Eating Intuitively My Way...

      Hi Loves...I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is in less than a week. This year is practically over, and two weeks from today I'll be a year older! YIKES! Just kidding I actually love being in my thirties and am ready for a new year. This year has had it's up's and as well has it had it's downs too. I am at my heaviest (gosh I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately and I have been, yet nothing is changing with my weight.) I stopped gluten for my autoimmune diseases, but even that wasn't helping because I was still able to overeat those yummy gluten free cookies...Lol! Just like a drug addict, us food addicts always find a way...or a donut. Lol!
        So for those of you who follow my Instagram @selfloveinalatte you may have seen that I had mentioned last week that I was doing "Intuitive Eating," which is actually a based on a book that I have yet to read but I just ordered it because I am really interested in it. It is basically about how to stop obsessing over calories and dieting so that way you can just listen to your inner intuition. To just eat when your hungry, and stop when your full. In theory, it sounded amazing and so freeing! And it was; for the first few days.
     Let me explain something; when you've been obsessed with counting calories, dieting, binging, and then restricting once again your whole life, it's hard not to go crazy. It is scary to trust your owm intuition of when you are truly hungry or just need a fix. But I love the concept, but I just think it is something that'll take time. By day 5 I had gained nearly two pounds of listening to my intuntion. Yet I knew that wasn't my true inner voice speaking, it was my emotional wounds taking over. And that's where I'm going to really learn how to trust myself around food. It won't happen overnight, but I know it's going to be worth it.
       After so many years of feeling consumed by my weight, and using food as an emotional bandaid, it can wear you down. If you struggle with binge eating or even emotional eating, you know what I'm talking about. So I still am eating intuitively now, but within reason. I'm food journaling again because I just feel better knowing what's going into my body. The other day I made a yummy detox water out of mint leaves , lemon, and cucumber that is super refreshing. I am also giving my body what it craves, like this morning I wanted pancakes. So I made chocolate protein pancakes with egg whites, almond milk, half a banana. And some chocolate protein powder. They were so good and filling. So I made another batch for lunch.. Because why not? I also went to the farmer's market today, got some beautiful produce and precut everything for the week. I already am starting to feel better, as well as calmer. The key is to stop overanalyzing everything and just start living life. Eating to live, not living to eat. I'm not saying I'm cured from my addiction of dieting and food obsession, but I'm on the path of true peace within my choices of food, body, and mind. I hope you all are too.

TRUE LOVE...The Lessons

       Hi Loves! Hope you're all having a great week! So I'm sure most of you have seen or may have heard that Jennifer Lopez recently released a book called, "True Love." My cousin asked me if I wanted to read it than face time about it afterwards kind of like a mini book club. I've always loved Jennifer Lopez so I immediately went out and purchased the book. I read it within two days. It was a light easy read broken up with beautiful photos of her life, as well as inspiring quotes. Her main message in the book was that in order to have a healthy genuine love with someone, you first have to love yourself. She repeated this a lot which at first to me seemed a bit repetitive but than I realized this; loving yourself and staying positive is like building a muscle and it has to be worked on daily in order to maintain it. Here are some pieces of the book that really stuck a personal cord for me that hopefully you can relate to as well.

"In the end, the truth finds a way to surface, even if you don't want it to" ~
When I think about all my past relationships, this quote couldn't be truer. We've all been there! Where you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because all the red flags of that relationship are coming to a head. You can't deny it, whether you're being treated bad or you just don't feel it~you know it. One of my year long relationships when I was about 26, I was with the sweetest most caring guy, but I just didn't love him as much as he loved me, which was odd because all my life I always felt it was the other way around. But this time I knew it wasn't right, after planning on breaking up with him one night I drank lots of wine at dinner and the more buzzed I was the crazier my idea of dumping him was so I stayed over as I usually did. Yet when I woke up in the morning my buzz was gone, and I couldn't pretend anymore. And there it was; that pit in my stomach again. I knew what I had to do. 

"The only way you can be mistreated is by allowing yourself to be mistreated"~
This is such a simple concept, but there are so many women that still have a hard time following it. The one relationship that stands out to me in this was one of my exes who was right before the previous one I had just spoken about who treated me amazing. Well this relationship at 24 could not have been anymore the opposite. At first, he was charming and swept me off my feet but that didn't last long. He was completely verbally abusive, yet it wasn't in the yelling at me or cursing at me way; it was more so in the subtle sneaky way. He'd try to make me look stupid in front of others, such as waiters or other pretty females in my presence and things like that. Slowly but surely all of his snide remarks started to chip at my self-esteem. I finally walked away for good and it took a while to recover afterwards, the side effects of dating a narcissist definitely took it's toll. I finally had to realize it would only continue if I allowed it too.

