F~A~I~T~H...

One of my favorite pictures from 1 of the 9 years I ran the Susan G. Komen  Breast Cancer 5k..

Not physically at the Race, but definitely emotionally there....

Getting my 5th tattoo done...yet this "Nana" one means so much...

My Infamous "Nana" tattoo I have been wanting to get forever..now I can look down at my wrist & be reminded that I am never alone ...

       Hello Loves, How are you all? I've missed you & my blogging! Things have been truly been crazy in every way & to be quite honest I have contemplated taking a break from it. As I've mentioned before I am truly going through a lot & am feeling a little scattered but I guess I need to remember we all go through our own trials & I am hoping in sharing some of mine it helps. I want my posts to get more happier, but I also need to do that within myself, right? Today on instagram I got a beautiful comment from one of my friends saying the sweetest compliment about my blog & how it was "Beautiful, Uplifting, & made her want to be a better person." And we all want that I guess. So even though sharing so much about myself personally does have it's cons, most of the pros usually outweigh it when I read like that.

         Anyways as most of you know Sunday, Sep. 23rd was the Susan G. Komen 5k that I run every year for my Nana who passed away from it almost 15 years ago. It would of been my 10th year in a row but since my legs have been giving me issues, I was not able too. But oddly enough I am still able to run on the treadmill. So the morning of the race I woke up, put on my race clothes, & found one of my old bibs from a previous race. It even had the safety pins on it still. I called my Dad into my room to pin the bib on my back like he's done so many years in a row. What I love was his normalcy to me in that he walked me to the garage as if we were actually there & wished me well on my race just like the 9 years in a row. I also made sure to run at the same time as the race really was which was at 7:30 in the morning. I also had a sweet girl who had seen me mention on instagram posting about my Nana & the race so she wrote Nana's name on her bib to run for me. It was truly a touching moment. Every year I always play Mariah Carey's "Hero" on my ipod the last mile & so I did that as well. I wanted to make it feel as real as possible. That is when I got emotional. This race was not only for my Nana, but for me as well. It was back in 2003 the year I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease & the first time I ran this race I was 45 pounds heavier from all the steroids they had put me on, I had been in the hospital just a week earlier, & felt..well broken. To run that race was a metaphor for me in that "I would get through that storm." And my Nana was who gave me that strength.

         So I guess the meaning in that race is something only I could understand & the faith implanted in me after that first 5k I'll never forget. That being said with this new medical condition with my legs & cane I feel sometimes like that 20 year old broken girl again. But I don't want to feel that way or be her. So this year's race was emotional for many reasons because a year & half I have been waiting patiently for a diagnosis over my leg issues, because were pretty positive it isn't being caused by my autoimmune disease. I just wait in limbo for an answer, & it gets old I guess. After the race aka: treadmill session..LOL, I had booked a tattoo appointment. I went to get my "Nana" tattoo that I have been wanting & planning to get forever. I felt race day would be the perfect day. And it came out beautiful & even though I know she is always with me I can be reminded of that on a bad day when I look at my right wrist.We had to find the smallest pieces of laughter that day, even if that day it only lasted for a moment. And holding onto Faith in every little moment as well. It was a very long day for me, & when I got home I was emotionally exhausted as well as physically. I thought about the array of emotions I had experienced within one day & wondered how I had got through it. Then I remembered how..Faith.
     

Women to Women..The Passion of Miss Dee..

My Hero...just Rock Climbing in Heels...No Big Deal......

The Artist at work...beautiful process...

Dee always posts the most beautiful yoga pictures.....

My Muse...cycling in heels...her passion & lightness showing in true form......

       Hello Loves....Happy Saturday! I am sure most of you are out, but for me with starting school the days are sort of running together..LOL. How is your September going so far? And how are all those little goals that you've set for yourself? Speaking of goals...I want to apologize because a while back I had mentioned that I was going to post one inspiring woman on my blog once a week, & I haven't. To be honest I think once a month seems a bit more realistic for me. So since my dear friend Dayana was last month's Inspiring Woman, I now wanted to introduce you this month's Inspiring Woman...my sweet new friend Dee. I met her on the social networking site, "Instagram," & I was instantly drawn to her beautiful & inspiring photos. We started emailing & I have been able to get to know her on more of a personal level beyond the photos, & I will say her soul matches the beauty & passion within her photos, if not more.

