A Flawed Species....Saying Goodbye to 2012

Reflection....2012

A writer....

Painting what I want....Yoga equals "Self-Love"

Coffee & Yoga....True Love

"You had the Power all along my dear." -Glinda the Good Witch from "The Wizard of Oz"

        2012....I can not be more happier that a new year is starting. Truly. When I look back on the year I wish I could grab my own self & say, "Breathe...it will all work out." It was a year of lots of moments. Growth, surprise, excitement, letting go, accepting people, taking chances, & believing even when I did not want to any longer. Look I am not gonna sit here & say how great it was because when I look back at the overall year it was hard. Truly one of the hardest & painful years I have ever been through. But the great part in that is after the storm there is always a rainbow. When I think of people I look up too~My Nana, Mariah Carey, & Marilyn Monroe I realize what they have in common is they have all survived some kind of turmoil in their lives. That is only one reason for my admiration for them though obviously. As Mariah once said, "I look at this moment as an incredible blessing. It's part of my struggle. It's made me a stronger person." So that is how I choose to look at the past year, no regret but just lessons. I saw the ugliest of myself within times, yet the strongest part of myself in other times.

      There was a lot of great moments in that I ran my second half marathon, I finished all my classes for my AA degree, I reached a lot of great girls with my writing on instagram like I had wanted to through this blog, I really deepened my yoga practice, & I saw that I can get back up after getting knocked down over & over. I want to be happy, healthy, & at peace. I want to leave behind the girl I was in 2012. Because she was not happy. When I turned thirty a few weeks ago I realized it is now or never. This will be my year. This will be my decade. I am over being a victim of the hard situations God has given me. Each situation I believe that is given to us is a test of our strength, belief, faith, & courage. If we handle each situation with those words we will thrive. I think for me the biggest catalyst of my depression in the year was my health issues, relapsing twice, & not finding an answer. We still do not have a diagnosis but I have faith that after almost two long years of waiting this will be the year. I have to put on my Super Girl Gear though & realize if & when I do relapse again I cannot let it take my happiness away. I need to keep focusing on this moment of remission & repeating everyday, "I am happy, healthy, & will get to where I want to be in life."

My 1st outside run in nearly 6 months...Pure Freedom!

      A few days after my thirtieth birthday this year I prayed & knew my perspective had to change. I stopped looking as God as someone who hated me because of all the unhappiness that was around me, especially in my health situation. Something inside said he was with me, in me, & not against me. But the only way I would know that was if I started to be thankful for what I already had, & to stop focusing on where I was, (which was where I did not want to be) but where I wanted to be, (in remission.) And a few days later after 6 long months my legs went back into remission & I was able to run outside! Do you even know how AMAZING that felt?! I knew it was not just a coincidence, but this was his way of letting me know he would heal me. First I had to heal myself. I admit I talked a lot more than I did this year. I am ready to DO this year. To really BE inspiring, to BE the artist I have always wanted to be & paint things I want to paint, not what I think people will like. To BE the independent woman I know I can be & get certain things in order. To BE more open, open to people's thoughts, to love, to taking chances, to change, to basically just be open....

Love, Laughter, & Hope in 2013....

        I am flawed & I saw a lot of my own flaws reflected back to me this year from people's words of what they really thought of me, either by saying it to my face or behind my back. Those words stung, but I am truly ready to take the pain & use it. To grow from the words that come from a place of love, & leave behing the ones that are not. To replenish the relationships I have pushed away because of my own issues, to prove not just the doubters wrong but show myself that I am good enough, smart enough, & worthy enough to have a Happy Ending too. So Thank-you to all the Amazing People who follow & take the time to read this blog. All I ever wanted was to be real & inspire others by being ME. I may have sounded like a broken record at times....but I was truthful & sometimes you have to repeat to yourself over & over that you will get through something in order to truly get over it. Remember no matter what your going through, you have to "Go through it to Get through it." Not everyone may have been able to relate to my blog this past year either if they were not going through a hard time, & that is okay. Each year is a chapter, & this was a harder chapter for me to take in. So let's say "Goodbye" to 2012 together & start fresh. I cannot wait to see the gifts God has in store for me....Happy New Year Loves!!!

   

Hello 30!!!

I'm ready for ya 30!!!

My Amazing Mariah Carey Birthday Cake!

On the Eve of my Big Birthday....

        Hello Loves!!! How are you all? Is December as crazy for you as it is for me? Christmas is in less than 2 weeks, a new year is coming, and I turned a new age & a new decade in the meantime. On December 7th I turned the Big 3-0! And I have to say it was a scary thought at first but now I am so far loving it & so ready to kiss my twenties Goodbye! But does this make me a Cougar now? LOL.. I have to admit I was so ready for a new year, new age, new start. This has since 2003 when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20 been one of the hardest years ever. I admit I have struggled deeply with depression, anger over my health, feeling alone, feeling trapped, basically feeling all those ugly feelings one does not want to feel. But I could not get myself out of the hole. Each day was a roller coaster...my big birthday was no exception. I ended up canceling the big party I had first wanted...& so I felt a bit disappointed in that but I realized I had to make the best of what was & enjoy who wanted to celebrate me. And if I knew how great things were gonna be after turning 30, I would of been less worried about how I was gonna celebrate it.

        The Sunday after my birthday I was playing on around YouTube & ran into a pastor by the name of Joel Osteen. I started watching his teachings & honestly for the first time in a long time I felt God. I felt reconnected & finally hopeful. Everything he said made sense. He talked about how when you focus on the discouragement & negative things, you will get more of that & never see the light. He said to move out of the self-pity mindset & know that God is in control of our lives & has a plan. He talked about that when we feel super hopeless know that God is not finished with us. For every major setback, God has an even bigger comeback. He said to be Thankful & stay in an attitude of faith. To stop dwelling, pray, & think about where we want to be not where we are at the current moment. I felt like finally after a year of shutting down my heart his words were finally opening it up again.

