Imaginary World...Wishing for a Map book on Life..

The picture that inspired me today..or at least to draw it..

Me...Black & White...moments alone..

Rainbow Hope....knowing soon things will make sense. 

Relaxing & Soaking up these last days of my Summer...

      Hello Loves, how is everyone today? I have been so bad the past week with my blogging. I started school & then got sick with the flu which I am still recovering from. Who gets sick in 90 degree weather? Yuck! Lol...So how is every one's summer going? Not obsessing too much over your bodies I hope & just enjoying the summer right? I will tell you I have definitely been using food as a comfort these last few days of being sick & I am not happy with myself because food is to nourish our bodies, not to punish. So when I start to treat my body like a trash can by eating whatever, then that is self-punishment. So next time you've had a bad food binge or just a few days of eating crap, think about what you are truly doing to yourself. Not only physically but emotionally as well. But the past is the past so if you  ever have, just forgive yourself & move on.

       Anyways I have been feeling kind of low these past two weeks, & a bit scattered. Ever feel that way? It is so weird to be 29 & feeling kinda lost, like-"What the hell am I going to do with my life? Meaning my career, if I want to get married, have children, travel the world, become a yoga teacher, artist, nutritionist, writer, etc...In life we have no map book so how do we know if were moving in the right direction, & who's to say our choices aren't "good enough?" Even though I do not envy my married & engaged girlfriends I do envy their husbands...because at the end of the day I realize my best friends get new ones. And where does that leave me? I think that has what really has been on my mind. Not feeling left out of being part of the married crew, but being part of any crew for that matter. I had coffee with one of my good friends D the other night & it was just the conversation I needed to hear. We both always refer to ourselves as "The Late Bloomers" as well as "Free Spirits." Because we are both single, went back to school later in life, still are unsure of which direction to go. So when seeing our other friends partner up, find careers & perfectly mold their dream life as we sit waiting & wondering, is sometimes not the easiest thing. Are we making the right choices? When will certain things get easier? Where will we be in five years? At nearly 35...sounds so scary yet exciting.
   
     Since it had been a draining week emotionally , on Sunday I found myself walking into the yoga studio happier & calmer because I knew I would be able to forget. Forget about all the drama, work, people who had been disappointing me lately, & just close off everyone & everything. When I did that, I wanted to stay in my imaginary world of peace & serenity forever. There were no bills in yoga, no ugly green cane I had to carry, no toxic people, no traffic, no mean words, just peace. There was just approval, no judgement, no opinions, & basically just an amazing teacher telling the class, "Your stronger than you think you are." Am I? Was I? I have been feeling the complete opposite as I let the tears fall in warrior three pose because in hot yoga nobody really can tell if their tears or sweat anyways. Lol. I had decided to do a double that day, meaning 2 classes back to back. I had never done that, at least not two heated ones so I felt very nervous & doubtful, like "Can I do this? Am I strong enough? Do I have enough endurance?" So I just did it, without knowing the outcome yet going in full force. And I guess that's how I need to look at my life right now. Me & my girlfriend D. We do not know the outcome, or have any directions to this thing called life yet does anyone really?. I can't predict who I'll meet, where I'll go, but what I do know is I will keep pushing forward & doing the things I am passionate about, my writing, my yoga, my painting, & hope that those will be the streets that will take me to the home that I'll need to go. Because when I find my home I will find comfort. Within the career I choose, within the city I pick, within the people I surround myself with with, & my life will become settled, familiar, & comfortable just like a home would feel like. Yet first I plan to seek that comfort within myself.

   

Freedom...going to your happy place in hard times.

Me pretending to be a mermaid..floating freely...

Painting my Beautiful Women I've created.....

Feeling carefree laughing with one of my best friends Pilan.

The thing that frees me the most...when I journal...

Hello Loves...Happy Wednesday! I have been not keeping my promises with blogging twice a week, so I apologize. Things have been a little crazy, & to be honest with the 30 class/30 day yoga challenge, sometimes all I have energy for at the end of the day is work & yoga. LOL..but I can feel my body getting a little smaller & toner so all the hard work is paying off. But truthfully there are some days that I am practically crying walking into class, not because of not wanting to do the class, but because of the extreme soreness I feel. But it has been a powerful experience truly. The strength I am gaining from this challenge is spilling over onto other parts of my life, & that is an amazing feeling.
     
