Fifty Shades of.....

Me...El Natural...

The World's Current Obsession..for most women anyway.

Me feeling silly as my Mom does this mini photo shoot

Me & My Best Friend''s idea of a Perfect Summer Day....

Hello Loves! Happy Sunday..how is everyone's weekend? So I wanted to warn that this blog is going to be a little bit more for umm...adults. So here we go. I have truly been contemplating  writing about the new obsession on practically every woman's mind that I have spoken to..the erotic book, "Fifty Shades of Grey," by author E L James. It is a tantalizing love story between the ever so appealing sexy twenty-something rich entrepreneur Christian Grey & the ever so simple & a bit naive Anastasia Steele. This book takes us on a roller coaster of their love that is erotic, emotional, & serves as addictive like a drug to it's readers. It got me thinking though why is it so appealing to so many women..it couldn't just be the sex could it? Okay maybe it could..LOL. Here's the thing about us women, we are taught to not talk about sex, or if we enjoy it & talk about it freely, we are looked down upon unlike men. Let's face it women are sexual beings & there is nothing wrong with that. Sex is a beautiful thing, a pleasure like no other, & can make you learn to know & love your own body in many ways. As a single 29 year old, I realize that it is a different era than our mothers who married young & maybe never had more than one partner. But as a women of this day & age, most of us did not stay with the person we lost our virginity too..Thank God! LOL! We have had different partners, not all being from a monogamous relationship either. There is no shame in that & I know there is a double standard that if men sleep with different partners, they are "Pimps," yet if a women does, she is considered a "Slut." I could not disagree more, but what I will say is that our bodies are like temples & should only be shared with whom deserves it. If you play it safe & are with someone you are truly comfortable with to go to that next level, what's the shame in that? Yet I do feel one should be particular with whom they choose because not "just anybody" deserves such a personal part of us. And to be quite honest I feel that sex is always better when your in love with someone. When you have sex with someone you love, there is no other way to feel closer to each other than feeling as one. It is more than feeling wanted though, a partner should know your body inside & out, yet also make you feel beautiful & comfortable in your own skin. If we don't go through the heartaches, good lovers, bad lovers, & different relationships, then how will we get closer to knowing what we truly want in the end? I think also aside from the sex, this book is deeper than it gets credit for. In truth, witnessing Christian's strong love for Ana is something I think us women all long for. It isn't just about that he's amazing in bed, wealthy, a unselfish lover with movie star good looks, well those things don't hurt either..LOL. But it's the way he loves her so deeply by accepting her in every way, flaws & all. He fights for her, will do anything to make her happy, & is just truly raw in his vunerable state of love when he is in her presence. He is not perfect though with all his baggage, emotional that is. We watch as Ana tries to love him, figure him out, & in a way fix him with her love. He is as she says, her "Fifty shades of f**ked up." She sees that he is broken from his past & has not known pure unconditional love, so she hopes in a way she can break the spell. Can't we all relate? I had my fifty once. He swept me off my feet, would send me 100 roses a week, took me places I'd never been, & made me feel like the most loved & beautiful woman in the whole world. I had never been so in love with someone, & I haven't been in love since. I started to see the cracks in his emotional stability, & after a long off & on roller coaster I decided to get off the ride. I am not looking for someone like my fifty, but I will not settle for anything other than an amazing connection, physically, spiritually, & emotionally. In reality too, we've all been there. Falling in love with someone we thought we could fix, or save emotionally as Ana has tried to do over & over in "Fifty Shades." Christian is fifty shades of broken, yet aren't we all in some way? Or at least a piece of us? That's the beauty in love, it teaches you to show the other person the beauty that they cannot see in themselves. As Ana is doing just that as she shows Christian unconditional love, he does the same for her by letting her realize & see that she is worthy of his love. So what do we all get from this trio of erotic seductive novels..I'd say "Hope." Hope to find someone to love us that deeply, someone to teach us to love & accept our bodies, even if we consider them flawed in someway, someone to help us realize we are worthy of being loved that much, & well hopefully someone to give us mind blowing sex as well.

Just Be...Embrace don't obsess....