"Sometimes you have to explore the darkness to get to the light and get back to who you are" ~
Oh heartache, I'd like to tell you that it gets easier but usually it doesn't. Especially if you love with all your heart and are all or nothing like I am, and as I read JLo is too. I think what does get better as you go through each breakup, you do realize that you will get through it because you've gotten through them before. Last summer when my boyfriend broke up with me, I was devastated. I was 30 years old and had placed so much hope that he could be the one. But I got through it, and the way I did that was to just feel the pain, accept it, and so that that way I was then able to move on. 

"When you give your time, your love, your respect, you deserve respect in return. You deserve comfort, you deserve honesty, and you deserve to feel safe" ~
This is it, this is the key, the answer to the road to "True Love." In a solid relationship, there should be a comfort in being able to fully be yourself and most importantly to feel safe. I don't mean safe in the way where your love will beat up someone for you either. I'm talking about the safety of knowing that you are in a healthy and secure relationship where you aren't afraid of letting them see every piece of you because you know they'll accept your flaws and all. If you have to question any of the above then it's time to let go. And I promise you that you'll find it in someone if you aren't getting it in your current situation. Last August, barely two months after my breakup I reconnected with my childhood guy best friend. We never had dated growing up but I always felt a safeness and comfort with him. Now were madly in love and it is truly the easiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I'll be 32 in a few weeks and I finally feel like I've gotten it right. 
    So there are some of the inspiring quotes from JLo's new book! It got me thinking about my love life and how far I've come. But I couldn't have gotten there without going through the other relationships I was in before. As well as finding that inner love for myself as well; cause we all deserve TRUE LOVE!

Unconditional Love...

       Hi Loves! Happy Thursday... Hope you're all having a great day! So for those of you who follow my Instagram @selfloveinalatte or my Facebook page, you may have seen we got a new puppy we named Walter Herbert on Monday. He's an Olde English Bulldog and the cutest thing ever! I personally have always been a cat person, but being out here in Hawaii has gotten lonely at times so we figured it was the best thing. I'm on day 4 and luckily he's napping, oh wait he's up! LOL. It's like having a newborn I assume, haha. No I'm not a Mom and I know a puppy isn't half as hard, but it has reminded me of one important thing in life that sometimes we all take for granted; unconditional love. 
       In the past few days I've gotten close to no sleep, been spit up on, peed on, cleaned up poop, and attended to a crying puppy looking scared as he wakes up when I'm not near by. As exhausting as its been, it has been so fulfilling. And it reminded me of when you love something or someone so much, you just LOVE. Obviously a pet is easier than a person, but it all means the same thing at the end of the day. Pets love us no matter who we are, what we look like, and they don't care if we have put on weight, or whatever it be. They love us for our soul.  
     As I looked at my puppy in my boyfriend's arms, it filled my heart because his love is the most unconditional I've ever known. Just as my parents has been, finding a partner who loves you and all of you is the best gift you can give to yourself. Some people don't believe it it can happen to them, or they just have settled in a relationship where they aren't offered unconditional love, yet it doesn't have to be that way. Just like we can control our perspective, we also can control who we allow to love us. And we shouldn't sell ourselves short. Unconditional love can be different for everyone, but I think at the end of day you just want someone to love all of you. Your off days, your silly habits, your bad moods, and you basically just have a certain calmness when you're around that person. You can be yourself in a way you never even realized could be possible . I know at 31, I only accept this kind of love.
      It took me a while to get there though. You have to believe that you deserve it, and don't expect anything less. I have had past boyfriends tell me I was too much of this or too little of that, but now that I'm with my current love he accepts all of me, but also has helped me grow as a person. He helps me realize when I'm being unfair, and fix it. That's when you know someone brings out the best version of you. Not trying to change you, but helping you better yourself when you're ready. This also doesn't just apply to romantic relationships too, it applies to other relationships. If you feel you have to walk on eggshells around someone, and can't really be yourself then it may be time to say goodbye. Also try to approach your own relationships with an unconditional approach as well. Try to understand where that person is coming from instead of judging, but also set healthy boundaries. Because if you can't love them unconditionally, someone else will. Same with the fact of if someone else won't love you unconditional too, then move on because someone else will. We only live once and love is the most important thing in this world. Thanks to my puppy for reminding me how important it really is too.

Live your life despite....