       So how have you all been? Hoping that your all making time for yourself & your hobbies as well as taking care of yourself body, mind, & spirit. I have been thinking a lot about how I am trying to surround myself lately with positive things & positive people but sometimes life isn't always that easy or perfect. We have all been stuck in a situation where no matter what we try to do or where we go, there will always be negative people trying to bring us down. Whether it be a coworker who belittles you, a family member who is hard to get along with, or even a toxic friend who has you questioning whether or not they are your friend will always be a part of life. One can never fully eliminate the toxicity around them because one cannot control other people, but what we can do is control our reactions to those people. We can free ourselves of their toxic poison. How? By giving ourselves permission to not care, walking away for a moment, or all together eliminating our time spent with that person.

      I feel that all the toxic situations that arise in daily lives are truly there for a reason. To teach us something either about ourselves, the other person, or simply just to show us who we do not want to be like. I read an amazing book a few years ago by author Don Miguel Ruiz called, "The Four Agreements." There were two out of the four that truly changed my life, & it was agreement 2 & 3, which were, "Don't Take Anything Personally," & "Don't Make Assumptions." The first one was a big one for me because I have always been a very sensitive person, & if someone for example, came into work one day in a bad mood, I would automatically think, "Oh they must be mad at me," even if I hadn't done anything. I learned this too in arguments that if someone, whether it be your family, an ex, or a friend is yelling, cussing, or just using words fueled with venom know this; it is what they are going through within themselves, not you why they are being that way. Sometimes we let our anger just build & build over a period of time that it just explodes on the first person near us. I always try to remind myself that anger stems from hurt feelings anyways. So next time someone yells at you, or shows extreme anger at you, ask yourself, "Are their feelings just hurt but they don't know how to communicate in a calm manner?" And if the answer is yes, even then we cannot always get that person to see our side so that when I say..go. Go & free yourself. Go to your happy place. If you live with the person, go to another room, if you hangout with the person, maybe take some distance until they calm down & are willing to see your side.

      As for the third agreement of not to assume, I really love this one too because we always try to assume how others are feeling or what they are going to say. We are not mind readers, or psychics so give that person a chance to tell you why they are acting the way they are. Also admitting our faults is a hard one, because our ego is involved, & also our pride. But sometimes I'd rather have peace than pride, but that does not mean I do not stand my ground. It is all about balance. But that being said, sometimes we will never see eye to eye with certain people, & that is when you have to question whether or not that person needs to stay in our lives. Sometimes it stings at first to make the hard decisions of ending a friendship, filing for divorce, or even not spending as much time with a relative who tries to bring you down, but in the end your spirit will thank you. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, & like I said we don't always have control but we can control ourselves. So try not to yell back as loud as they do, stay calm or leave. Try not to say mean things back either because really why fight dirty & roll in the mud with someone just because they like too? And last but not least, give yourself permission to free yourself. Go for a run, vent to someone who is not judgemental, sing loudly, write, cry, or do whatever will help you escape that ugly energy that is surrounding you. I didn't grow up perfectly, yet who has? So there are a few sacred places & things I tend to do that still, at 29 help me feel free, forget, & just be happy, even if it's just for that moment. For me it has been art, writing, running, reading, calling a friend to hear me cry then make me laugh, & lately it has been yoga. So remember to set yourself free from that toxic person or situation, & if you cannot do that just go to your happy place, whether it be physically or mentally.

When I get there...or wait I think I am already.

Me..Doing what I love..having Starbucks with Girl Chat!

A well deserved morning cup of Joe after Hot Yoga....

Me & My Girlfriend Jackie....at our weekly yoga date....

Truly one of the Sweetest Inspiring Cards I've ever received.

Hello Loves! Happy Wednesday! How are you all? I have been really busy & was not able to blog Sunday, but I will be blogging again this Sunday as well as writing about my 2nd "Inspirational Woman" of the week. I again want to take this time to thank my readers who send me the sweetest messages! Just that you all take time out of your day to read means a lot. Truly...& putting up with my awful Grammer..LOL. I am working on it! Anyways..summer is coming to an end, & I am a little sad. I really have been doing fun things on my Wednesdays off such as coffee & yoga dates with friends, laying out, painting, & basically just having "free"days. I'll also miss sleeping in or not stressing over deadlines. But it will feel nice to get back into the swing of things & back on a routine though. I'm doing pretty good on my 30 class/30 day yoga challenge too. I did my 14th & 15th yoga class tonight. I had missed a day last week due to work so I had to make it up somehow. So 15 classes only to go..LOL.
   