The New Painting I started today..feeling so Inspired again!

       Well just in the past week, I made a few amends with certain people whom had been on my mind, I finished hopefully my last semester for my AA degree, I continued to pray everyday more than I had in a while, I did yoga everyday, & felt better than I had in a long time. On Friday I got home from work, & realized that when I walked from my car to my bedroom my legs did not give out once. They also felt different & I was walking slow. Holy Crap. I called my Dad & walked up & down my backyard by the pool. "Um Dad...I'm walking normal again." I started crying & laughing...was I really going back into remission? After 6 long months I was finally going into good health. I could not believe it! I woke up Saturday & listened to Joel on my way to work. I could not help but realize that the minute I started praying again & thinking positive thoughts by focusing what was good in my life instead of what was bad had to make a difference. Every few hours I just smile & cannot believe I am able to walk normal again! It's something we take for granted. I still have my big appointment with UCLA in a few weeks because we still need to find out a diagnosis so we can figure out what causes these relapses, but in the meantime I am glowing.

       I want this year to be the best & I will make up for all the time I lost within my depression. I had literally just made an appointment with a Dr. to get on some anti-depressants the day my legs came back, but no need for that. All I wanted was my health for my birthday & God gave it too me...it was just a week late. Joel's teachings I feel came into my life for a reason as well. Being happy & positive is not easy & it's like a muscle you have to constantly workout everyday. I plan to do just that this year. I also plan to work on my relationships, my own demons, my goals, my dreams, & just be patient with God. He knows what he's doing. And I cannot wait to see what he's got in store for this new year.

The Warrior in Me.....

Me...

Writing is what always gets me through....

      Hello Loves, how are you all? I have missed you all so much! I have been so busy with school, work, etc. I have been keeping up with a project I had started the 1st of November called, "The Self-Love Project" on Instagram. Basically every single day I post an inspiring quote, assignment, thought, or whatever I feel like would be inspiring to my followers. I feel I have in a way reached more of a bigger audience than blogging because I have been getting so much amazing feedback from girls & guys about how inspired & motivated they feel! It is so fulfilling because honestly there are days where I am having an emotionally bad day but I have to force myself to see the good so that my friends on instagram won't be disappointed..LOL! I have met girls who have become friends from places like Sweden, Miami, New York...etc. It is so cool & fun to know I can make a little difference in how they feel about themselves by inspiring them.

        So much has been going on...I healed from my concussion & I sat in the Doctors Office waiting to see what was going on. He told me, "Everything looks fine but I would get it checked out by your primary Doctor." My smile disappeared. "Why is there something on my brain?" I asked as my voice trembled. "Yes but it's probably just a speck." My stomach dropped. When someone tells you there's something in your brain there is nothing scarier. Fast Forward & here I am with the results of it all. After a few Doctors, cat scans, MRI, blah..blah..I finally got the results & I am okay with it. We found some calcium deposits on my brain but all Doctors agreed it was not the cause most likely for my legs giving out, although I will see a specialist to deal with that situation. Thankfully it was nothing worse.

       I had a appointment with my 3rd set of Doctors last week at UCLA. It had been a long week...I even had blogged last week but never published it because what I wrote I realized was meant just for me. Writing is my outlet yet sometimes it does need to be private. In a nutshell after many hours spent with my math tutor I failed my 3rd test & was advised to drop it. I sat there in my counselors office as she decided to let me take a substitution class next semester since it would be my 4th time taking the class & it had been confirmed a month earlier that I do indeed have a learning disability in it. I felt relieved but like a failure in a way because I had hoped to have my AA degree by my 30th birthday this year as well as a diagnosis on my health issue. But none of that would happen.

        The day of my UCLA appointment was a rough morning to say the least, & by the time we got there I had a breakdown in the lobby of my neurologist's office. I could not help it, I was sobbing hysterically & I realized I was scared & tired of it all. All I wanted was simplicity of a healthy lifestyle without all these appointments. My Papa who had took me & told me it would be okay & then handed me a "Wienerschitzel" napkin. I started laughing & so did my Papa. It snapped me out of my meltdown moment. After a 2 hour apt. with 3 Doctors poking & prodding me they told me that they'd get back to me. Tonight one did & of course he called me while I was in the middle of another Doctor's apt...oh the irony! LOL...after I left we got a chance to talk & they have decided in January to have me in for a meeting with a team of Specialists to hopefully figure out our next step or tests to hopefully find a diagnosis. The Doctor was so sweet & really made me feel listened too. He told me, "Were not gonna give up on you Janene." Tears fell down my cheeks because that's all I want. Within these 2 years, especially past year I have really seen who has been there for me. The people who have stuck by me are some I would of never expected & some I thought would well disappointed me. But that's okay because here's the thing. I have to make a decision whether or not to be strong or weak, happy or sad, & truly find that Warrior within me. I will win. So I won't have my degree or a diagnosis by my big 30th birthday like I had hoped.

       But what I do have is me & CHOICE to get it together! I had an "Aha Moment" this week & I realized I need to daily see the good things & work through my depression. It does feel like a roller coaster as times but these trials will only mold who I'll become. So what's the good in not getting my degree yet? I have more free time to work on my upcoming solo Art Show in Jan! The blessing in still not finding a diagnosis? I don't really know yet..lol but what I do know I'm okay. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And I feel way strong! I have to stop putting my life on hold. So here we are with a month & a half of 2012 & I want to continue on my own "Self-Loving" journey! Tonight I did a little shopping at the mall, got made up by a sweet makeup artist, & just enjoyed "ME" time! Here are some goals I have for the rest of the year...

