cheer you up when you are down. I think sometimes she does drive me nuts the most only because we get that way with friends we love who are like family. And I have a handful of girls in my life whom are like my sisters, & I know that's because I do not have a blood sister, just soul sisters. So even though at the end of the night I sometimes wish I was going home with a love, because it has been a while, sometimes going home with your best friend  is even better. That's a love that's even sometimes harder to find...

The Simple Things at Grandma's House..

My Grandparents..Old School Love

The Simple Happiness in their house...love it!

Playing in Grandma's Garden...

Hello Loves...I know this is not my normal Sunday post, but I told you all I had to do a Part 2 of this weekend because there was so much fun &beauty that I could not fit it all into just one post! Hope everyone's week is going great so far! So I left off about Friday&Saturday of my weekend, but didn't get to Sunday. We drove down to visit my Dad's parents which always cracks me up because when I look at them-my German side I see my dark hair, olive skin, and ask, "Ummm was I adopted?" LOL..but I do actually have a lot of my Dad's German/Irish features but just with tan skin. I come in a different package I guess. I wouldn't change being mixed for the life of me. I've come to appreciate my little half German/Irish/Mexican self the way I am. I love going there because I just always feel a sense of calmness when I go. The simplicity of it all, Grandma's homemade treats, Grandpa with his newspaper & black coffee glued to his hand, (must be where I get my LOVE for coffee) & the easiness of it all. It feels LOVING there...& as you all know I talk of my other grandmother Nana a lot whom I lost way too young, so I truly treasure my Grandma time. And I thankfully still have my Mom's Dad, Papa who's amazing as well. Me & her sat on the porch & just talked. I asked her what my great grandparents were like, you know like who was the quite one, who was the talker. My Grandpa is quite, yet has the cutest sense of humor & he noticed I had all my white joint patches on & I told him their for my autoimmune disease when my joints flare. He made a cute joke to make me smile & after I walked outside, my Dad later told me he said he could not believe how strong I am in handling my disease all these years & what a fighter I am. That meant so much to me & truly brought tears to my eyes. Then after Grandma's pie, we said goodbye as they stood outside their door & waved until we drove off. I'll always treasure that vision. I love them so much & am so grateful to have them both. We ended the day at one of me & my Mom's favorite little places called, "Tom's Farm." We got fruit, vegetables, & candy from the candy store. It was a beautiful sunny day & just easy & fun. What an ending to a Beautiful Weekend of family! It really is the Simple Things...

Love & Laughter in Laguna...

Hello Loves...It is already Sunday & What a BEAUTIFUL Weekend I had! Truly...I spent my whole weekend with family & it was an Amazing Time! I feel so grateful for each little moment I got to enjoy..how was everyone's weekend? In fact, I may have to do a part 2 for this weekend! Some of my favorite moments was laughing so hard with my cousins that I was crying after a night of Margaritas, Chips&salsa, Shots, & Great Conversation...& that was JUST Friday! LOL! Saturday I had my best friend/cousin/sister Ash's Bridal Shower in Laguna Beach at her Mom's Casa where I actually lived at last summer. Watching my cousin open her little presents & see her face light up made me so happy because she is starting a Beautiful New Chapter Soon! Then me&her went to sit on the balcony after the party died down & we sipped our iced tea & talked while laughing nonstop...& those are the little moments I love, especially with Ashley. Since we were as little as five years old we would sit in a little corner & create our own fun world. She is my sister. On my drive home, after taking that beautiful picture above..in laguna I let the breeze flow threw my hair as I reminisced while driving downtown. The Art Gallery I'd always drool over, my favorite little cafe I'd pick up chai lattes, & even the beautiful scenes I used to look at when I'd run downtown. Laguna Beach will always hold a special little place in my heart, not only the time I spent there, but the relationship I built with my Aunt & Papa, & most of all I learned a lot about myself in living there. I got sick there & unfortunately was in bed a lot, but in that the positive was that since I was on disability I was able to just be. I painted, slept in, wrote a lot, read, enjoyed the beach sunsets, & in a way got to quite my mind for a while. It was truly an experience I am so grateful for & it changed me in more ways than I could even explain. It wasn't where I lived but the lessons I learned there & who I became...okay & I had a pretty nice view as well....

A Cowgirl with a Camera...

Hello Loves!!! Happy Sunday! Or should I say "Howdy?" LOL..as you see I'm wearing the boots..I had my cousin's Western Wedding this weekend & Wow! What a Beautiful Day...So much LOVE at the ranch (literally a ranch..lol) I saw so many family & friends there! We had laughs, lots of tequila shots, tears of happiness, dancing, more shots...amazing moments! I got tears listening to the speeches..and had a "Aha Moment." What kept coming up was how my cousin Micheal has really gone for his GOALS&DREAMS in his  life..and I realized that's what makes LIFE so beautiful..it makes us who we are in what we reach for & eventually that's what is so attractive to the person who falls in love with us. Also another amazing DREAM that I got to accomplish was being a "Photographer!" My cousin Hortencia (The groom's Mother) asked me to capture memories for her because she had a lot on her plate. I took photography but want to take it again because I never got to finish...and WOW! What an Experience! I LOVED so much seeing everyone's face light up as I asked them to pose & SMILE for me! Such Festive Moments I got to be a part of by taking pictures...I definitely will explore that more! Then a few cousins were very sweet in telling me how HAPPY they were that I was in good health & remission again & that they pray for me everyday...better than any "You look pretty" comment. I am so grateful to be healthy especially for days like these! So friends enjoy those moments with family & friends...because that truly is what LIFE is all about...