        So what have these nonstop weeks of yoga brought besides sore muscles & a tighter bum? Peace. Serenity. Acceptance. Happiness. I feel like there has lately been a lot of positive things & people drawn to me..probably because I am exuding that positive energy outward so it is coming back to me. At my work with my clients, with my friends, with myself. I feel just as they say...a sense of "ZEN?" LOL...corny to some maybe, but I could not love the feeling more. Also it is a daily work in progress for me not to obsess over my body & myself everyday but I am trying. I skipped the scale this week because I did not want to get off my yoga high if I saw a number that did not reflect my hard work. Yet shouldn't the number not be the only indicator of my hard work? I mean I did just type out how much "happier" I feel by doing it? It got me to thinking, "Will I ever get there?"
   
       Speaking of that question...I wonder, how many of us women ask ourselves that question? "When will I get there?" "There" meaning..the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect man, & well the perfect life. Tonight in yoga the instructor told us to not to judge ourselves, & that it was.."Yoga Practice, not Yoga Perfect." I thought that was so well put. Yesterday I got the most touching & beautiful letter from a client of mine named Bailey whom I've helped lose weight. She read through my blogs & wrote the sweetest compliments in my card thanking me for helping her. She's a beautiful girl whom I met a while back, & when I first met her was discouraged in her progress with her weight loss. I looked at her seeing the disappointment & sadness over her recent results & I saw my younger self in her. I was once that teenager sitting in her place. All I wanted was to lose weight, buy a smaller wardrobe, but most of all feel more "confident." Now 12 years later here I am still wondering, "Am I there yet?" I always promised myself when I got to that "perfect weight" I would buy that perfect wardrobe, land that perfect job, & eventually have & deserve that "perfect life." So here I am skipping a weigh in because I'm afraid of what that inner voice will say to me if it does not approve? So am I the expert to give Bailey or any of my clients advice for that matter?
   
       Then I realized that the answer is yes. I am worthy because I deserve to be. I can give advice because I am 100% truthful in what I say to them, & that is I struggle too. But if we listen to that inner voice that likes to doubt us, put us down, & convince us that we don't deserve to live until we "get there," (there meaning that perfect size), well then we will just watch life pass us by. So just a few years ago I started allowing myself to shop & enjoy it. Sure it would be nice to be at that perfect weight, but I actually was "there" a little over a year ago at that perfect weight & I remember thinking, "So why am I not perfectly happy yet?" Because that number is not magic, it is a shallow indicator of our inner happiness. When I have a bad joint day or even look down at my cane I walk with every day, do you think I tell myself.."Well if I was only 130Ibs this would all vanish." No..because it won't. My disease has nothing to do with my weight, nor does my weight have to do with the medicine I take for it. Therefore my weight will never cure my disease or my search for happiness when I get there.

       So what am I waiting for? In the letter Bailey told me I inspired her to be happy with herself no matter what. She also has lost weight now, but I know she did not mean just that. And that is all I had hoped for the minute I met her. Because as in me, I saw a girl who had so much to offer, was beautiful inside & out & whom I did not want to see beat herself up over weight, & in the end lose years of obsessing over it like I have. Like I said, I still struggle with it, but then I try to keep in perspective what keeps me happy. Yoga. My family. My cat. My writing. My girlfriends. My painting. Being healthy. My morning coffee. But most of all knowing that I may have helped one more woman see their beauty, & it didn't have anything to do with a scale. So my Beautiful readers, just like me & Bailey...your already there. No matter what the scale says. Namaste.

What fills your Soul with Happiness?

Me being silly by the pool with girlfriends....

My "Paris Girl" for my Art Show...unfinished.

Me...at the yoga studio..in my happy place.

Me... Just Glowing.