      Hi Loves & Happy Tuesday! I hope you all had a great weekend and are so far having a good week! So the last time we spoke I had just started my gluten free journey. I did a lot much more research over the course of the week, and each article confirmed even more than the last how important it is to be gluten free when you have Hashimoto's Disease. It hasn't been hard because I did it for about 5 months last year and so I know what to expect. During this time in my life, I'm just really trying to embrace and soak up Hawaii as well as the luxury of having free time. Even though I am trying to get healthy again and lose this darn weight, I'm making an effort to still live my life despite being heavier. 
       I always lived in the "When I get there" mentality, meaning landing that perfect boyfriend, perfect job, or that perfect weight then I'll allow myself to really live and be happy. Not no more, because in doing that for so many years I realized I wasted so many opportunities for great memories. When I was at a  heavier weight, years back, for example I wouldn't do as many fun things or put off buying cute clothes because of my bigger size. But here I am at 31, being the heaviest I've been in a long time but it is what it is! I refuse to not live my life to the fullest because of a bigger jeans size. I will live my life despite what my inner critic aka: the ego says to me. i 'm working hard to get back to good health, and that doesn't mean becoming a hermit because of it.
      This weekend was so carefree and I just enjoyed every second of it. I think it really is all about balance. So for example, Saturday we went to North Shore and I had a coconut water, gluten free pizza, salad, a glass of wine, and ended the night with some light fish. Sunday we went to the beach, I brought my almonds and an apple to snack on....and even gasp; bought a new bikini! The old me would tell myself I didn't deserve to buy one until I lost more weight, but I now vow to live my life despite what the scale says, or whatever issue I led myself to believe was bigger than it really was. And you should do the same! Do what makes you happy, despite what someone says about you, despite your insecurities, and despite your inner voice critic! Because honestly at the end of the day, life will pass you by. And were here to live a life beyond our wildest dreams, despite the occasional nightmares. We are here to LOVE OURSELVES!

Know when to Surrender.....

      Hi Loves! Can you believe it's almost Friday already? This week flew by! I hope you're all having a great week! So Monday when I blogged I was talking a lot about body love and trying to just go easier on myself with my thyroid and weight gain. I started at a hot yoga studio that day which offers bikram, along with other classes. I personally love bikram since its repetitive, ( I don't like change) and it's really easy on my wrists. Anyways it felt amazing to be back in a studio, and surrounded by like minded people.
        So even though I'm trying not to obsess over my weight, I still am trying to be aware and mindful, so I weighed yesterday since it had been a week but was up two pounds! I couldn't believe it, because even though I had splurged Saturday I had gotten right back on track! Not only was my weight not moving the right way, but also I have been feeling super bloated and swollen. So this morning I woke up on a mission, and I started researching more and more over the right way to eat when you have hypothyroid aka: Hashimoto's Disease. I actually found way more helpful information on Pinterest, than google.
        What I found was a lot. I guess in a way I knew certain foods that weren't good for patients with autoimmune diseases, but what I didn't realize was that these foods truly can work against our bodies. Despite wanting to lose the weight I've gained, I mostly want my body to have a chance to just be at its healthiest. And how can I expect that if I'm living in denial? Foods that are on the no no list are things such as gluten, soy, sugar, certain veggies and fruits that are high-gylcemic; the list goes on! I've given up gluten before, so that won't be as hard, but as far as the other stuff I'll have to take it one day at a time. 
        Today I weighed again hoping yesterday's weight gain was a fluke, but it wasn't. In fact I was up even more! But I didn't get upset truthfully, I took a deep breath, had some hot lemon water and researched about my new life changes. I was really sore from all the yoga this week, but went anyways because it's like a gift I'm giving to myself. And during class I was in a pose when the teacher said something that really struck a cord. She said, "Know the difference between when to give effort and when to just surrender." I thought that was so profound because it hit me that sometimes in life when you've put in so much effort into something, and yet nothings changing, than it is probably time to just surrender. Surrender to what will be, instead of what you want it to be. And I'm not just talking about weight here, that applies to really anything in life. So within this big health change, I'm choosing to surrender to what my body needs to be healthy. And not so much as what I think it needs. I guess in life, you just gotta know when to let go, give it to your higher power, and know that what is meant to be will be. Just know that sometimes what is meant to be isn't always what was in the plan, it may seem like a more complicated path, but sometimes the more complicated the better the end result. So just surrender and listen to your intuition.

Body Love...