           1) To focus on doing Hot Yoga & Running 5-6x a week
           2) To read books I have been putting off
           3) To get all my paintings done for my Art Show
           4) Look into a volunteering job for 2013
           5) To make a gratitude journal & write 5 things a day I'm grateful for
           6) Start my book

       So here's the thing...I am far from perfect. I can be moody, self-centered, bratty, whatever but I can admit my flaws & if I can't be aware than I can't fix them! I want to get better not only physically but as well as emotionally. Nobody can judge until they've walked in your shoes. I don't expect anyone to anymore, I just realize I have to be strong for myself & when I feel the need to have a mini meltdown then I will. I can confidently say though that I'll be lucky enough to have someone there with a wienerschitzel napkin to dry my tears.
     

Me being silly at the mall shopping tonight! 

     

Burnt Toast~making the Best of Life...

Me~learning to listen to the positives & realizing self-love is the best kind!

A perfect breakfast...even with the burnt toast.

Soaking up this time I get to rejuvenate & relax....

       Hello Loves, How are you all today? I hope everyone is doing good & doing good things for yourselves. I have been off all week because I bumped my head at work after dropping something & got a concussion...just my luck. Lol.. but instead of getting upset like I normally would have, I just laughed it off...okay the pain pills have helped with that but just saying. Ever since my post Monday, "My Butterfly Wings," I really have been working hard on changing my perspective & what a difference it's made. I got a lot of sweet feedback on that post yet also concerned emails..but that post was not supposed to cause worry or pity..it was to show the world,"I know I'm broken at the moment but now I have the glue to piece myself & my life back together," if that makes sense. And I am. This concussion has been a blessing in a way because I haven't had a chance to breathe or reevaluate why I have been so unhappy & now with this breathing space I have been able to do that.

        I remember about a month ago I heard that the country singer LeAnn Rimes checked herself into rehab for anxiety and stress, & I remember rolling my eyes like, "Oh gosh another spoiled star being dramatic." Yet  after suffering my first anxiety attack this past month plus a second one & having the Doctor at UCLA tell me my leg issues may be caused by chronic stress, I got it. Yesterday she appeared on the talk show, "Katie," and it was LeAnn's first post rehab interview & I sat down excited to watch it. I am glad I did because I felt less alone & inspired. She checked herself into rehab the day after her 30th birthday & said that it was the "Best Present she could give herself." I sat there & a light bulb went off. My 30th birthday is coming up in December & since I had already been in that place of wanting to get better it only made sense for me too as well check myself into rehab. Rehab for my anxiety, stress, & lack of self-love. Not physically of course, but mentally. One does not need a ton of money & a fancy rehab place in Malibu..but just a will to get better.

       So in that I have really soaked up this week off from school & work. I rested, watched "Housewives of Beverly Hills, NYC marathons," & even meditated with my Mom the other night. For those of you who know me, one of my favorite things to do is go through magazines & tear out articles that interest me as well as inspiring words, pictures, & quotes. Then with those I glue them in my journals when I write..my Dad always teases me as he sees the scissors & scattered magazines asking, "Are you playing paper dolls again?" I always laugh & feel a little silly but it is truly an outlet & way of expressing myself artfully. I have a few binders with sections of the articles such as "Health, Beauty, Inspiring Articles," & so on. So I have been getting inspired because I have had time to read the advice & actually apply it. I also looked at my finances & endless health bills,(another stress) & made a map of the next few months of what little I can pay so that I don't get overwhelmed. I also made a drawer of each section in my life-My Job, My Health, Relationships, Finances, etc. because my good friend Dee told me to draw a drawer & clean out one drawer at a time. So that is exactly what I am doing.

        I went back to work today, but my boss sent me home because I have not been cleared from the Doctor yet until I get my cat scan. I'm feeling better except my ears still really hurt. My appointment was later today but I went in early to see if I could get in, & I did. I love the Doctor so much & whether he knows it or not, he truly helped me & inspired me. He asked me what I was in school for, & I told him "Nutrition...but..," my voice trailed off. "But?" he asked. "My heart is in writing & painting, especially writing." He smiled, & said "Do what's in your heart. It'll lead you the right way. Maybe you could do something to help inspire others with rare diseases. You never know." He was so uplifting & I realized it really does take just one person to believe in you. I have many, yet this older jolly man made me feel really special & showed me my potential. He just listens & takes his time with me. I told him about my new leg issues since he had asked after seeing my cane, & he said, "I bet that makes you feel a bit isolated like nobody gets what your going through huh?" I held back the tears, but smiled,"Yes, but I'm on the upward slope & things ARE getting better."

            I will be off work a little bit longer, & probably lose some money but what I have been gaining & will gain is taking time for me, & organizing not only my life but my emotions as well. Maybe hitting my head literally woke me up..Lol. I burnt my toast the other day, but instead of getting annoyed, I just shook it off, ate it, & it wasn't as bad as I imagined. And that is how is my life now..I am learning to deal with the burnt toast in a positive way. And if it is..it will get better, & I am on my road to getting happy again. So don't lose hope loves, whatever your going through. You will want to get better emotionally, even it takes almost 2 years as it has took me. So stay strong & positive & remember..burnt toast ain't so bad after all.

     

My Butterfly Wings...they may bend but they'll never break...

Finding the strength within oneself is never easy...

Doing what makes me the happiest...

Serenity..even just for a moment....

        Hello Loves...How are you all? I miss you and I truly miss my blogging...in fact I miss me. The happy & healthy Janene I used to be...I apologize for being absent from my writing but in all honesty I started to feel like a broken record. Life has many chapters in one's life & I wish I could skip through this hard one I have been in the last 2 years. I backed away from writing about what I have been going through because I asked myself, " What am I really getting out of sharing my pain to the world?" But then I get a "Thank you for inspiring me" email or message. Then I remember... Yes there are things worse off..and people worse off than me. But I still have a right to feel what I feel. I am entitled to feel what I have been going through, especially the past few months. I pulled out my keys recently & saw that the wings on my butterfly key chain had broken. I started to cry but not over the key chain..but over the metaphor over the meaning. Because that is exactly how I feel. Broken..emotionally & physically...like my butterfly.