Self-Love...hearts to show I'm always a work in progress..

No makeup..just kisses & love to give...

Me being a Silly Girl....

Laughter is the best healer..

Hello Loves...Happy Friday! I am sure you are all excited for the weekend! I took today off because since yesterday I was very fatigued & in a lot of joint pain...I had a really bad flare up. I know exactly why..I overdid it on Wednesday. I tend to think that I am Superwoman & that I can do it all...but why can't I? Well mentally I feel sometimes I can, but physically not always. I have to baby my body a lot..because your body does speak to you..if you listen closely enough. Speaking of that, remember my whole drastic change I had mentioned about changing my diet-the whole no sugar, no dairy, no fake sugar...blah blah blah was good in theory but it was too much too soon. It overwhelmed me & then I rebelled...a lot. So I have started over but have been making smaller changes. I feel the more you deny yourself something the more you want it & then you sort of turn into a monster..or at least I do..LOL. So what was my body telling me this week..my mind..my spirit? A lot. Monday I bravely walked into the yoga studio after nearly a month since I relapsed, & even though my legs still give out when I walk & they are weak, I wanted to just try & see how they would do. I was welcomed back with a warm hug from one of the sweet instructors & she was so impressed with how well I did. My balance was off..but then is anything ever perfect? No. What I love about this particular instructor Janna is that she always shares an inspiring lesson by the end of class. She talked about this other instructor who would obsess & spend endless hours practicing to be the best & most perfect yoga teacher but could not get a certain pose right after she had been trying nonstop. Finally after going to a well known studio with a bunch of top yogis & being a small fish in a huge pond she realized all she could be was the "Best Version of Herself" instead of "The Perfect Version of Herself." And that when she finally stopped focusing on where she was going, she was able to just enjoy where she was, & having that pressure being lifted, her practice improved tremendously. I recently too had a client who was attending her High School Reunion & had been so down & disappointed because she had not lost all the weight she wanted by the day of it. But then a week after she came into my office glowing & giggling while reminiscing about how much fun she had at the reunion. I asked her, "So did your weight matter when you were dancing, laughing, & having a blast that night with your friends?" She shook her head, "Not at all." I smiled knowing a light bulb had went off. So it all flows together...when we really stop obsessing over things, they just come together. My Mom always tells me that when she sees me obsessing over losing weight. As much as I say I take the advice I give I don't always. So here's my challenge to you & myself..just LIVE. LAUGH. EAT. NAP. CRY. LOVE. ENJOY NOW. When we give ourselves permission to "just be" like my yoga teacher says, we are able to just be in the moment & isn't that all we really have anyway? I feel good when I do yoga, so when my joints allow it I do it. I took today off work & yoga because I did not feel well, & that is what my body needed. I wrote late last night in my journal because that what my mind craved. I sipped on coffee while reading a book in our cabana near our pool this morning because that's what my spirit wanted. I have been making it a habit even on days like today when all I wanna do is lay in bed on my pain pills to sit outside, get sun, & enjoy it. I am treating my inner self with love, care, & self respect. So what can you do for yourself today? For your body? Or your mind? Or your spirit?  Be kind to yourself, less critical, & well like Janna says...just be. Namaste.

A Modern Day Carrie Bradshaw...

Carrie Bradshaw, my "Carrie" necklace, & my "Love" keychain

Me living, laughing, & loving life as a single gal....

The Girls from "Sex & the City"

My Writing, My Love, Myself....

