A Flawed Species....Saying Goodbye to 2012

Reflection....2012

A writer....

Painting what I want....Yoga equals "Self-Love"

Coffee & Yoga....True Love

"You had the Power all along my dear." -Glinda the Good Witch from "The Wizard of Oz"

        2012....I can not be more happier that a new year is starting. Truly. When I look back on the year I wish I could grab my own self & say, "Breathe...it will all work out." It was a year of lots of moments. Growth, surprise, excitement, letting go, accepting people, taking chances, & believing even when I did not want to any longer. Look I am not gonna sit here & say how great it was because when I look back at the overall year it was hard. Truly one of the hardest & painful years I have ever been through. But the great part in that is after the storm there is always a rainbow. When I think of people I look up too~My Nana, Mariah Carey, & Marilyn Monroe I realize what they have in common is they have all survived some kind of turmoil in their lives. That is only one reason for my admiration for them though obviously. As Mariah once said, "I look at this moment as an incredible blessing. It's part of my struggle. It's made me a stronger person." So that is how I choose to look at the past year, no regret but just lessons. I saw the ugliest of myself within times, yet the strongest part of myself in other times.

      There was a lot of great moments in that I ran my second half marathon, I finished all my classes for my AA degree, I reached a lot of great girls with my writing on instagram like I had wanted to through this blog, I really deepened my yoga practice, & I saw that I can get back up after getting knocked down over & over. I want to be happy, healthy, & at peace. I want to leave behind the girl I was in 2012. Because she was not happy. When I turned thirty a few weeks ago I realized it is now or never. This will be my year. This will be my decade. I am over being a victim of the hard situations God has given me. Each situation I believe that is given to us is a test of our strength, belief, faith, & courage. If we handle each situation with those words we will thrive. I think for me the biggest catalyst of my depression in the year was my health issues, relapsing twice, & not finding an answer. We still do not have a diagnosis but I have faith that after almost two long years of waiting this will be the year. I have to put on my Super Girl Gear though & realize if & when I do relapse again I cannot let it take my happiness away. I need to keep focusing on this moment of remission & repeating everyday, "I am happy, healthy, & will get to where I want to be in life."

My 1st outside run in nearly 6 months...Pure Freedom!

      A few days after my thirtieth birthday this year I prayed & knew my perspective had to change. I stopped looking as God as someone who hated me because of all the unhappiness that was around me, especially in my health situation. Something inside said he was with me, in me, & not against me. But the only way I would know that was if I started to be thankful for what I already had, & to stop focusing on where I was, (which was where I did not want to be) but where I wanted to be, (in remission.) And a few days later after 6 long months my legs went back into remission & I was able to run outside! Do you even know how AMAZING that felt?! I knew it was not just a coincidence, but this was his way of letting me know he would heal me. First I had to heal myself. I admit I talked a lot more than I did this year. I am ready to DO this year. To really BE inspiring, to BE the artist I have always wanted to be & paint things I want to paint, not what I think people will like. To BE the independent woman I know I can be & get certain things in order. To BE more open, open to people's thoughts, to love, to taking chances, to change, to basically just be open....

Love, Laughter, & Hope in 2013....

        I am flawed & I saw a lot of my own flaws reflected back to me this year from people's words of what they really thought of me, either by saying it to my face or behind my back. Those words stung, but I am truly ready to take the pain & use it. To grow from the words that come from a place of love, & leave behing the ones that are not. To replenish the relationships I have pushed away because of my own issues, to prove not just the doubters wrong but show myself that I am good enough, smart enough, & worthy enough to have a Happy Ending too. So Thank-you to all the Amazing People who follow & take the time to read this blog. All I ever wanted was to be real & inspire others by being ME. I may have sounded like a broken record at times....but I was truthful & sometimes you have to repeat to yourself over & over that you will get through something in order to truly get over it. Remember no matter what your going through, you have to "Go through it to Get through it." Not everyone may have been able to relate to my blog this past year either if they were not going through a hard time, & that is okay. Each year is a chapter, & this was a harder chapter for me to take in. So let's say "Goodbye" to 2012 together & start fresh. I cannot wait to see the gifts God has in store for me....Happy New Year Loves!!!

   

Hello 30!!!

I'm ready for ya 30!!!

My Amazing Mariah Carey Birthday Cake!

On the Eve of my Big Birthday....

        Hello Loves!!! How are you all? Is December as crazy for you as it is for me? Christmas is in less than 2 weeks, a new year is coming, and I turned a new age & a new decade in the meantime. On December 7th I turned the Big 3-0! And I have to say it was a scary thought at first but now I am so far loving it & so ready to kiss my twenties Goodbye! But does this make me a Cougar now? LOL.. I have to admit I was so ready for a new year, new age, new start. This has since 2003 when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20 been one of the hardest years ever. I admit I have struggled deeply with depression, anger over my health, feeling alone, feeling trapped, basically feeling all those ugly feelings one does not want to feel. But I could not get myself out of the hole. Each day was a roller coaster...my big birthday was no exception. I ended up canceling the big party I had first wanted...& so I felt a bit disappointed in that but I realized I had to make the best of what was & enjoy who wanted to celebrate me. And if I knew how great things were gonna be after turning 30, I would of been less worried about how I was gonna celebrate it.

        The Sunday after my birthday I was playing on around YouTube & ran into a pastor by the name of Joel Osteen. I started watching his teachings & honestly for the first time in a long time I felt God. I felt reconnected & finally hopeful. Everything he said made sense. He talked about how when you focus on the discouragement & negative things, you will get more of that & never see the light. He said to move out of the self-pity mindset & know that God is in control of our lives & has a plan. He talked about that when we feel super hopeless know that God is not finished with us. For every major setback, God has an even bigger comeback. He said to be Thankful & stay in an attitude of faith. To stop dwelling, pray, & think about where we want to be not where we are at the current moment. I felt like finally after a year of shutting down my heart his words were finally opening it up again.

The New Painting I started today..feeling so Inspired again!

       Well just in the past week, I made a few amends with certain people whom had been on my mind, I finished hopefully my last semester for my AA degree, I continued to pray everyday more than I had in a while, I did yoga everyday, & felt better than I had in a long time. On Friday I got home from work, & realized that when I walked from my car to my bedroom my legs did not give out once. They also felt different & I was walking slow. Holy Crap. I called my Dad & walked up & down my backyard by the pool. "Um Dad...I'm walking normal again." I started crying & laughing...was I really going back into remission? After 6 long months I was finally going into good health. I could not believe it! I woke up Saturday & listened to Joel on my way to work. I could not help but realize that the minute I started praying again & thinking positive thoughts by focusing what was good in my life instead of what was bad had to make a difference. Every few hours I just smile & cannot believe I am able to walk normal again! It's something we take for granted. I still have my big appointment with UCLA in a few weeks because we still need to find out a diagnosis so we can figure out what causes these relapses, but in the meantime I am glowing.

       I want this year to be the best & I will make up for all the time I lost within my depression. I had literally just made an appointment with a Dr. to get on some anti-depressants the day my legs came back, but no need for that. All I wanted was my health for my birthday & God gave it too me...it was just a week late. Joel's teachings I feel came into my life for a reason as well. Being happy & positive is not easy & it's like a muscle you have to constantly workout everyday. I plan to do just that this year. I also plan to work on my relationships, my own demons, my goals, my dreams, & just be patient with God. He knows what he's doing. And I cannot wait to see what he's got in store for this new year.