        Then this past weekend I had one of my best friends tell me "You have changed." I could of went on the defense but instead I said, "You're right. I have changed & I see it yet cannot stop it." But then I realized I can stop certain aspects. I can change my internal dialogue. Just like working out for our body, it takes just as much if not more effort to work on ourselves emotionally. I am sick..not just physically but emotionally. I want the Doctors to find a diagnosis over my not being able to walk without a cane, I want to flourish in my career, I want to eventually fall in love again, & I want to stop feeling sad & like I'll never be healthy again. I remember when I was 20 years old after being diagnosed with my autoimmune disease I hit rock bottom. But then I woke up one day & said "Enough is Enough." And hearing my best friend say that to me, it just struck a cord deep for me, because I know she is right.

I know I'll get back to me....

      There are a lot of external things & people that I cannot control in my life right now. There are a lot of opinions I have to block out because if I don't my spirit will suffer. I have to be patient with the diagnosis over my new health issue, I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I make, but most of all I have to make a list of all the things within my life that I am not happy over so that way I can start taking medicine to heal myself. Medicine meaning making certain tough changes that have needed to make a long time ago, use my yoga, running, meditation, writing, & self-love to heal myself. I know that this is a breakthrough & not a breakdown. My butterfly wings may be bent, but they'll never be broken.

F~A~I~T~H...

One of my favorite pictures from 1 of the 9 years I ran the Susan G. Komen  Breast Cancer 5k..

Not physically at the Race, but definitely emotionally there....

Getting my 5th tattoo done...yet this "Nana" one means so much...

My Infamous "Nana" tattoo I have been wanting to get forever..now I can look down at my wrist & be reminded that I am never alone ...

       Hello Loves, How are you all? I've missed you & my blogging! Things have been truly been crazy in every way & to be quite honest I have contemplated taking a break from it. As I've mentioned before I am truly going through a lot & am feeling a little scattered but I guess I need to remember we all go through our own trials & I am hoping in sharing some of mine it helps. I want my posts to get more happier, but I also need to do that within myself, right? Today on instagram I got a beautiful comment from one of my friends saying the sweetest compliment about my blog & how it was "Beautiful, Uplifting, & made her want to be a better person." And we all want that I guess. So even though sharing so much about myself personally does have it's cons, most of the pros usually outweigh it when I read like that.

         Anyways as most of you know Sunday, Sep. 23rd was the Susan G. Komen 5k that I run every year for my Nana who passed away from it almost 15 years ago. It would of been my 10th year in a row but since my legs have been giving me issues, I was not able too. But oddly enough I am still able to run on the treadmill. So the morning of the race I woke up, put on my race clothes, & found one of my old bibs from a previous race. It even had the safety pins on it still. I called my Dad into my room to pin the bib on my back like he's done so many years in a row. What I love was his normalcy to me in that he walked me to the garage as if we were actually there & wished me well on my race just like the 9 years in a row. I also made sure to run at the same time as the race really was which was at 7:30 in the morning. I also had a sweet girl who had seen me mention on instagram posting about my Nana & the race so she wrote Nana's name on her bib to run for me. It was truly a touching moment. Every year I always play Mariah Carey's "Hero" on my ipod the last mile & so I did that as well. I wanted to make it feel as real as possible. That is when I got emotional. This race was not only for my Nana, but for me as well. It was back in 2003 the year I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease & the first time I ran this race I was 45 pounds heavier from all the steroids they had put me on, I had been in the hospital just a week earlier, & felt..well broken. To run that race was a metaphor for me in that "I would get through that storm." And my Nana was who gave me that strength.

         So I guess the meaning in that race is something only I could understand & the faith implanted in me after that first 5k I'll never forget. That being said with this new medical condition with my legs & cane I feel sometimes like that 20 year old broken girl again. But I don't want to feel that way or be her. So this year's race was emotional for many reasons because a year & half I have been waiting patiently for a diagnosis over my leg issues, because were pretty positive it isn't being caused by my autoimmune disease. I just wait in limbo for an answer, & it gets old I guess. After the race aka: treadmill session..LOL, I had booked a tattoo appointment. I went to get my "Nana" tattoo that I have been wanting & planning to get forever. I felt race day would be the perfect day. And it came out beautiful & even though I know she is always with me I can be reminded of that on a bad day when I look at my right wrist.We had to find the smallest pieces of laughter that day, even if that day it only lasted for a moment. And holding onto Faith in every little moment as well. It was a very long day for me, & when I got home I was emotionally exhausted as well as physically. I thought about the array of emotions I had experienced within one day & wondered how I had got through it. Then I remembered how..Faith.
     

Women to Women..The Passion of Miss Dee..

My Hero...just Rock Climbing in Heels...No Big Deal......

The Artist at work...beautiful process...

Dee always posts the most beautiful yoga pictures.....

My Muse...cycling in heels...her passion & lightness showing in true form......

       Hello Loves....Happy Saturday! I am sure most of you are out, but for me with starting school the days are sort of running together..LOL. How is your September going so far? And how are all those little goals that you've set for yourself? Speaking of goals...I want to apologize because a while back I had mentioned that I was going to post one inspiring woman on my blog once a week, & I haven't. To be honest I think once a month seems a bit more realistic for me. So since my dear friend Dayana was last month's Inspiring Woman, I now wanted to introduce you this month's Inspiring Woman...my sweet new friend Dee. I met her on the social networking site, "Instagram," & I was instantly drawn to her beautiful & inspiring photos. We started emailing & I have been able to get to know her on more of a personal level beyond the photos, & I will say her soul matches the beauty & passion within her photos, if not more.

        Dee is an Artist in London who truly lives life to the fullest. She is very active in that her passions are cycling, yoga, music, art, exercising in high heels, rock climbing, tattoos, being a teacher of art & is always posting not only inspiring & motivating photos of her fun little moments, but also writes the most beautiful captions underneath. These are just a few...

 "It always starts & ends with me, because I am responsible for making my (the) world a cool & super place to live..I was reminded this morning that loosing myself to please others is never a good idea."
           