      Hello Loves! Happy Friday!!! I am sure most of you are out..as I am home in my yoga clothes blogging. Next Stop...shower! LOL! When I was a little girl after my Nana would bath me she'd dry me, & say to me.."Okay fresh as a daisy now!" So sweet. So today was a great day & a not so great day at work, but after yoga tonight my grumpy mood subsided...Well before I get into my day I want to say I am doing great in my 30 day yoga challenge..for the 30 classes in August! I did 12 days in a row, (started in July) but for August I have done 9 classes out of the 10 days because my work schedule usually doesn't allow me to do it Thursdays. So I'll have to double up! Anyways how do I feel? AMAZING! STRONG! HAPPY! CONFIDENT! GLOWING! Wow...yoga is like a gift that you can give to yourself. I cannot explain it. I've lost 3 pounds, & I already feel like I'm losing inches. But I am not just doing it for the weight, it's for my mind & soul as well. I am truly in love...who needs a man? Yoga is my boyfriend!
       Anyways so last week I had a lot of clients who came in frustrated with their weight being stuck & their lack of motivation. So because of my excitement over my yoga challenge & goal to lose that weight I gained this year by my 30th birthday in December, I was able to bring that excitement to all of them! I even made a "list" of all my clients who committed to the goals we set so I could follow up with them this week. I put stickers on their food journals, asked them to bring them back, sent cards, & even had one client make a "Happy List," of things she loves to do that she has put on hold due to her family's needs. I let all these amazing women know if they aren't taking care of themselves first, how can they expect to take good care of their loved ones. I asked them, "What fills your soul up besides food?" I got different answers..scrap booking, coffee with a friend, feeling confident, a bubble bath, writing...So then I asked, "How can we make time in your week to do one or two of those things for yourself?" I have always done these extra things at work with the cards & stickers but I think the clients got more motivated because they could feel my own exciting energy! The results were amazing today..they brought back their journals, two of them lost 5 pounds, one broke a plateau she had been stuck at for months, & the best was when one client said this week she gained a bit more "confidence." YAY!!! It filled my soul to help fill theirs!
       So what fills your soul? What things, places, or hobbies make you happy? Make a list, & commit to doing one a week even! Why not?! I booked my first Solo Art Show at my friend's Yoga Studio for October, & I am beyond excited! It is good for me to have a deadline because I tend to procrastinate! So Wednesday I painted just for about 2 hours, but it was something! I am working on a set of 6 paintings called, "Women of the World." Each one is a woman from a different part of the world. I did my NYC girl, & now I am working on Paris! Painting definitely fills my soul. As does my writing, yoga, hanging out with my girlfriends..even if it's laying out at the pool talking or sipping on lattes together. I went to "Pic N Save" (Big Lots) today after work before yoga. Yes I still call it "Pic n Save." LOL! Anyways I used to go there with my Mom & Nana when I was a little girl. We would always buy little cute things there. So even though I did not spend a lot, I farted around, got some snacks, candles, & just enjoyed finding little bargains. That filled my soul & it's always so nostalgic when I go there because I think of my Nana. I also want to go thrift store shopping this week. I have not been forever & I just wanna go & see what I find..hey you never know! It's the little things that can make me smile.
      So today was a harder day though because as much as I love the people in my life, for some reason today everyone kept asking me about my cane & my health, & telling me, "I hope you feel better." Which in a way left me confused because I have been feeling great! I know they care so much & I feel so blessed to have them care but sometimes I want the cane to be invisible. It gets emotionally draining seeing strangers reactions or having the same question asked over & over. Again I am grateful people care, but it gets tiring sometimes. So by the time I left work, I needed "me" time..which meant, "quite no talking time about me or my stupid cane." So after work, I shopped, went to yoga, & now I am at home relaxing & I could not be more happy being silent. I really feel I am handling this relapse so good compared to the other two because I am not surrendering to the cane, I am fighting it by going to yoga & keeping a healthy mindset. I am focusing on my dreams & goals..such as getting ready for the art show, doing the yoga challenge, & writing. I am also making a "30 Things to do before I turn 30," List which I will be posting soon because I'm only on #18 & my birthday's coming up! One is to have a solo art show so Yay! And last but not least I am surrounding myself with beautiful friends that are positive, genuine, & good for my spirit. I have reconnected with old ones, started hanging out with new ones, & pushed aside the ones who do not make an effort or bring me down. Life is too short to waste time. So my soul is filling up..with my dreams, good friends, family, God, yoga, & an inner peace I've never felt as strongly as I do now. So what are you all waiting for? Go write that "Happy List," so your soul can feel as filled as mine has been.