Hi Loves..Happy Sunday! How are you all today? I have so many blog ideas at the moment so I've decided to do 2 a week, one every Sunday & one every Wednesday! Anyways so a lot has been on my mind lately yet I don't want to sound like a broken record but then again things come up over & over that make me rethink about them. One is being a twenty-something year old single girl...if I hear one more person ask me why I am single I'm gonna scream..Lol. I have actually fallen in love recently... more in love with my writing. So that got me thinking about 2 things...Love & Writing. Or my Love for Writing. In one of my Favorite Shows, "Sex & The City," Carrie Bradshaw the main character is a writer for a sex column in New York City. She is in her thirties, single, & has 3 best friends whom she shares everything with. I discovered the show as a 19 year old & I enjoyed it, but I was a kid then so there was still things I did not "get" about it or could not relate to. Now as a single 29 year old with a few serious relationships, bad dates, heartbreaks, etc. under my belt, I LOVE it, I GET it, & most of all I RELATE to it. I started this blog only in April yet lately have been getting such amazing feedback from women liking it & asking for more. Some have even said I should write a book. Me? A real author of a book? I was fortunate enough to have one of my poems published a year ago, which felt amazing, but a book? What kind? A novel? A Memoir? What should I write about? "Write what you know," is what I've always believed but then again I am only 29 which may seem too young to write a memoir though sometimes I feel like I could pull it off. So any feedback on what you guys would think, please let me know. It got me thinking of Carrie Bradshaw & all the subjects that she speaks of that relate to women. The "Should I's" us women find ourselves thinking. Should I have a baby? Should I go back to college? Should I have dumped him? Should I marry him? Should I have had that 3rd cosmo? Should I feel guilty for saying "no?" Should I have slept with him so soon? Should I have kept quite & not stood up for myself? Should I let my dreams pass me by because I am afraid of failing? Should I feel I am not worthy enough because all the other girls have diamond rings on their fingers & mine is a diamond butterfly? There are so many questions, so many doubts, so many expectations we place on ourselves. As Carrie says in one episode, "As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just  keep going." So well said Carrie. There's pressure from our family, friends, ourselves of why we are not doing this or doing that...yet doesn't it come down to our own opinion that truly matters? Like Carrie Bradshaw, I have amazing best friends who hear about my little life, laugh with me, cry with me, tell me their opinion whether I like it or not, & most of accept me for all that I am. Like Carrie Bradshaw, I sometimes put buying a pair of heels & a latte over paying for more responsible things. Like Carrie Bradshaw, I go back to men who are not the best for me in the long run, but are oh so fun for the moment. Like Carrie Bradshaw, I doubt myself, my choices, my choice to maybe never have babies, my singleness & feeling maybe fulfilled by just that. I write what I know & what do I know right now? I am flawed. I am sensitive. I am dramatic. I am emotional. And I am brave. Finally at this age, I realize I am worthy of fulfilling my dreams & as much as society wants it to be a picket white fence with a husband & a baby, well I'm not so sure. I dream of getting my degrees, & after this semester I'll have degree one. I dream to move out on my own & become more of an independent woman. I dream to get back in remission & healthy again so I can run, do hot yoga, & walk in heels. I dream to follow my dreams...and my dream used to be an actress. My new dream came though out of just doing what I truly love..writing & hopefully inspiring other women like myself who may doubt themselves. My dream has many different arrays of things, & not one has to do the one that's expected. No diamonds needed...well maybe just the ones on my butterfly ring...

Beauty & the Perception of it all...

Me, Myself, & I....

The Beauty of Health....