 "We are all busy rushing around, 9 to 5 jobs, school runs, etc...we forget that a few minutes wasted on having a good laugh are a few minutes gained at spreading a smile on our faces..why complicate things? Give it a go for one day: act silly, indulge in something futile, be ridiculous..Just dedicate random minutes to your busy day & your day will be a lot brighter."

 "I am my harshest critic & I should be my biggest fan! I am on an amazing journey, to RIDE LIFE & roam free in a universe which is waiting for me to let go & just be."

Seeing this of Dee just shows me to never stop reaching....

        So those were just some of the beautiful quotes that Dee likes to posts under her amazing photos. I have to admit I admired her even before I really knew her & I still do not fully know her yet feel a connection. I feel God put her in my life for a reason, & that is to see what true perseverance looks like. We live across the world from one another which seems so surreal because sometimes I wish I could just go have a latte with her & chat about life! Yet to me our emails feel like coffee chats, & I must say hers have really helped me in the past few months. And they always seem to come at the right time. She is always telling me that I am a strong girl & she knows I'll overcome these physical obstacles with my health. She had emailed me these beautiful words, " You are one positive tough cookie! You are living proof that mind is stronger than body & when you can do yoga while walking on a cane proves that you are able to transcend the limitations of your body..you shine, through & through." So when I read emails like these, I can really hear her saying that. I think I was drawn to her because she is an artist as well, yet I hope to be on her level one day professionally. She has a workshop where she paints with children, elders, & also paints amazing murals at cafes, jazz clubs, etc. Her positive attitude is what draws me in as well. Even in her emails, she is always so positive yet real. She lets me know it's okay to have my shitty days over my health issues yet lets me know it is all meant for a reason.

"Shifting Attitudes is all it takes to feel happy. It's really that simple: Get real & find balance."-Dee

         I think all of us women can relate to admiring a woman from afar. Ever see a beautiful woman on the street, out so out together, laughing, & glowing. I think at some point we all have looked at them as muses or inspirations. Yet we cannot judge that their life is perfect because no body's is either. But just to see their radiance even for a minute can be intriguing & uplifting. Us women should celebrate each other! Remember there will always be someone prettier, more smarter, more skinny, you name it; but what beautiful things do you see in the mirror about YOURSELF? Again, I do not know Dee very well except through our email exchanges, but through them I see a woman I hope to be like someday. Not to be her, but I aspire to glow like her. Her radiance, her strength, & her lightness about life...Dee is older than me & I sometimes wonder, "Where was she at 29? Did she have doubts & fears about where she was headed like me?" And "What did it take to get to where she is?" Even she still from time to time doubts herself like all of us women...but that is how we all are in a way. We always want more. Well I can say I still struggle with not feeling 100%  okay with myself, but being surrounded by beautiful & inspiring women like Miss Dee do help quite those self- doubt demons. So ladies try not to be too hard on yourself because you never know who may be looking up to you at this very moment. Namaste.
                 
     

Balance & Inspiration in a World of Chaos..Part 2

My 1st time running in over 2 months....I am GLOWING!

Perfect little moments of Pure Bliss.....Cotton Candy

Yoga Festival on the Santa Monica Pier.....

Me & My sweet girlfriend Jackie who invited me to the festival..

        Hello Loves..Happy Monday! How are you all? I am doing a part 2 of yesterday's blog because I felt so inspired by everything that had happened at the yoga festival I went to on the Santa Monica Pier. It was a beautiful day. I wrote in part 1 of yesterday's blog about finding quietness & balance when things around you are chaotic. Sometimes things around us may fall apart or we are feeling stress, good or bad. So if you can find even 5 minutes a day to relax, quite the worries in your mind...it will make you much of a balanced & calmer person. I got that while laying in meditation on the pier yesterday & it was truly a piece of bliss. But oh how quickly we forget...
     
         So here I was preaching about finding calmness within oneself when outside influences are trying to get in the way, but what I did not even acknowledge was that we need to be at balance within ourselves first. I realized that today about myself & it was a eye-opening situation. Well as you all know I  have been dealing with a relapse of my legs giving out, & I have to walk with a cane everyday which is not always fun. I started the treadmill this week to strengthen my legs & being on there running gave me pure bliss. As much as I love yoga, running will always be my #1 love. It is my time with God & Nana where I pray & sort out all the junk that has been building up inside of me. Today after I ran a good 45 minutes on the treadmill, my brother asked me how much was the Breast Cancer Race I had always ran for my Nana that I had been asking him to run with me for the last 9 years. I looked at him, "Why...your finally gonna run it this year..the one year I can't run it?" I don't know if it was me being premenstrual, (ladies you can relate..lol) or if it was just another reminder of my handicap, but my emotions got the best of me. I felt jealousy, anger, & everything I did not want to feel or even acknowledge.

       He was sort of thrown off my tone in answering his question, & I knew that it was not his intention to upset me, but I could not help it. I could not help the tears from falling. All that talk about being calm within the day before seemed to not even matter or help because I realized I am still not fully at peace within this new disability I have. I cried & said to him, "You just don't get it." But I could see in his eyes that he finally did. And I felt silly after but then I realized, "Shit I am human & I am still grieving my health in a way." I am devastated over the race & felt jealous of my brother's healthy legs. Then I started questioning why I started a blog in the middle of what I am going through, yet what if someone else is going through the same emotions as me facing a new diagnosis or a relapse of some kind. I thought of my mini meltdown on my way to work, & it hit me. We can truly only get calm in a world of chaos if we first quite the chaos within our own hearts & minds first. There will never be a perfect calmness, because life has it's ups & downs, yet all we can do is try.