      Good Morning Loves and Happy Monday! I hope you all had a great weekend! So this past weekend was pretty eye opening, in a sense where I really had to look within myself and admit the reasoning of why I have been fighting with depression again. I have struggled with it on and off throughout the years, and it has reared it's ugly head once more.  I know the biggest culprit for it has been my 25 pound weight gain over the past year. I fell in love last summer, so naturally started eating out a ton with him which didn't help, but the main reason for it was being diagnosed with Hashimototo's  Disease, aka: Hypothyroidism.
      After moving to Hawaii this past August, I really fell into bad habits by using food as a comfort because I was in a state only knowing my boyfriend. But about 6 weeks ago, I said enough was enough I have to get this weight off. My clothes didn't fit, I felt sluggish, and I knew that using "food" as a crutch was not healthy because I've done it before. The scale has not been kind though, and I have a feeling my thyroid medicine needs adjustment; but aside from that I realized my mindset needs adjusting more than anything.
       Saturday we ended up going to lunch to eat off of  Hawaii's well known shrimp trucks with some of my boyfriend's buddies, but it turned into a whole day of eating. I decided to let myself just enjoy all the interesting new treats my new state had to offer; garlic shrimp, a fried banana, a apple pastry from Ted's Bakery, and finally some shaved ice. By the time we got home I started to feel guilty. I had portioned everything that day, yet my ego said, "well you screwed up your eating today so keep going." But why do we do this and punish ourselves with more food?
     That night after tons of self-loathing, I had a mini meltdown to my bf about my self-hate for all the weight I had gained, which with my hypothyroidism it wasn't even fully in my control. Either way, I knew that I had to face the fact that I was not in a place of self-love, but a place of shame within myself. Then it hit me that it was OKAY. Being thinner last summer didn't fix my problems, so why was I putting so much emphasis on getting thin again? What I needed was a mind change, to start to get back a healthy attitude over my weight and my body. To use food to nourish it, and not abuse it.
     After lots of tears, and a long talk with my bf, (who is truly my best friend) I realized that this weight will come off either way. But what won't come is these moments again. I live in paradise, and I refuse to hold myself prisoner to my body obsession. I still plan to lose those 25 pounds, but in a healthy approach. As well as experiencing a fun and adventurous time in Hawaii. I need to wake up and see what amazing gifts I have in front of me, and that means nature. There are so many beautiful hikes here in this place that I have yet to experience! So if your in the same place as me, wanting to make a change in your body, let's focus on changing our mindsets first. Let's do things to help nourish our souls, so that we don't have to use food to diet obsession to do that. So today loves...let's start to make a conscious effort to becoming self aware of what our body and mind needs. To just eat to live, and not live to eat. To just love our bodies NOW for what they can do instead of what we see in the mirror. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. I'll be here with you guys along the way!

Everybody's got something to give...

      Hello Loves, how have you all been? It has been nearly two weeks since I've blogged and for those of you who follow me on instagram may saw I stepped on and cracked the screen to my laptop! Note to self; don't put your laptop on the ground. Anyways for now I'm using my lil ipad, not as easy but I couldn't go another week without blogging. Which brings me to the title of today's post, "Everybody's got something to give." And I fully believe that we do.
      You see, as children we're conditioned to go to school, pick our major, and get the career that applies to that major. But what if you have something else to give? What if that something isn't in your college catalog?  Do you just sweep it to the side and forget about it, because it's outcome isn't as promising as the career you went to school for is? Well banish that thought, because here's the thing; we all have a certain talent or talents within us that are meant to be shared. This isn't to say that going to school for a career is the wrong way, because let's say you love to help people so you go to school to become a nurse. Good for you, do it fully with passion! I'm talking about those little hidden dreams that you tucked away because you were told they had no promise.
      Well don't buy into those dream crushing thoughts, because no matter what anyone has told you about your dreams, it isn't their duty to tell you they aren't tangible. It's your job to figure out what your talent is and use it as best you can! The world is waiting to feel inspired by you. I promise we all have something magical to give....think of it as you sharing your gold with the world. Even if you decide not to pursue it as a career, don't abandon it because it doesn't benefit your bank account, use it to benefit your soul!

A Little Bit Of Perspective....

Grateful for those calm moments where everything is as it should be...

      Hey Loves...Happy Tuesday! I know...not the most exciting day of the week, but are you healthy, have a job, have a home, etc.? Then see, things are already better! It's really just all in our perspective. So many things happen around us and to us, and it's our responsibility to decide how we react to them. I know for a fact that I've always been one to react too quickly, say things before I think, and at worst make assumptions of things being worse than they are. Ever do that? It's so much easier to go to that negative place than the positive. It really does take effort to be positive and truly feel happy. But being here in Hawaii has truly inspired me to become the best version of myself possible. As humans we are always improving and growing, because if we aren't than we'll just feel stuck which leads to unhappiness. Do you feel stuck in unhappiness right now? Well let's change that!
      So how am I attempting to become this better version of myself who lives a richer life? By going out of my comfort zone and honestly just not giving a F**k what people think or say. You see in life, there will always be the ones who try to keep you exactly where you are. And if you're a chronic people pleaser like me, than this isn't easy at all. So take it day by day, goal by goal, and so on. Act like you're in rehab for people pleasing...and try to just please yourself. YOU know what is right for you. YOU know what fills your soul. We have to give up the old, to allow for the new and for the better. And yes that means working on our psyche as well.
      Let's be real, nobody likes to admit they're envious of someone else, or even a Debbie Downer. It feels shameful and that's never a good feeling. But think of it as a sign to change! When you start feeling that green eyed monster rear it's ugly head, turn it around. Ask yourself, "How can I accomplish what that person has?" And try to take those steps, but put your own spin on it. If you're being super negative, then asks yourself how that is adding to your life? In fact, you may realize it's taking away precious time instead. It may seem easy on the outside for me, because I'm living in this beautiful place, but remember I'm also on an island with JUST my boyfriend. LOL! No family, no girlfriends, no cat, and everything is unfamiliar. It's hard, but so was being back in California with everyone else, while my love was here working. So you see, I could complain either way and I did for a while but than I woke up. I started keeping a list of 5 things I was grateful for each day. I'm trying harder to point out what's positive in a negative situation. I'm also filling my soul and life up with things that make me smile, and make me feel accomplished, like exercising most days of the week. Also don't take things so seriously. Me and my bf fight like every other couple, but laughing certain things off saves a lot of headache.
       So moral of this post? Just relax, smile, pray, and shake things off. If someone is in a bad mood around you, don't get defensive; just give them space. Life can be wasted complaining (believe me I was and still have to check myself on this!) or life can be spent on enjoying even the smallest things. Try to look at life as a kid again...wide eyed and full of possibilities! Get new hobbies or revisit those things that you used to love. Have faith and stop procrastinating on your goals. Time will pass either way. Watch and read things about uplifting stories of people that maybe were in the same situation you once were, but fled free. A lot of those people's situation didn't change, it was just how they saw those situations in a new light. I could of kept on moping around here missing everyone back home, but what good would that do? So I embraced it, and started thinking differently. Come on let's change our perspectives! Why? Because there is no reason not too.

The most beautiful beach by our house...look around & explore nature!

Finding little treasures makes me realize you don't need to spend a bunch of money when treating yourself. Found these books at a $1 bookstore yesterday, as well as these adorable coffee mugs!

Beauties on a Budget....

      Hi Loves...it's almost Friday! Are you guys excited? So I know I have been raving on and on about my recent beauty finds lately...but I'm just so excited! So here's the thing. I will be 32 at the end of the year and as much as I have prided myself on not having to wear coverage like foundation or powder all these years I'm realizing....times are changing. LOL! The thought though of wearing a heavy foundation intimidated me..I didn't even know where to start or what brand. I had been watching Beauty Youtuber Teni Panosian and was getting ideas on how this full coverage thing works. She is amazing btw, if you haven't checked her out yet! Super informative makeup tutorials!
      So I ran into her video on drugstore makeup, and if I recall I believe she has more than one. So I took notes, and started feeling excited and confident that I could do this without having to go somewhere like MAC where half the time the girls there are so snotty that they don't even acknowledge you. (Sorry..lol)  Then I started pulling up other "Drugstore Hauls," they call them; basically where these Beauty Bloggers try and tell you what cheaper brands that are just as good as the pricey stuff. I started to see a pattern too of certain brands and products that kept getting brought up. So I jumped in my car and went on a mission! Here's what I got....

1st Drugstore Haul.....