Me...Bare...no makeup..no mask

Hello Loves, I know it has only been since Sunday but I am getting the urge to blog more than once a week. So I hope you all do not get sick of me..LOL. How is everyone today? It is mid week but a day off for me. I am truly savoring all these free days of relaxation because school starts soon & I tend to overdue it. Anyways speaking of not overdoing it & learning better self-care Monday I went to Trader Joe's at the beginning of the week & stocked up on lots of yummy healthy foods & mineral water. I have decided to go on a no sugar (or very low), no fake sugar (I am ending my love affair with diet coke), no dairy, anti-inflammatory plan. I don't want to use the word, "Diet" either because I am an overall healthy eater..I have lost the same 45 pounds twice after gaining it due to my prednisone use over the years. My body has been very understanding of my yo yo weight throughout the years, the things my auto immune disease has put it through, & sometimes my overindulging in things such as sweets, alcohol, junk food...Lol. So I have been eating more fruits & vegetables (although I always eat a lot of those anyways), more water, & less processed food. Do I miss it all? Well it has only been 3 days, & I have sneaked a little in here or there. And I am okay with that because it is a life change. If eating this way will improve my Wegeners I am all for it! (Wegener's Granulomatosis is what I have). I've gained about 10 pounds in the last year but I am not gonna obsess over it. I get depressed because I cannot workout as much due to my relapse & then let my good eating habits go a little bit. But this time I don't want to use bad food to cope with it. I want to show my body self care by putting the right things in it. Here's the thing too as I turn 30 this year I truly want to banish beating myself up for not having that perfect body or being that perfect size. I was at my lowest weight over a year ago & I remember thinking I was finally where I had wanted to be so bad yet was still not perfectly happy like I assumed I would be. I even remember thinking, "Well if I was only 10 pounds thinner." What?! When would it ever be enough? Then it hit me; all this weight stuff was just a fabrication, it was not the key to true happiness or confidence. Sure I'd still would like to lose that ten I gained back plus another 5 for my height but I am not going to obsess. I refuse, my poor legs can't even walk without a cane right now so why would I scold them or hiss at them for not being a perfect size? Would I talk to a child that way? No...so why would I do that to my body right now? I just dream of being healthy again & back in remission. Nothing more. I'm also realizing that feeling beautiful is not about being a perfect size 2, 6, 8 or even 0 to some...it is all about perception. So I am enjoying those moments when I do feel beautiful at this weight. I feel beautiful when someone hugs me, when I get a sweet comment about my writing, when I have a man I care for tell me they think I'm beautiful to them, when I hug a child I care for, when I eat clean foods & feel light. There are so many things at the moment I have to be grateful for & that make me feel beautiful already. I do know when I run or do yoga I feel like a Goddess, Lol...but I physically cannot do those things right now..so I will be grateful for what I CAN do. That's swimming, writing, spending time with loved ones, working a job I love & helping my clients. Beauty is truly different for everyone. So what makes you feel beautiful? Do you have amazing children that think the world of you? Or a best friend who makes you feel needed? A husband who adores you? Beauty is good health. Beauty is the person with the bald head going through chemo praying to survive. Beauty is the man opening the door for an elderly person who may not be strong enough. Beauty is a person who does for another yet doesn't expect anything in return. Beauty is the single mother who works 3 jobs to support her children. Beauty is someone who doesn't judge. Beauty is a lot of things. I feel the most beautiful after a workout, or being home fresh out of a shower & enjoying me time. I feel beautiful when my Doctor looks at me & says, "Your bloodwork is perfect." Beauty is you, Beauty is me, & it is exactly the way one chooses to see it.

The Blueprint...

Me just enjoying the Sun & reading of course...

Love...

My recent journal I wrote in for a year..starting my new one soon!

Hello Loves...Happy Sunday!!! Man...Summer is flying by! I start school in about a month so I am truly drinking summer in...laying out every free chance, reading non school books, staying up late & sleeping in...truly it's the best! How was everyone's week? Again THANK YOU so much to everyone who has been taking the time to read & comment on my blog! It means the world to me!!! And I honestly never realized people would...er uh be that interested..lol so Thank you! I have kept a journal since I was 12 years old so for me writing is fun, therapy, & one of my biggest outlets if not the biggest! (Running is a tie!) LOL...so this blog is not much of a stretch I'm just sharing with everyone. I also feel more free in a way in the sense that I have shared & opened up about my disease & my coping with it. It doesn't define me in any way & I do not share for pity, I just felt that if my struggle or the way I deal with the struggle can help someone or inspire that's all that matters. I did have a moment the other day after someone rudely pointed to my cane & say "What is that?! Why do you have that?!" Not in the sweetest tone either, I looked at my friend I was with & tried to hold back my tears but could not. "I don't know if I'm ready to go through this all over again." I told her as tears streamed down my cheeks. And sometimes I feel like I am not. Only two months out of the woods from my last relapse & here I am again. It's like 2 steps forward..10 back. But I felt better after I had my mini meltdown. Sometimes you need to just feel what your feeling, let it out, & then move on...ya know? I have been thinking a lot lately & I'll be 30 in less than 6 months & sometimes I think, "Holy Sh*t..Who am I & Where am I going?" It is hard seeing everyone couple up, get married, & have kids. Sometimes it feels like being in 5th grade being the last one to picked to be on someone's kickball team. I suck at sports so without a doubt I was always the last one picked..LOL. I hated sports though so I could care less, but it toys with your self-esteem in a way. And so as a single twenty something year old being the last to couple up does too. I don't know my inner self feels pulled in both directions with the idea sometimes. As much as it looks so comforting to couple up, so does the idea of finding comfort within myself instead. Love is truly one of the greatest feelings, but so is feeling that love for oneself. It's like having a solid blueprint before you build a house. Am I ready to build that with someone already? Am I selfish to not care? Sometimes I wonder if someone can handle me too..all of me? My hyper personality, my need for attention, my disease, my need to have my alone time, my need to feel loved 24/7? I do not know..I was in one relationship after another & now these last few years of being single have definitely had their ups & downs. But I'd say more ups than downs. Because FINALLY at 29 I feel braver to follow my little passions..my artwork, my yoga practice, my writing..the list goes on & on. I have become my own best friend & sometimes that ain't so bad either..if Love decides to find me again I think I'll be ready because I know that the blueprint is pretty solid; yet it is always a work in progress. Then again aren't we all?