Yoga, Inspiration, & Dayana....

My Friend Beautiful Dayana doing what she loves....

Me & Dayana at our Favorite Little Cafe...

True Beauty inside & out.....

At My Art Show with the piece I painted after her poem....

     Hello Loves!!! Happy Saturday! I am writing tonight because tomorrow will be too hectic..in a good way though. I'm working, then yoga, & then having some girlfriends over for some yummy wine & food. So how was everyone's week? I have been thinking about different ideas for my blog, & I had an idea that once a week I'd like to write about 1 woman in my life who is an Inspiration to me somehow. I really want this blog to be about celebrating each other, inspiring each other, & just basically hoping any tips or thoughts you may get from here can help you all grow as a person. Of course I am no expert, but I write what I know & what I know is I am always a work in progress, yet I am learning from writing this blog I am growing & connecting to others more. It is filling my heart with such love & building my confidence. So THANK YOU again to all who has been reading, supporting me, & just be authentically happy for me! I appreciate ya & love ya!
     Anyways so here's my first "Inspirational Woman" for this week! Wow...Dayana...what can I say other than she is an ANGEL. Truly. I met Dayana in junior high when we were around 12 or 13. We always had a great time together, & I always thought she was the sweetest. We shared the same love for writing, & so we would go to coffee & share our poetry. I had written poems since I was 12, & up until a year ago when one of my poems got published, I had only shared my poetry with her. It was so personal, but with her I felt safe to share. There was never any judgement in her spirit, & still isn't. After high school graduation we sort of lost touch. I'd always see her at the little beauty store she worked at, & we'd say "Let's do coffee!" Finally about two years ago, after talking about it so much, we did it. Dayana had just ended a long term relationship with her ex, & that is truly when our friendship took off.
     But not only did our friendship take off after that, but she blossomed in so many ways. She became braver, stronger, happier, & well basically just grew more into herself. She had tried a hot yoga class in our town, & I had been wanting to try it as well for so long. She convinced me to go, & there we were the newbies to the class giggling nervously not knowing where yoga would take us. Yoga, Coffee Dates, Poetry sessions, & many memories later I can say she is truly one of my best friends. She is the most positive person I know, always sees the good in even the worst situations, & keeps me from being too pessimistic at times. She always gives me uplifting advice, & shows me my rainbow even in the worst of storms. She is one of the most amazing writers I know, & her poetry brings you to tears at times. She went for her dream this year & completed her masters degree in english. At one of my recent Art Shows, the theme was called, "A Novel Night," & the theme was to do a painting after your favorite writer. I immediately thought of Dayana, & her poem called, "Cafe Rialto." Which was named after our favorite little cafe we always have oatmeal & coffee after yoga every week. It was about the possibility of love at that cafe. So I painted it, & then handed it to her to keep since she was the inspiration.
     She has also not only become a full time yogi, & has transformed her body beautifully, but she nows manages one of the studios I attend. This fall she is going into teacher training to become a yoga instructor. It truly is so perfect for her because when your around her, she brings you a sense of calmness & serenity. She has showed me to love & embrace yoga & even suggested I attend teacher training someday to become an instructor....me? I have always secretly dreamed of that as a side thing, but I always felt too scattered, too hyper, too..everything. And with my autoimmune disease I can never predict how my body will feel day to day. But Dayana just sent me a kind message after saying, "I have this feeling that you should." Her words, her kindness, & her belief in me is so moving.
      I was brave enough to get back to my hot yoga a few weeks ago, & I have now done it 8 days in a row. I truly believe it is benefiting my body, strengthening my legs, easing my stress, & hopefully helping me on the road to remission. I feel so happy doing it, I feel stronger, & healthier in general. Remember that blog recently about not obsessing over my diet? Well I haven't been the last week while practicing my yoga, & I lost almost 3 pounds. So by taking care of my mental, it transcended into my physical. So I have decided for the month of August to do my own 30 Day Yoga Challenge. The goal is to do 30 classes in 30 days..or 31 since August is a bit longer...yay! I feel excited & I know Dayana will be cheering me all the way. So who's the inspiring woman in your life today? Have you told them, if not tell them. Sometimes us women are so hard on ourselves that we don't even see that to the outside world we may inspiring someone right now, by well just being us. So let's celebrate each other girls, & if you have a Dayana in your life..let her know how amazing she is. I know I've told mine.
     Here's Dayana's Amazing Blog if you get a chance friends, please check it out!
     Dayanavazquez,blogspot.com

Can't take that away....