        Dee is an Artist in London who truly lives life to the fullest. She is very active in that her passions are cycling, yoga, music, art, exercising in high heels, rock climbing, tattoos, being a teacher of art & is always posting not only inspiring & motivating photos of her fun little moments, but also writes the most beautiful captions underneath. These are just a few...

 "It always starts & ends with me, because I am responsible for making my (the) world a cool & super place to live..I was reminded this morning that loosing myself to please others is never a good idea."
           
 "We are all busy rushing around, 9 to 5 jobs, school runs, etc...we forget that a few minutes wasted on having a good laugh are a few minutes gained at spreading a smile on our faces..why complicate things? Give it a go for one day: act silly, indulge in something futile, be ridiculous..Just dedicate random minutes to your busy day & your day will be a lot brighter."

 "I am my harshest critic & I should be my biggest fan! I am on an amazing journey, to RIDE LIFE & roam free in a universe which is waiting for me to let go & just be."

Seeing this of Dee just shows me to never stop reaching....

        So those were just some of the beautiful quotes that Dee likes to posts under her amazing photos. I have to admit I admired her even before I really knew her & I still do not fully know her yet feel a connection. I feel God put her in my life for a reason, & that is to see what true perseverance looks like. We live across the world from one another which seems so surreal because sometimes I wish I could just go have a latte with her & chat about life! Yet to me our emails feel like coffee chats, & I must say hers have really helped me in the past few months. And they always seem to come at the right time. She is always telling me that I am a strong girl & she knows I'll overcome these physical obstacles with my health. She had emailed me these beautiful words, " You are one positive tough cookie! You are living proof that mind is stronger than body & when you can do yoga while walking on a cane proves that you are able to transcend the limitations of your body..you shine, through & through." So when I read emails like these, I can really hear her saying that. I think I was drawn to her because she is an artist as well, yet I hope to be on her level one day professionally. She has a workshop where she paints with children, elders, & also paints amazing murals at cafes, jazz clubs, etc. Her positive attitude is what draws me in as well. Even in her emails, she is always so positive yet real. She lets me know it's okay to have my shitty days over my health issues yet lets me know it is all meant for a reason.

"Shifting Attitudes is all it takes to feel happy. It's really that simple: Get real & find balance."-Dee

         I think all of us women can relate to admiring a woman from afar. Ever see a beautiful woman on the street, out so out together, laughing, & glowing. I think at some point we all have looked at them as muses or inspirations. Yet we cannot judge that their life is perfect because no body's is either. But just to see their radiance even for a minute can be intriguing & uplifting. Us women should celebrate each other! Remember there will always be someone prettier, more smarter, more skinny, you name it; but what beautiful things do you see in the mirror about YOURSELF? Again, I do not know Dee very well except through our email exchanges, but through them I see a woman I hope to be like someday. Not to be her, but I aspire to glow like her. Her radiance, her strength, & her lightness about life...Dee is older than me & I sometimes wonder, "Where was she at 29? Did she have doubts & fears about where she was headed like me?" And "What did it take to get to where she is?" Even she still from time to time doubts herself like all of us women...but that is how we all are in a way. We always want more. Well I can say I still struggle with not feeling 100%  okay with myself, but being surrounded by beautiful & inspiring women like Miss Dee do help quite those self- doubt demons. So ladies try not to be too hard on yourself because you never know who may be looking up to you at this very moment. Namaste.
                 
     

Balance & Inspiration in a World of Chaos..Part 2

My 1st time running in over 2 months....I am GLOWING!

Perfect little moments of Pure Bliss.....Cotton Candy

Yoga Festival on the Santa Monica Pier.....

Me & My sweet girlfriend Jackie who invited me to the festival..