The Wedding...Chicago Part 3

My Beautiful Bride Ashley...

A night of memories with my Best friend in the whole wide world!

Me & My Cousin as little girls..we looked like Twins...

Hello Loves...here it is as promised Part 3 of Chicago...The Wedding. I had went to Chicago all for the purpose of being in my cousin Ash's wedding & it was truly a highlight in my life I'll always remember. Even though I titled this post "The Wedding" I will say it was a beautiful day & there is no doubt a true genuine love between the couple..but what really amazed me was the feelings I had over my cousin's happiness as if it was my own. I know I have spoken so much about my cousin & the depth of our relationship but this week really became even more clear to me how strong our love was...just me & her. You see I don't have a sister, just a brother, & I've seen the closeness between some of my girlfriends & their sisters & always wondered what it would be like, even though in my heart Ashley to me was my sister. A few nights before her wedding I had mentioned to her my speech I had been working on, & she looked at me surprised saying only her sister had planned on speaking, who was also her maid of honor. My heart sank as I tried to cover my disappointment, but just like a true sister she could see it in my face. Well that & I don't have the best poker face either...LOL. But I got quite then said to her, "But I am your sister." I think at that moment it truly became clear to her that she was not just my cousin & best friend but she was my sister & she was the only one I really knew since I was a baby. She'd seen all my ups & downs, experienced growing pains with me, saw me at my worst & yet also celebrated me at my best. In my week of my relapse on this trip & though all my joint pain, she was still able to pull herself out of all her whirlwind wedding stuff & comfort me. This is just a tip of the iceberg in showing how selfless she is. She knows me so well, sometimes even better than myself I feel like. We fight just like sisters too, where we'll argue & literally within five minutes were laughing hysterically together. We borrow each other's clothes, finish one another's sentences, & have too many inside jokes to count. She will never judge me yet will never agree with me to please me. She is the mirror to my beauty, my strengths, my mistakes, my heartaches...& by that I mean when I make a mistake she's there to help me see it, move on, & better myself. And when I say heartaches by that I mean she feels my heartaches too. It was Ashley who convinced me to tell my Mom how sick I really was at 20 after coughing up blood the day they admitted me to ICU & eventually diagnosed me with my autoimmune disease. My lungs were filling with blood after many months of trips to the ER every other week. She literally saved my life. She rarely left my side at that hospital, & even was my strength during my depression after. She was truly my medicine, my healer, & my nurse. There has never been a moment she has ever made me feel she'd give up on me or our relationship. After giving my speech I think it became clear to her why it meant so much to me to speak how grateful I was to her after all these years & that her happiness & excitement over this wedding was just as much as hers as it was mine. Seeing her walk down that aisle was so overwhelming for me, & seeing my baby cousin giggle with her husband as they repeated their vows was such a indescribable moment for me because I was truly just as elated as she was. But that's the cool thing about sisters...they share everything, whether it be a dress, a bedroom, a doll, yet today we shared a glow...the same glow for the same reason; The Wedding.

It's The Little Things..Chicago Part 2

Latte Love...

Making the most of it all...