"If you have peace within yourself, nobody can touch you, no matter  what happens."-Mariah Carey

Hi Loves, How is everyone doing? I hope good! I have had a lot of blog ideas lately, & sometimes I do what I had planned but then once I get in front of my laptop I just do what comes to mind, & what I am feeling strongly about at the moment in hopes that somehow someone reading it will too relate & or feel inspired as well. You know the whole reason I started this blog was really not for myself because I have kept a journal since I was 12 years old, so that's something I do already for me. It clears my head, releases my worries, & heals my soul. My journal has been the one place where I can share my most inner thoughts, & will have no judgement or criticism thrown my way. I think of it as writing letters to God, & it truly is a spiritual way of praying for me without leaving my house. I started this blog to share pieces of myself hoping the person on the other side of the screen reading it may feel inspired or not so alone in someway. I am not perfect, am a work in progress, & yet I try to see that as the beauty in this blog because we all go through the same things & feelings sometimes.
      Ever since I was a little girl I always struggled with pleasing people. I wanted to be everyone's friend & would do almost anything to avoid disapproval from not only from my family & friends, but also from strangers. I needed them to like me, accept me, & be satisfied with me & my choices. Lately I am seeing that time after time I keep getting disappointed by people's reactions to some decisions & risks I have been taking. Risks meaning going for certain dreams I have kept deep inside me, risks meaning following passions that make me happy, & risks that bring me out of my comfort zone because of feeling afraid of well..feeling uncomfortable. Uncomfortable how? By feeling disapproved of, feeling judged, or feeling that people will think, "Who does she think she is," type reactions. Because if I stay the same old Janene who is so worried about what people think & who is afraid to show a glimmer of confidence, people may mistake me for conceited. So if I stay the same, then everything will stay safe in my world. And in a way, their world too.
     Some people, well a lot of people whom I have had in my life have always been genuinely happy for me & wanting the best for me. Yet as we get older, sometimes we sees cracks in the authenticity of some. And that is truly heartbreaking. Aren't the ones closest to you supposed to be your biggest cheerleaders? I am finally realizing that whether some support may seem real & some may seem fake, does it really matter? No. Not at all, because the things & opinions that truly only matter are the ones you hear from yourself & when you look in the mirror. We all have our inner voice, our "Subconscious," as Freud would say. It is our voice of reason, our biggest cheerleader, & yet sometimes can be our worst enemy. So it got me thinking, I am already so overly critical of myself let alone worrying about what others think..so why should I?
     I realized that in keeping this blog what I want it to be, which is hopefully inspiring & someway empowering, then it needs to be just that. This is me & who I truly am. So I will continue to be truthful, uncensored, raw, & well be myself whether that makes others uncomfortable or not. I realized I'm going to need to get tougher skin because not everybody is going to like what I say or do, & I need to learn to be okay with that. But here's the thing too, I will always be a little bit sensitive & that's okay, it is who I am. Yet I also need to try & "free myself of these obsessions of trying to please them all, not be a threat because I am going out of my comfort box, & basically not be afraid to just live for me." With the true ones, it won't matter anyways because I never really had to worry. They will celebrate me as I would for them. Because in life, there is room for everyone to be happy, to be successful, & to just believe in themselves. And at this point, I only have room & time in my life for the ones that do. So my sweet friends, go for it, love yourself, & most of all believe in yourself because if you don't then who will? As my Idol Mariah Carey sings in one of my favorite songs from her,"Can't take that away," she says...

Mariah Carey-My Hero since i was a little girl....

                     
They can say anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down, but I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Lord, they do try, hard to make me feel that I don't matter at all,
Don't matter at all, but I refuse to falter,
In what I believe, or lose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me, that shines brightly,
THEY CAN TRY BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME...