My Inner Battle with Food...

Hello Loves! 

How are you all? Today is very personal blog post. One that I have been deathly afraid to write, let alone post. As you know last week was my 1st post in a long time. I talked about where I have been the last year, but I didn't go as deeply as I am ready to go today, but I want to because if can help just 1 person I am happy. Something I have been struggling with since I can remember is my "Binge Eating Disorder." Most people don't realize or even believe this is a true 

eating disorder because they don't understand it. Sometimes I had wished I had struggled with a more known one just for the sake of not getting that, "You just need willpower and discipline" disgusted look. This disorder is a very shameful one. Nobody wants to admit they've devoured a whole bag of chips in one sitting or 6 donuts at once. And yes I have done those things, or should I say have ate them..LOL! 

So when did this start? Does it really matter...I mean I can remember as early as about 9 years old hiding behind a living room table stuffing my face with a bowl of cereal. Do I know why I did that then? Of course not, but most likely the same reason I do it now; to sooth myself. The thing is I have an addictive personality and I always have had a very "All or Nothing" mindset. When food becomes that addiction, it is almost even harder than drugs or alcohol because you have to eat to live. With alcohol and drugs, you are able to live without them. Although at times it doesn't feel that way For some. I have gotten my eating in control at certain times within my life, but this past year has just not been one of those times. As it shows with my 45 pound weight gain. 

The biggest lesson that I have learned over the past month from reading some amazing books on this, (Which I will provide at the end of this post) is that this disorder is all about keeping a secret. And since I opened up to my boyfriend as well as a couple girlfriends recently, I have felt more free. It's so exhausting living this way. Quietly unwrapping food wrappers at 2am so you don't wake your partner, buying replacement food of the ones you've stolen from your roomate, and then waking up with that terrible food hangover the next morning. My hangovers have gotten even worse because I'll eat gluten which doesn't agree with me already. But when you're in that binge mode, none of those rules apply. All you need to do is quiet that inner dialogue, the "Binge Monster" if you will. 

But at the end of the day, each binge has felt like a one night stand. Feeling good in that moment, temporarily fulfilling that deep emptiness that lingers inside, and yet waking up feeling even more alone and lost then before. Ever feel that way after a binge? The truth is this; whether it is BED (Binge Eating Disorder), Bulima, Anorexia, or even just being straight up obsessive about dieting, it all stems from the same thing. What you ask, well it all comes down to fufilling our need to feel loved, not just by others but ourselves. The food addiction, or lack of in some disorders is just to gain control, to numb ourselves, to feel powerful, etc. Think about it, if an anorexic isn't eating, they are trying to prove to themselves that they're in control. So where in their life are they feeling that lack of control? In binging, we are trying to stuff down whatever feelings we are avoiding feeling, or maybe we are punishing ourselves with it afterbreaking our diet earlier that day. Yet why are we so afraid to feel? I'm referring to "we" because I am one of them. 

So whether you struggle with any of the disorders above, don't feel bad and don't feel alone, because you're not. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that being truthful is number 1. Just sharing this with you guys, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I hope that somewhere in this post, you felt a little less alone. I wanted to share this, so that I can share the upcoming ups & downs of my recovery. And in turn, get to learn about yours. Thank you for taking the time to not only read this post, but for not judging me. I look forward to opening up this truthful conversation between us women. 

  

Books that have helped me in the past, as well as recently with my BED. 

"The Love-Powered Diet," by one of my FAVORITE Authors-Victoria Moran

"food: the good girl's drug," by Sunny Sea Gold 

Getting back to me...

 

Hello Loves! 

How are you all? Gosh I've missed writing so much! I've missed the conversation between us! I didn't even realize it but when I decided to start blogging again, that the last time was November of 2014...YIKES! Anyway I'm back, in more ways than one! I literally have been in a year long rut...yes a whole year of my life that I've let pass me by. Have you ever been in that mindset...where you're just drifting through life? How did you pull through? Did you have to hit rock bottom in order to get back up? 

For me, it honestly started last June. I was newly diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease (Hypothyroid as well as Hyperthyroid) but of course I got the hypo symptoms and gained nearly 20 pounds! Then was laid off from my job, which turned out to be a blessing since I had already planned on moving to Hawaii for boyfriend's job (I know poor me right?), but it still didn't feel good being laid off in the way it was. Feeling depressed in Hawaii, I felt guilty for feeling so down living in such a beautiful place, but it just goes to show everything truly comes from within. Just like some celebrities whom have everything, yet confess after a stint at rehab that they still felt alone. Well that was me..no need to go into boring details, but I'm ready to get back to me! 

So fast forward to now...a year later. I have put on another 25 pounds, no job, I haven't blogged in almost a year, have barely journaled, and have basically just used food or wine to numb my unhappiness. But last night after a very eye opening long talk with my boyfriend he admitted he missed the old motivated happy me. I agreed, and I woke up today with a whole new zest. No more laying around feeling sorry for myself and no more self-medicating myself with food or any other unhealthy vices. Have you guys struggled with unhealthy vices..I know I have with food especially.

So if you've fallen in a bad rut recently...join me in taking leaps to change. I am a procrastinator, always have been, but gosh I'm 32 now, like enough is enough! I have lots to be grateful for, as I'm sure you do too! First thing is to reconize that and then you'll always have enough! Also what are you no longer doing that used to bring you happiness and kept you centered? For me, it has and will always be writing since I was twelve years old. That is my outlet, but by in neglecting that over the past I have took up different outlets, and they haven't been healthy.  So let's do this! No matter what we are never alone in what we're going through. Time to get back to you, time to get back to me, time to get back to us....