       And so in that I want to say..I am still working on that calmness. You see, when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20, I went through a grieving process. I grieved my health & my old life. It was a pretty hard road, but once I had accepted it I was then able to move on & love the new me. Now since these leg issues started a year & a half ago I feel I am still in shock & grieving in a way. I don't want to dwell because life is sooo beautiful & I feel  blessed in many ways. But they still have yet to diagnose this, & after many tests, doctors, new meds, a handicap plate, I wonder if I'll ever to be "Janene" again. The last Doctor said it "could be from my Wegener's Disease, but they are not fully convinced because of the blood work not matching up. My girlfriends tell me I am silly to not pursue dating because of my cane, or tell me I need to "rock it no matter what." And I love them for that, but I haven't yet. After crying to my brother, it awoke me that I have been fighting the urge to really grieve my health like I allowed myself to do at 20. I have been pushing these feelings away of anger & sadness over my legs that it is almost worse. It is like putting a band aid on a cut instead of cleaning deep into the cut.

       So the realization was that I would only be able to fully find that inner calmness when I allow myself to feel, accept, & move on. And that this off & on cane use may be a new part of me. Then again it could go away once & for all. I will not give up hope on a diagnosis, but I am still in, I need to let myself go through it. Again I still question why I started a blog in the middle of my "Chaos of a life," yet I would not have it any other way. This is me...then. In a way writing to all of you & getting the amazing feedback of you feeling inspired gives me inner calmness. Even if that calmness is just for a minute or an hour like yesterday at the pier..I will never stop reaching for it. And you should not either, whatever you are all going through. I would never take back the experiences & lessons that have came with each health issue I have had because at the end of the day I know no matter what I am a strong ass girl. I am still in the storm, but I know when I see that rainbow I'll realize I have accepted this new part of me.

   

Balance & Inspiration in a World of Chaos..Part 1

Inspiring Day doing Yoga on the Santa Monica Pier in LA.

Me...in Child's Pose finding inner calmness....

In my beautiful om scarf...a gift from India..

Yoga connects...my inspiring view from the mat.....

      Hello Loves! Happy Sunday! How are you all today? Hope your all having a great weekend! I had writer's block this week, but tonight the thoughts are flowing so there will be a part 2 in a few days. How are all your September Goals going? Remember even if it's just 20 minutes a day, visit that goal! Mine are going pretty good, I have been keeping up with my deck of positive cards based on the book, "The Four Agreements," by Don Miguel Ruiz, which I'll share one at the end of this post. I have been trying to stay more positive about things I cannot change, whether it be a bad joint day, a bad encounter with someone, & basically just things that are out of my control. I decided that since my Nana's Race is in less than 2 weeks I want to focus on making my legs stronger by running on the treadmill more so than yoga. So I am putting this month's 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge on hold, because my legs are my #1 priority right now. I am still doing yoga but a little bit less.
   
        So today was a very inspiring & uplifting day with my girlfriends...we attended a Yoga Charity Event called, "Yoga Aid World Challenge,"where we were able to do yoga outside on the Santa Monica Pier in LA. It was so beautiful, the atmosphere, the energy of the crowd, & especially the teachers who led us through our practice. I heard so many amazing perspectives, affirmations, intention suggestions, that I was overwhelmed within the beauty of the whole idea of practicing yoga, & how it truly helps us eternally as well. September has been a crazy & busy month already with school starting, my deadline for my art show, my trying to workout every chance I get to strengthen my legs, my writing, & not to mention having time for my family & friends. I feel as if I am being pulled in every direction, & also I have really been trying to deal with other things within my life that I'd like to change that I am working on, yet I accept things take time. Such as getting back to remission, making some life moves that are scary yet needed, & just finding that balance of stillness within my crazy, yet blessed life.

      So after a week of chaos, I woke up this morning & was able to make the 7am hot yoga class, which was amazing. The teacher is always so inspiring with his words & insights. He kept saying, "Don't worry about what is outside of you, but only what is within of you." I love that, & that was sort of the theme for today in a way. Finding that inner calmness when everyone or everything in your life in anything but. We get so distracted  thinking of the past, like things we regret, or the future & worrying about it, & then we miss out on those little moments of pure bliss. Look, truly we all have a story. We all have different stresses in our life, insecurities, health scares, etc. But it is how we handle them, & not allow it take us over. So today after hearing that in my first yoga practice, I headed to the Santa Monica Pier for the Yoga Challenge with a light heart.

       As we walked down the pier with our yoga mats, I could not help but be excited to see what this was all about. It was a huge crowd with their yoga mats all laid across the pier.The class had just started & I saw people practicing without mats or even yoga clothes on, yet what was so beautiful is they were willing to be a part of the moment, & that was so inspiring to witness. As the class went on, I stretched in downward facing dog, & I just listened. There were noises & distractions all around, people talking, laughing, screams on the roller coaster where  we were practicing next too, but I still was able to focus on the position. Then in our last meditation pose, "Shavasana," I nearly fell asleep with my body limp, (I mean it was my second yoga class of the day...lol) & I realized how crazy this all was. I was in meditation on a pier, in a city in the blazing sun, & with crowds of different noises all around. They were happy noises which helped. It was a Sunday at the beach, so people were in relaxed & happy moods so it was easy to let that sink into my meditation. I took in this moment fully, feeling grateful for being healthy enough to do the class, for the laughter around me, but most of all the calmness that was within me.

           So even though we cannot always control what is around us, we can control what is within us. The chaos will melt away if we are able to block it out at times & not worry each & every moment. So in that today I realized it is all about finding that inner peace, calmness, & balance within ourselves no matter what is going on around us. This morning I was in a quite yoga studio with no music or outside noise, & then a few hours later I was on a loud pier overlooking then ocean, but eiether way I felt just as calm if not more than being in the studio as I was there. And I would not had it any other way. As Mariah Carey says,"If you have peace within yourself, nobody can touch you." So we cannot always have it all balanced or in control, but we can do our best, do not judge ourselves, & just be. I will also leave you with one of my favorite cards that I pulled from "The Four Agreements.

"Your Best is changing all the time.
Your best will depend on whether you are refreshed in the morning or tired at night.
Your best will be different when you are happy as opossed to when you are upset, or healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, & you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, & regret."-Don Miguel Ruiz

         
   

September...Always a Fresh Start!

Happy September!!!!!

Finding the Happiness in the Silly Things....

One of my Favorite Books in the form of a deck of cards!

       Hello Loves! Happy September! How are you all? I love September because it always brings me back to my childhood school days. Everything is fresh like a new year, even though only it's a new season! The new clothes, new notebooks, & basically it's like a clean slate before the year ends! I always like to look at my January Goals, refresh them, & maybe cross things off & or add things. I have the BIG 30 this December so I definitely have goals I want to achieve by then! I started to make a "30 things before I do before turning 30," but it started to stress me out a bit so I have decided to change it to a "30 things I want to do in my year of 30!" Or at least that makes the procrastinator in me feel a little better...lol.
     
      So I wanted to comment about my last blog, it seemed some people saw it a bit sadder than my normal posts..but here's the thing; I said that I would be nothing but raw & real within my writing about my life. Some people may like to read just the happy blogs, because let's be real we all have our own problems & may not care to hear others. Yet I have personally found within my own inspiration that it has come from hearing of other's struggles & then seeing how they persevered & got through it. All I wish is for someone to read my blog & gain maybe some inspiration, faith, & hopefully a little less alone in what they may be personally going through. I am not a guru of anything, but I am the driver in my own life & I am just like all of you. Wanting pure love with others & myself. I have come a long way since I was a teenager, yet I'm sure I will say that 10 years from now as well. So I only speak of my experiences & feelings of where I am at today & this moment. I may look back at a blog a year from now & think, "What was I thinking?" But that is where GROWTH comes in.
     
       Speaking of growth, what are your intentions for the rest of the year? What mini goals can you set to help yourself get closer to where you want to be? Make a list of little goals, or even one big goal. Even focusing on them for just 20 minutes a day is better than nothing. Yesterday I was driving to hot yoga & realized what September meant to me. It would be the 10th year in a row of running the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 5k for my Nana. Most of you who read my blog already know about Nana, but those who don't know, she's my grandmother who lost her battle to breast cancer many years ago. I held the tears back as I walked into yoga with my cane (I'm starting to think of the yoga studio as a therapist office I cry so much there..lol..jk.) Anyways I realized I would not be able to run the race unless some miracle would happen to my legs & that they'd go into remission. I wanted to turn around, & just cry in my car, but Nana whispered in my ear to get to yoga.

       So I did, & even though the first half I could not stop thinking of my running, & my disappointing Nana in heaven that day, but I somehow made it through. I could feel her presense in the quite room & calmness came over me. And it did not stop there. Nana made sure my night got better & let me know that positivity was around me. I stopped by my best friends house as her daughter's begged me not to go, & tickled me until I was laughing hysterically. Then when I got home, I received an amazing gift from my Aunt Lisa which was a beautiful deck of cards transformed from one of my favorite books, "The Four Agreements," by Miguel Ruiz. Then I received a beautiful email from my pen pal from London Dee. She's a beautiful & inspiring person in my life & her emails always leave me smiling for a week after. I have to stay positive no matter what. I am gonna start the treadmill this week in hoping it will help retrain my legs, pray, & since I have been wanting to get my "Nana" tattoo forever, I thought race day may be the perfect day to get it & honor my guardian angel. Here's my September Goal List... I hope you all get to yours as well. And I promise no more crying in yoga..lol. Namaste.

                                                       SEPTEMBER GOALS
1) To complete a 30 class/30 day yoga challenge
(I almost made it last month, did 24 classes!)
2) To read 1 non school book besides book 3 of Fifty Shades of Grey...haha!
 3) Paint! Paint! Paint!
4) Write everyday..even just 20 minutes.
5) Do treadmill at least 5x a week to help strengthen my legs.
6) For every negative thing I experience try to find a positive.
7) Read a card out of my deck once a day. Let's start with today....it says,

      "Say Goodbye to sadness & drama. All the sadness & drama you have lived in making assumptions & taking things personally. The whole world of control between humans is based on that. Take a moment & consider this." -Miguel Ruiz

Imaginary World...Wishing for a Map book on Life..

The picture that inspired me today..or at least to draw it..

Me...Black & White...moments alone..

Rainbow Hope....knowing soon things will make sense. 

Relaxing & Soaking up these last days of my Summer...

      Hello Loves, how is everyone today? I have been so bad the past week with my blogging. I started school & then got sick with the flu which I am still recovering from. Who gets sick in 90 degree weather? Yuck! Lol...So how is every one's summer going? Not obsessing too much over your bodies I hope & just enjoying the summer right? I will tell you I have definitely been using food as a comfort these last few days of being sick & I am not happy with myself because food is to nourish our bodies, not to punish. So when I start to treat my body like a trash can by eating whatever, then that is self-punishment. So next time you've had a bad food binge or just a few days of eating crap, think about what you are truly doing to yourself. Not only physically but emotionally as well. But the past is the past so if you  ever have, just forgive yourself & move on.

       Anyways I have been feeling kind of low these past two weeks, & a bit scattered. Ever feel that way? It is so weird to be 29 & feeling kinda lost, like-"What the hell am I going to do with my life? Meaning my career, if I want to get married, have children, travel the world, become a yoga teacher, artist, nutritionist, writer, etc...In life we have no map book so how do we know if were moving in the right direction, & who's to say our choices aren't "good enough?" Even though I do not envy my married & engaged girlfriends I do envy their husbands...because at the end of the day I realize my best friends get new ones. And where does that leave me? I think that has what really has been on my mind. Not feeling left out of being part of the married crew, but being part of any crew for that matter. I had coffee with one of my good friends D the other night & it was just the conversation I needed to hear. We both always refer to ourselves as "The Late Bloomers" as well as "Free Spirits." Because we are both single, went back to school later in life, still are unsure of which direction to go. So when seeing our other friends partner up, find careers & perfectly mold their dream life as we sit waiting & wondering, is sometimes not the easiest thing. Are we making the right choices? When will certain things get easier? Where will we be in five years? At nearly 35...sounds so scary yet exciting.
   