1. "STAY MATTE" PRIMER by RIMMEL-So I got a primer for under my skin. I only ever knew of eye shadow primer (I know I have been living under a rock..LOL!)  I found it to be very light and it really did the trick to cover my pores and give my skin a silky feel. About $8! 
2. "FIT ME" Foundation by Maybelline-This was recommended by Beauty Blogger Teni Panosian and she raved about it not feeling too heavy as a foundation. It has sunscreen SPF 18 which is great! It made my skin look flawless, but again I don't think foundation is for me everyday. However, if your a foundation gal, try this stuff! About $10!
3. "Sun 'n' Bronze" by NYC-I got this color in "Fire Island Tan," and I was disappointed. It went on so light and was not noticeable at all. About $3!
4. "Copper Excess" Eyeshadow by MILANI-Love this shadow! It was a bronzy gold (I'm wearing it in my pics on this post) and it had a lot of pigment. Great for the daytime. About $5!
5. "Master Glaze" Blush Stick by Maybelline-I cannot rave enough about this cream blush stick! It gave me such a glow, stayed on all night when we went out, and just made me feel super girly! The color I got was "Pinched Pink." About $8!
6. "Rapid Wrinkle Repair" Serum by Neutogena-I LOVE this stuff! It hasn't even been a week and I put it on every night and I literally can FEEL it working! I believe Teni recommended this one too. I have never personally worn a serum, in fact I wasn't even sure what it was for! Well on the box, it says it reduces wrinkles that are deeper than what the typical moisturizer can do, it brightens skin, and you just feel like your skin is drinking it up! This one was about $24 dollars which was a little pricy but it is SO worth it!
7. "Positively Radiant" Tinted Moisturizer by Aveeno-OMG! OMG! OMG! This I actually just googled "drugstore tinted moisturizer because I wasn't sure on what to pick. I had tried the "Laura Mercier" one years ago, and loved it but my skin didn't react well to it. THIS ONE though is amazing! Even my boyfriend told me I was glowing and loved it over my usual heavy blush or bronzer...LOL! It's oil-free with SPF 30, and does it's job of evening skin tone, taking away dullness, but overall just making your skin look and feel hydrated and AMAZING! Only $15!
8. "Facial Clay Mask" Avocado & Oatmeal by Freeman-I loved this lil mask, I felt it was cooling and felt refreshing the minute I put it on! It has vitamin E in it and gets to the dirt deep within the pores. These mask are always fun to try cause they're so cheap too! About $3!

      So there you have it...I hope these great finds help you girls be able to be a "Beauty on a Budget!" Because why shouldn't you be?! I know I promised my skin regime, as well as the second drugstore haul I went on this past week but it would have been way too long of post so I'll be doing another beauty one shortly. Just remember nobody can tell you what looks good on you, so don't force it. Makeup is about trial and error! It should be fun and carefree...just as life!

LOVE this cream blush!

Me with the full primer and foundation look....

The AMAZING Aveeno  Tinted Moisturizer!

PS: Men will never get it...hahaha



An Attitude of Gratitude...

 

Grateful for yummy coffee, as well as "ME" time....

      Good Morning Loves! Happy Monday! I hope that you are all having a good day so far...I meant to write this post last night on gratitude, but by the end of the day my brain was a little fried so I decided to put it off till my thinking was more clearer. So I have been living in Hawaii a little over a month now, and I finally feel like myself again. You see, when I first arrived here I was excited to start a new life with my love...but after that first week it hit me; this truly was a challenge going out of my comfort zone. I broke down, and I fell a little bit into a dark place because my boyfriend would go to work and I'd be at home all day alone. Everything familiar was no more. My parent's house wasn't five minutes away where I could just drop in. My friends weren't a coffee date away. I couldn't just get up and drive to wherever I wanted because well...I didn't have a car yet. But after a few meltdowns, feeling sorry for myself, and sleeping way too much during the day to pass the long hours until my boyfriend got home I finally realized I had to snap out of it!

      I can't say what triggered it, but I just realized how good I really do have it. I have an amazing man who works hard everyday for us, and I am living in Paradise; literally. But that just goes to show you that it isn't outside things that bring us peace, it truly is within ourselves. And truth is there were things in my life that I wasn't happy with, but I was letting those things override all the beauty in my current situation. So I made a list. First, I wrote the things I wasn't happy with...

1. My weight gain over the past year, and most recently in the past few months.
2. Not having a car and feeling trapped.
3. Being lonely and missing my family, friends, and cat.
4. Lastly, feeling lost in a sense of having all this free time, yet not quite feeling motivated to start working on my career goals due to still feeling rejected after I was laid off back in June.

So I asked myself, how can I get out of this? Simple...try to make little changes daily to fix them. How? By being grateful for what I ALREADY had and use those resources to better everything.

1. My weight-I realized I could sit and wallow over this weight, or be grateful that this was my body's way of asking me to bounce back and tackle the true reason for my weight gain. Sure I could blame it all on my earlier diagnosis of thyroid disease this year, but truly I knew that I also use food to cope and maybe at 31 this was the final time in beating my dependence on it as a coping mechanism.
2. No Car-I didn't want my bf to spend money yet on one for me, because I thought I should wait until my Dad had sold my car back home so we weren't spending more money than we truly needed too. Yet he was offering me a car and so I realized how lucky I was to even have such an option.
3. Feeling lonely-This was truly in my hands, because when I get down on myself, I tend to push people away. So I realized that I was making this worse. So I started making more of an effort to face time, call, text, and send letters to loved ones. In turn, people reciprocated.
4. Feeling lost-Last, but not least I took back my power of letting the rejection of losing my job control me. After all, I had planned on leaving anyways to move here to Hawaii. And now that I have time to really focus on my writing and taking my time to follow my goals I need to utilize it! So I started watching and researching other bloggers that inspired me and it gave me that zest again that I was missing.