Cafe in the City....

A best friend moment between the Ashley's...

Hello Friends, how is everyone's week going?! So here it is Part 2 of the Chicago Trip Post I promised. I will put Part 3 up shortly. Tonight I went to dinner with one of my best friends Cynthia who just came back from an Amazing Trip in NYC & she said she felt like "She found herself there.." Also she spoke of how it changed her, gave her a confidence boost, & that perfect dose of happiness she felt she was lacking. I looked at her & asked, "Isn't it funny that sometimes we have to get away to find ourselves?" And it got me to thinking, why it that going away & experiencing these little moments make you feel almost a new person, with a new perspective? A moment staring into heaven while looking out the plane window, sipping a latte while people watching & realizing what diversity there is outside our own little world, or even just a realization of yourself that you had not seen before. Pulling yourself out of your own comfort zone while traveling can truly open your eyes. For Cynthia, she found confidence, for me it was faith & seeing a strength in myself I forgot I had. After the miracle at the wedding with my legs, it showed me such unwavering faith. And well having so many people, strangers even tell me how strong they felt I was made me believe that maybe they were right. Or at least I'd keep those inspiring words in my mind until I would learn to believe them. There were so many cool little moments like walking downtown people watching, or witnessing random acts of kindness between people. After a second day of self loathing over my cane there was a man with no legs on the street with a jar asking for money, I smiled, gave him some money, & then thought,"See Janene you have your legs still, they may not be working the way you'd like but you still have them." That was so humbling to me. Another memory was watching my cousin Ashley (The Bride) & one of her best friends Ashley have a laugh in the hotel room. (Yes they share the same name) Giggling nonstop & talking about the exciting wedding to come. I remember snapping a picture & they looked at me funny, but after they looked at it they saw why I could not help but capture a moment like that. And then feeling was how close my Nana was with me so much throughout this trip. In the plane we were flying through the clouds & I told my little cousin Zac who unfortunately never got to meet her, "Look Zac were in the clouds with Nana." Then seeing the giant rainbow that appeared on her birthday at the rehearsal dinner, & of course when she answered my prayer the day of the wedding as she helped me walk down the aisle. And last but not least just witnessing pure unconditional love between my family, new family, & even seeing stranger's becoming friends. Like chatting with a sweet taxi driver I met on my last day, or spending the week getting to know my cousin's best friend Ashley & seeing why she loves her so much; these were all these great little moments of love. That is what life is about, meeting people, reconnecting with people, or sometimes just reconnecting with yourself. Trips are not always about the scenery or the fancy hotel you stayed in..it's about those tangible souvenirs that can't be bought but just felt. For me I brought home a new sense of faith in myself, my health, & a sense of calmness that God knows exactly what he's doing with me & this relapse. Maybe it is to show me my strength, either way I feel I'm up for the challenge after Chicago...

God, Nana, & the Miracle in my Relapse...Chicago Part 1

Me carefree finally on my last day of Chicago...

Writing on the plane...

The rainbow that appeared on my Nana's Birthday

Hello Loves! Happy Sunday! How was everyone's week? I just got back from my trip to Chicago for my cousin's wedding & was really excited to blog all about the amazing things that happened. There was so much so I will be posting 3 parts of my trip. Too much happened this past week. There is something that happened which really affected me in many ways this week. As most of you know from reading my last blog I mentioned I felt I was in the mist of a relapse of my autoimmune disease & sure enough the day we got to the airport I could barely walk & by the time we landed in Chicago my legs were fully giving out. I did bring my cane so was prepared physically..emotionally? Well that's a different story. The first night I was in so much joint pain & as I walked up to meet my cousin Ashley for dinner I saw her beautiful bride glow & she did not flinch when she saw my cane. She embraced me & suddenly I knew somehow it would be okay. Her wedding was in a few days & all I could think was, "I'm not going to be able to dance at my own best friend's wedding." But I was wrong. The first few two days were really hard, the day after we landed everyone went sight seeing on tours & I was in so much pain I slept till almost 5pm in the hotel room. I felt rested & better though. That night when I got home from dinner, I sobbed to my Mom, "The relapse of my disease I could handle, but the timing of it all I could not." Then there was the rehearsal for the wedding, anxiety filled every part of my body as I clenched my partner's arm down the extra long church aisle. I remember wanting to burst into tears there as I watched the other girls walk so gracefully. We take things as simple as walking for granted until the ability is taken away from us. Fast forward to the Wedding Day. I remember feeling a serene calmness come over me as the wedding planner nodded for me & my partner to head down the aisle. Walk..walk..such a simple thing yet I never wanted anything more at that moment. Then a true miracle happened...after praying to God & my Nana I started to walk...perfectly. Out of all my 3 relapses this has never happened, in fact it is practically impossible since every 5-10 steps my legs buckle & give out during each relapse unless I am better. Yet here I was in God's house walking perfectly, slowly, & well...gracefully. I felt the smile across my face as I knew my Nana was there with me, probably holding on to my other arm to make sure I did not fall. The wedding guests smiled unknowingly that a true miracle had happened right before their eyes, at least for me anyways. As the night went on, my legs worked almost perfectly & there I was dancing at my best friend's wedding. I let the audience know about the miracle, & they clapped for me, & one of my friend's Mother told me I was her.."HERO." Gulp...me?! LOL...wow God is so amazing & yes my legs are back to giving out & the reality of my relapse is starting to kick in, but I'll never lose faith ever again because God & Nana gave me 1 day, just 1..but it was the only day I wanted.

Seeing the Beauty even when it seems impossible..

Reading Poolside while Tanning...

Sunkissed....

Packing for my Trip as I watch Beverly Housewives!!!

Hi Loves!!! Happy Sunday!!! Hope you all had a Beautiful Weekend! Tomorrow I leave at 4:30am for my Trip to Chicago! I'll have my sunglasses just in case the paparazzi tries to bother me..LOL! Anyways I feel still many emotions at the moment..I don't know. I feel so very lucky to have so many amazing & family who have been sending me get well wishes & telling me how much they love me & are praying, even 2 clients started crying when they saw me not being able to walk. It was so moving that my clients care so much & feel my sadness. It made me sad as I comforted them, "Don't cry it will be okay.." Which was so funny to me that I was comforting them, but so heart warming. The pain has gotten worse in my joints, my walking has gotten slower, & tonight I started to feel my knees buckle a bit. They have not fully but I am bringing my cane just in case. So this coming week is Ashley's Wedding. I really have to try not to let my upset emotions over my health problems override her happiness & excitement this week. It's not gonna be easy I'm not gonna lie. I am trying really hard to believe that it will go away by the wedding because I can't imagine not being able to dance at my best friend's wedding. We have been in so many weddings together as well as attended so I pray that God gives me a break just this once. I have been resting, got a massage today, & my Mom treated me to a mani/pedi. She insisted I get the cucumber scrub massage on my legs & feet. She could tell I did not feel well & I think it was her way of cheering me up! She's the best! It's those little generous things she always does that make me smile. I sat & read in the pool yesterday after taking my pain pill, I figured if I was gonna lay in pain it might as well be poolside while tanning while reading my latest book; "The Glass Castle," by Jeannette Walls."50 Shades of Gray" is next because I gotta see what all the fuss is about! LOL! Today something really exciting happened when I woke up to one of my best friend's telling me I am gonna be an Auntie! That was amazing to hear her glow over the phone & it truly allowed me to pull myself out of my funk & see the beauty of other's lives. All my friends are starting new chapters in their lives...marriage, kids, playing house with a boy, etc. Everybody has their own path & maybe I'm just a late bloomer. Here I am 29 & life is happening..sometimes it feels like for everyone else. I am not gonna compare myself to other friends lives who seem happier or ask God "Why me?" Why couldn't he delay this relapse till after my trip..because well Why not? He must truly see a strength in me that I'm still sometimes looking for. When people say to me, "Your so strong," I smile but wonder "Am I?" I have to be, & I know there are so many people way worse off than me. But I can still have my days. But not this week, because this week will be Ashley's Day. I am so grateful to see this chapter of her life take place in front of my eyes...my best friend getting married. So beauty is near...