     Since it had been a draining week emotionally , on Sunday I found myself walking into the yoga studio happier & calmer because I knew I would be able to forget. Forget about all the drama, work, people who had been disappointing me lately, & just close off everyone & everything. When I did that, I wanted to stay in my imaginary world of peace & serenity forever. There were no bills in yoga, no ugly green cane I had to carry, no toxic people, no traffic, no mean words, just peace. There was just approval, no judgement, no opinions, & basically just an amazing teacher telling the class, "Your stronger than you think you are." Am I? Was I? I have been feeling the complete opposite as I let the tears fall in warrior three pose because in hot yoga nobody really can tell if their tears or sweat anyways. Lol. I had decided to do a double that day, meaning 2 classes back to back. I had never done that, at least not two heated ones so I felt very nervous & doubtful, like "Can I do this? Am I strong enough? Do I have enough endurance?" So I just did it, without knowing the outcome yet going in full force. And I guess that's how I need to look at my life right now. Me & my girlfriend D. We do not know the outcome, or have any directions to this thing called life yet does anyone really?. I can't predict who I'll meet, where I'll go, but what I do know is I will keep pushing forward & doing the things I am passionate about, my writing, my yoga, my painting, & hope that those will be the streets that will take me to the home that I'll need to go. Because when I find my home I will find comfort. Within the career I choose, within the city I pick, within the people I surround myself with with, & my life will become settled, familiar, & comfortable just like a home would feel like. Yet first I plan to seek that comfort within myself.

   

Freedom...going to your happy place in hard times.

Me pretending to be a mermaid..floating freely...

Painting my Beautiful Women I've created.....

Feeling carefree laughing with one of my best friends Pilan.

The thing that frees me the most...when I journal...

Hello Loves...Happy Wednesday! I have been not keeping my promises with blogging twice a week, so I apologize. Things have been a little crazy, & to be honest with the 30 class/30 day yoga challenge, sometimes all I have energy for at the end of the day is work & yoga. LOL..but I can feel my body getting a little smaller & toner so all the hard work is paying off. But truthfully there are some days that I am practically crying walking into class, not because of not wanting to do the class, but because of the extreme soreness I feel. But it has been a powerful experience truly. The strength I am gaining from this challenge is spilling over onto other parts of my life, & that is an amazing feeling.
     
       So how have you all been? Hoping that your all making time for yourself & your hobbies as well as taking care of yourself body, mind, & spirit. I have been thinking a lot about how I am trying to surround myself lately with positive things & positive people but sometimes life isn't always that easy or perfect. We have all been stuck in a situation where no matter what we try to do or where we go, there will always be negative people trying to bring us down. Whether it be a coworker who belittles you, a family member who is hard to get along with, or even a toxic friend who has you questioning whether or not they are your friend will always be a part of life. One can never fully eliminate the toxicity around them because one cannot control other people, but what we can do is control our reactions to those people. We can free ourselves of their toxic poison. How? By giving ourselves permission to not care, walking away for a moment, or all together eliminating our time spent with that person.

      I feel that all the toxic situations that arise in daily lives are truly there for a reason. To teach us something either about ourselves, the other person, or simply just to show us who we do not want to be like. I read an amazing book a few years ago by author Don Miguel Ruiz called, "The Four Agreements." There were two out of the four that truly changed my life, & it was agreement 2 & 3, which were, "Don't Take Anything Personally," & "Don't Make Assumptions." The first one was a big one for me because I have always been a very sensitive person, & if someone for example, came into work one day in a bad mood, I would automatically think, "Oh they must be mad at me," even if I hadn't done anything. I learned this too in arguments that if someone, whether it be your family, an ex, or a friend is yelling, cussing, or just using words fueled with venom know this; it is what they are going through within themselves, not you why they are being that way. Sometimes we let our anger just build & build over a period of time that it just explodes on the first person near us. I always try to remind myself that anger stems from hurt feelings anyways. So next time someone yells at you, or shows extreme anger at you, ask yourself, "Are their feelings just hurt but they don't know how to communicate in a calm manner?" And if the answer is yes, even then we cannot always get that person to see our side so that when I say..go. Go & free yourself. Go to your happy place. If you live with the person, go to another room, if you hangout with the person, maybe take some distance until they calm down & are willing to see your side.

      As for the third agreement of not to assume, I really love this one too because we always try to assume how others are feeling or what they are going to say. We are not mind readers, or psychics so give that person a chance to tell you why they are acting the way they are. Also admitting our faults is a hard one, because our ego is involved, & also our pride. But sometimes I'd rather have peace than pride, but that does not mean I do not stand my ground. It is all about balance. But that being said, sometimes we will never see eye to eye with certain people, & that is when you have to question whether or not that person needs to stay in our lives. Sometimes it stings at first to make the hard decisions of ending a friendship, filing for divorce, or even not spending as much time with a relative who tries to bring you down, but in the end your spirit will thank you. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, & like I said we don't always have control but we can control ourselves. So try not to yell back as loud as they do, stay calm or leave. Try not to say mean things back either because really why fight dirty & roll in the mud with someone just because they like too? And last but not least, give yourself permission to free yourself. Go for a run, vent to someone who is not judgemental, sing loudly, write, cry, or do whatever will help you escape that ugly energy that is surrounding you. I didn't grow up perfectly, yet who has? So there are a few sacred places & things I tend to do that still, at 29 help me feel free, forget, & just be happy, even if it's just for that moment. For me it has been art, writing, running, reading, calling a friend to hear me cry then make me laugh, & lately it has been yoga. So remember to set yourself free from that toxic person or situation, & if you cannot do that just go to your happy place, whether it be physically or mentally.