Slowly but surely, over the past two weeks I have started to gain perspective and realize how lucky I am. There is so much to be grateful for and the key is to stop focusing on what you are lacking, and focus on what you already have gained. So today I am starting in my journal

The space I made in my journal for my gratitude list each day.

a "30 Day Gratitude List." Everyday I am going to write 5 things in it that am grateful for. I challenge you all to join in on it with me. Even if you're going through really hard times with your finances, your health, and so on; there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. You may not see it now, but you will. So today start your day with saying, "Thank-you."

 

Hello Again....

A New Kind of Latte...

   Well hello again...welcome to my revamped blog! Gosh, it has been so long since I last blogged & I missed it so. As you can see, I changed things up a bit to give it a little makeover, since life has changed for me as well. Thank you so much for hanging in there as I took a break to gather my thoughts & ideas of what new direction I wanted to go for this blog. I shared a lot about my life and about certain subjects such as my health issues, happy moments, personal feelings, and things of that nature. I did always receive a ton of sweet emails and comments of other women telling me that they related to me, which was the BEST part. And I thank you for that!

   So why did I stop for so long? Honestly...I don't know, there were a few reasons I guess. I felt like I was in deep in terms of being so open and raw about my life, and because of that I felt a little judged. Some couldn't understand why I would want to share so much of myself with people

I didn't know. So I felt myself wanting to filter things so much that I not only erased all of my past posts on instagram that I put so much of my heart into, but I stopped blogging all together. I had built a community of inspiration between fellow instagram followers, as well as my blog followers over the past few years, and within many clicks of the "delete" button, everything was gone. It made me sad after the fact because I didn't listen to my inner gut to not be afraid to just be me. Meaning, writing without worrying about what people thought or did not understand about blogging and how helpful it can be to those who read it.

    I have always overshared, it is who I am. Whether it be through writing or talking, I at times forget not everyone is comfortable with that. But that's okay, because I am not them and they are not me. So here I am, well in a way starting over. I hope that I can gain your trust in my writing again, because truth is I lost trust in my own writing. That it wasn't inspiring enough, too much, or worst of all not enough. Truth is, we are all ENOUGH and at times need to be reminded of that. I am the same Janene, but a little more grown up. Lots of things have happened in the last nine months and I can't wait to start sharing with you all! Thanks for believing in me, and I'll never stop believing in you guys!

   So if your new to my blog, just a quick overview of who I am. I'm a 30-something year old California gal who just recently moved to the beautiful island of Hawaii with my love. I never have had my own place, let alone my own kitchen! Which is so exciting, because I have been on a mission to learn to cook! Scary....I know. LOL! I love yoga and running, and am contemplating taking teacher training for yoga. What scares me a little about that is because of my two autoimmune diseases and my body being so unpredictable at times. But where there's a will, there's a way. I graduated last summer with my AA in liberal arts, and plan to go back to get my BA in English. Sometimes I don't have the best grammar, so please no judgment...haha. I really didn't know for the longest time what I want to be when I grew up, but as of now I would say a writer.  So I'm just going to keep writing for now. We'll see where it takes me. Life is so full of possibilities and I feel like at 31, I'm just beginning.

Just Me! Don't mind the beanie, growing my hair out ;)

The beautiful view from our new porch...I feel blessed everyday.

What you waiting for?

Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares 'cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance 'cause you might grow
Oh, oh oh

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for?!
Tick tock, Tick Tock...
     
       Awwww....that song. Those lyrics. I had gotten this idea to title one of my blog post this after hearing Gwen Stefani's song, "What you waiting for?" running to it on the treadmill a while ago. For the first time, having listening to it a million times, finally at 30 years old, it spoke to me. Yet now, at 31 years old it is screaming at me. What are we really waiting for anyways? To be the greatest we can be, to love fully without hesitation, to wear that outfit we keep trying to get "skinnier" for, to speak up, & to basically to just live life fearlessly.
       Happy New Years Loves! Can you believe it is already 2014? Insane how the year flew by! 2013 was truly one of my best years I have had in a while...after nearly two years of depression & health issues up until then..I was breaking emotionally. Then finally, something drastically changed; me & my perspective. So what did I learn from this past year in changing those things? Well I learned to...