        Hello Loves..Happy Monday! How are you all? I am doing a part 2 of yesterday's blog because I felt so inspired by everything that had happened at the yoga festival I went to on the Santa Monica Pier. It was a beautiful day. I wrote in part 1 of yesterday's blog about finding quietness & balance when things around you are chaotic. Sometimes things around us may fall apart or we are feeling stress, good or bad. So if you can find even 5 minutes a day to relax, quite the worries in your mind...it will make you much of a balanced & calmer person. I got that while laying in meditation on the pier yesterday & it was truly a piece of bliss. But oh how quickly we forget...
     
         So here I was preaching about finding calmness within oneself when outside influences are trying to get in the way, but what I did not even acknowledge was that we need to be at balance within ourselves first. I realized that today about myself & it was a eye-opening situation. Well as you all know I  have been dealing with a relapse of my legs giving out, & I have to walk with a cane everyday which is not always fun. I started the treadmill this week to strengthen my legs & being on there running gave me pure bliss. As much as I love yoga, running will always be my #1 love. It is my time with God & Nana where I pray & sort out all the junk that has been building up inside of me. Today after I ran a good 45 minutes on the treadmill, my brother asked me how much was the Breast Cancer Race I had always ran for my Nana that I had been asking him to run with me for the last 9 years. I looked at him, "Why...your finally gonna run it this year..the one year I can't run it?" I don't know if it was me being premenstrual, (ladies you can relate..lol) or if it was just another reminder of my handicap, but my emotions got the best of me. I felt jealousy, anger, & everything I did not want to feel or even acknowledge.

       He was sort of thrown off my tone in answering his question, & I knew that it was not his intention to upset me, but I could not help it. I could not help the tears from falling. All that talk about being calm within the day before seemed to not even matter or help because I realized I am still not fully at peace within this new disability I have. I cried & said to him, "You just don't get it." But I could see in his eyes that he finally did. And I felt silly after but then I realized, "Shit I am human & I am still grieving my health in a way." I am devastated over the race & felt jealous of my brother's healthy legs. Then I started questioning why I started a blog in the middle of what I am going through, yet what if someone else is going through the same emotions as me facing a new diagnosis or a relapse of some kind. I thought of my mini meltdown on my way to work, & it hit me. We can truly only get calm in a world of chaos if we first quite the chaos within our own hearts & minds first. There will never be a perfect calmness, because life has it's ups & downs, yet all we can do is try.

       And so in that I want to say..I am still working on that calmness. You see, when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20, I went through a grieving process. I grieved my health & my old life. It was a pretty hard road, but once I had accepted it I was then able to move on & love the new me. Now since these leg issues started a year & a half ago I feel I am still in shock & grieving in a way. I don't want to dwell because life is sooo beautiful & I feel  blessed in many ways. But they still have yet to diagnose this, & after many tests, doctors, new meds, a handicap plate, I wonder if I'll ever to be "Janene" again. The last Doctor said it "could be from my Wegener's Disease, but they are not fully convinced because of the blood work not matching up. My girlfriends tell me I am silly to not pursue dating because of my cane, or tell me I need to "rock it no matter what." And I love them for that, but I haven't yet. After crying to my brother, it awoke me that I have been fighting the urge to really grieve my health like I allowed myself to do at 20. I have been pushing these feelings away of anger & sadness over my legs that it is almost worse. It is like putting a band aid on a cut instead of cleaning deep into the cut.

       So the realization was that I would only be able to fully find that inner calmness when I allow myself to feel, accept, & move on. And that this off & on cane use may be a new part of me. Then again it could go away once & for all. I will not give up hope on a diagnosis, but I am still in, I need to let myself go through it. Again I still question why I started a blog in the middle of my "Chaos of a life," yet I would not have it any other way. This is me...then. In a way writing to all of you & getting the amazing feedback of you feeling inspired gives me inner calmness. Even if that calmness is just for a minute or an hour like yesterday at the pier..I will never stop reaching for it. And you should not either, whatever you are all going through. I would never take back the experiences & lessons that have came with each health issue I have had because at the end of the day I know no matter what I am a strong ass girl. I am still in the storm, but I know when I see that rainbow I'll realize I have accepted this new part of me.

   

Balance & Inspiration in a World of Chaos..Part 1

Inspiring Day doing Yoga on the Santa Monica Pier in LA.

Me...in Child's Pose finding inner calmness....

In my beautiful om scarf...a gift from India..