1. Be Bold in following your Dreams! I was always so scared of even attempting to go for my dreams because at first I thought that getting disappointed from failing would be worse than not trying at all. Because if I did not try, at least I would not be disappointed if my dreams were rejected. Yet now I realize that if you do take a chance and succeed, oh wow...what a beautiful thing. This year I finally achieved my dream of having my very own solo art show...and I sold many pieces. It really built my confidence to believe in my creative outlets. So just try it! What do you truly have to lose? The only loss in you not following you dreams is throwing away a talent that was placed in your soul by God...or your Higher Power. Dreams are above us, they are a fire that ignites within us. So what are you waiting for; Be Bold!
2. Dump that Bad Body Image Inner Dialogue! You know that other voice in your head? The one that tells you that you should not eat that & that you are not thin enough? Dump her! Sure..it is great to have weight loss goals to improve your health & boost your confidence. But here is a secret I learned this year...you must love yourself NOW because getting to a certain number on the scale shouldn't dictate your confidence or happiness. What does boosts your confidence I believe while losing weight is the dedication in waking up to get that early morning run in when you just want to press snooze again. What boosts your confidence is that you are treating your body as a temple, so therefore as a nice car that needs good gas, you are as well putting good fuel into your body. So quit thinking that in hating your body, it will help you love it more. Because it won't. Say nice things to yourself. Think of your body as a little child that you need to nourish with love and beautiful words so that it can blossom. I have struggled so much in this category, and I think for all women it will be a challenge. But practice makes perfect. So what you waiting for...keep practicing on loving your body! No matter what size! 
3. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken...because you will get through it. I was lucky enough to fall in love twice this past year, which was a lot seeing that I had not been in a serious relationship in nearly 3 years. I was with my ex E from the beginning of January till memorial day. Needless to say, getting dumped was not the way I imagined starting my summer. Our breakup hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. And in turn I was, yet that forced me to dig up the one best friend whom I knew would always be there; myself. I made a vow that I would have a theme song to help me get through it, and so I did. It was Sarah Bareille's song, "Gonna get over you." I played it everyday rain or shine, tears or no tears. The lyrics gave me such power..."Goodbye" is the first word of the song. I ran a lot, I wrote, I cried, I sipped wine...although I did immediately erase his number so there would be no drunk texting! LOL...that is my #1 tip...haha! And honestly I just lived. And dated, which yes made me miss my ex even more, so I realized I still wasn't ready. But it made for some funny stories to tell later. So what you waiting for...move on from that dead end relationship or breakup. Be grateful for the good that your ex brought you, & leave the negative stuff behind. I promise you that what you find on the other side will be way better than you could have imagined. 
4. Know that when Love is right...it isn't always easy, but it will always build you up, & not knock you down. Shortly after my breakup, 2 months to be exact..I reconnected with my childhood best guy friend D. We had always been friends, which was something that I had lacked in almost all of my previous relationships. You have to have that solid foundation to truly make things work. The guy you're with should bring out the best in you & love you so much that their love spills onto you, & your self-acceptance. If the one you're with makes you feel belittled in any way, intimidates you, embarrasses you in front of others, than he is not the one for you. D will point out to me if I am being a brat, but it is in a loving way that helps me become a better person. It is always in my best interest. Love is truly a beautiful thing when it flows, but there will be challenging times as well. Me & D now live together, which can be hard, & is so foreign to me..but it is all so worth it because we are building a life together. So what are you waiting for...go find that great love of yours! 
5. Last, but not least create a "Vision Board," & plan to make your visions a reality! I was not a big believer in this whole "Vision Board" idea I had heard from Author Gabrielle Bernstein in early 2013. But I figured, "What do I have to lose?" So I made it...I had cut out pieces of the word, "Job Interview," because after nearly 10 years of being at my dead end job, I was praying to get brave enough to move on. And in July, I found that new job. I had put images of  couples, & I fell in love. I graduated college. I stayed in remission with my disease. Amazingly, a lot of those visions came true. The board was a little reminder to keep me on my life path. So make a day to sit in your space...get some good music, grab a latte, & start cutting out those words & images that you want for yourself ion 2014!  Whatever that be that makes you happy. Maybe you aren't a planner or enjoy making "To Do" lists, or vision boards like I do...so go...be spontaneous & reach for those dreams! Do the things you've been itching to do! Call that family member or friend. Forgive easily. Sleep in. Love fully. Or quit that job! Go back to school! Take that trip...that chance...those risks! After all...What you waiting for?!