Yoga connects...my inspiring view from the mat.....

      Hello Loves! Happy Sunday! How are you all today? Hope your all having a great weekend! I had writer's block this week, but tonight the thoughts are flowing so there will be a part 2 in a few days. How are all your September Goals going? Remember even if it's just 20 minutes a day, visit that goal! Mine are going pretty good, I have been keeping up with my deck of positive cards based on the book, "The Four Agreements," by Don Miguel Ruiz, which I'll share one at the end of this post. I have been trying to stay more positive about things I cannot change, whether it be a bad joint day, a bad encounter with someone, & basically just things that are out of my control. I decided that since my Nana's Race is in less than 2 weeks I want to focus on making my legs stronger by running on the treadmill more so than yoga. So I am putting this month's 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge on hold, because my legs are my #1 priority right now. I am still doing yoga but a little bit less.
   
        So today was a very inspiring & uplifting day with my girlfriends...we attended a Yoga Charity Event called, "Yoga Aid World Challenge,"where we were able to do yoga outside on the Santa Monica Pier in LA. It was so beautiful, the atmosphere, the energy of the crowd, & especially the teachers who led us through our practice. I heard so many amazing perspectives, affirmations, intention suggestions, that I was overwhelmed within the beauty of the whole idea of practicing yoga, & how it truly helps us eternally as well. September has been a crazy & busy month already with school starting, my deadline for my art show, my trying to workout every chance I get to strengthen my legs, my writing, & not to mention having time for my family & friends. I feel as if I am being pulled in every direction, & also I have really been trying to deal with other things within my life that I'd like to change that I am working on, yet I accept things take time. Such as getting back to remission, making some life moves that are scary yet needed, & just finding that balance of stillness within my crazy, yet blessed life.

      So after a week of chaos, I woke up this morning & was able to make the 7am hot yoga class, which was amazing. The teacher is always so inspiring with his words & insights. He kept saying, "Don't worry about what is outside of you, but only what is within of you." I love that, & that was sort of the theme for today in a way. Finding that inner calmness when everyone or everything in your life in anything but. We get so distracted  thinking of the past, like things we regret, or the future & worrying about it, & then we miss out on those little moments of pure bliss. Look, truly we all have a story. We all have different stresses in our life, insecurities, health scares, etc. But it is how we handle them, & not allow it take us over. So today after hearing that in my first yoga practice, I headed to the Santa Monica Pier for the Yoga Challenge with a light heart.

       As we walked down the pier with our yoga mats, I could not help but be excited to see what this was all about. It was a huge crowd with their yoga mats all laid across the pier.The class had just started & I saw people practicing without mats or even yoga clothes on, yet what was so beautiful is they were willing to be a part of the moment, & that was so inspiring to witness. As the class went on, I stretched in downward facing dog, & I just listened. There were noises & distractions all around, people talking, laughing, screams on the roller coaster where  we were practicing next too, but I still was able to focus on the position. Then in our last meditation pose, "Shavasana," I nearly fell asleep with my body limp, (I mean it was my second yoga class of the day...lol) & I realized how crazy this all was. I was in meditation on a pier, in a city in the blazing sun, & with crowds of different noises all around. They were happy noises which helped. It was a Sunday at the beach, so people were in relaxed & happy moods so it was easy to let that sink into my meditation. I took in this moment fully, feeling grateful for being healthy enough to do the class, for the laughter around me, but most of all the calmness that was within me.

           So even though we cannot always control what is around us, we can control what is within us. The chaos will melt away if we are able to block it out at times & not worry each & every moment. So in that today I realized it is all about finding that inner peace, calmness, & balance within ourselves no matter what is going on around us. This morning I was in a quite yoga studio with no music or outside noise, & then a few hours later I was on a loud pier overlooking then ocean, but eiether way I felt just as calm if not more than being in the studio as I was there. And I would not had it any other way. As Mariah Carey says,"If you have peace within yourself, nobody can touch you." So we cannot always have it all balanced or in control, but we can do our best, do not judge ourselves, & just be. I will also leave you with one of my favorite cards that I pulled from "The Four Agreements.

"Your Best is changing all the time.
Your best will depend on whether you are refreshed in the morning or tired at night.
Your best will be different when you are happy as opossed to when you are upset, or healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, & you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, & regret."-Don Miguel Ruiz

         
   

September...Always a Fresh Start!

Happy September!!!!!

Finding the Happiness in the Silly Things....

One of my Favorite Books in the form of a deck of cards!

       Hello Loves! Happy September! How are you all? I love September because it always brings me back to my childhood school days. Everything is fresh like a new year, even though only it's a new season! The new clothes, new notebooks, & basically it's like a clean slate before the year ends! I always like to look at my January Goals, refresh them, & maybe cross things off & or add things. I have the BIG 30 this December so I definitely have goals I want to achieve by then! I started to make a "30 things before I do before turning 30," but it started to stress me out a bit so I have decided to change it to a "30 things I want to do in my year of 30!" Or at least that makes the procrastinator in me feel a little better...lol.
     
      So I wanted to comment about my last blog, it seemed some people saw it a bit sadder than my normal posts..but here's the thing; I said that I would be nothing but raw & real within my writing about my life. Some people may like to read just the happy blogs, because let's be real we all have our own problems & may not care to hear others. Yet I have personally found within my own inspiration that it has come from hearing of other's struggles & then seeing how they persevered & got through it. All I wish is for someone to read my blog & gain maybe some inspiration, faith, & hopefully a little less alone in what they may be personally going through. I am not a guru of anything, but I am the driver in my own life & I am just like all of you. Wanting pure love with others & myself. I have come a long way since I was a teenager, yet I'm sure I will say that 10 years from now as well. So I only speak of my experiences & feelings of where I am at today & this moment. I may look back at a blog a year from now & think, "What was I thinking?" But that is where GROWTH comes in.
     
       Speaking of growth, what are your intentions for the rest of the year? What mini goals can you set to help yourself get closer to where you want to be? Make a list of little goals, or even one big goal. Even focusing on them for just 20 minutes a day is better than nothing. Yesterday I was driving to hot yoga & realized what September meant to me. It would be the 10th year in a row of running the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 5k for my Nana. Most of you who read my blog already know about Nana, but those who don't know, she's my grandmother who lost her battle to breast cancer many years ago. I held the tears back as I walked into yoga with my cane (I'm starting to think of the yoga studio as a therapist office I cry so much there..lol..jk.) Anyways I realized I would not be able to run the race unless some miracle would happen to my legs & that they'd go into remission. I wanted to turn around, & just cry in my car, but Nana whispered in my ear to get to yoga.

       So I did, & even though the first half I could not stop thinking of my running, & my disappointing Nana in heaven that day, but I somehow made it through. I could feel her presense in the quite room & calmness came over me. And it did not stop there. Nana made sure my night got better & let me know that positivity was around me. I stopped by my best friends house as her daughter's begged me not to go, & tickled me until I was laughing hysterically. Then when I got home, I received an amazing gift from my Aunt Lisa which was a beautiful deck of cards transformed from one of my favorite books, "The Four Agreements," by Miguel Ruiz. Then I received a beautiful email from my pen pal from London Dee. She's a beautiful & inspiring person in my life & her emails always leave me smiling for a week after. I have to stay positive no matter what. I am gonna start the treadmill this week in hoping it will help retrain my legs, pray, & since I have been wanting to get my "Nana" tattoo forever, I thought race day may be the perfect day to get it & honor my guardian angel. Here's my September Goal List... I hope you all get to yours as well. And I promise no more crying in yoga..lol. Namaste.

                                                       SEPTEMBER GOALS
1) To complete a 30 class/30 day yoga challenge
(I almost made it last month, did 24 classes!)
2) To read 1 non school book besides book 3 of Fifty Shades of Grey...haha!
 3) Paint! Paint! Paint!
4) Write everyday..even just 20 minutes.
5) Do treadmill at least 5x a week to help strengthen my legs.
6) For every negative thing I experience try to find a positive.
7) Read a card out of my deck once a day. Let's start with today....it says,

      "Say Goodbye to sadness & drama. All the sadness & drama you have lived in making assumptions & taking things personally. The whole world of control between humans is based on that. Take a moment & consider this." -Miguel Ruiz