Hello 30!!!

I'm ready for ya 30!!!

My Amazing Mariah Carey Birthday Cake!

On the Eve of my Big Birthday....

        Hello Loves!!! How are you all? Is December as crazy for you as it is for me? Christmas is in less than 2 weeks, a new year is coming, and I turned a new age & a new decade in the meantime. On December 7th I turned the Big 3-0! And I have to say it was a scary thought at first but now I am so far loving it & so ready to kiss my twenties Goodbye! But does this make me a Cougar now? LOL.. I have to admit I was so ready for a new year, new age, new start. This has since 2003 when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20 been one of the hardest years ever. I admit I have struggled deeply with depression, anger over my health, feeling alone, feeling trapped, basically feeling all those ugly feelings one does not want to feel. But I could not get myself out of the hole. Each day was a roller coaster...my big birthday was no exception. I ended up canceling the big party I had first wanted...& so I felt a bit disappointed in that but I realized I had to make the best of what was & enjoy who wanted to celebrate me. And if I knew how great things were gonna be after turning 30, I would of been less worried about how I was gonna celebrate it.

        The Sunday after my birthday I was playing on around YouTube & ran into a pastor by the name of Joel Osteen. I started watching his teachings & honestly for the first time in a long time I felt God. I felt reconnected & finally hopeful. Everything he said made sense. He talked about how when you focus on the discouragement & negative things, you will get more of that & never see the light. He said to move out of the self-pity mindset & know that God is in control of our lives & has a plan. He talked about that when we feel super hopeless know that God is not finished with us. For every major setback, God has an even bigger comeback. He said to be Thankful & stay in an attitude of faith. To stop dwelling, pray, & think about where we want to be not where we are at the current moment. I felt like finally after a year of shutting down my heart his words were finally opening it up again.

The New Painting I started today..feeling so Inspired again!

       Well just in the past week, I made a few amends with certain people whom had been on my mind, I finished hopefully my last semester for my AA degree, I continued to pray everyday more than I had in a while, I did yoga everyday, & felt better than I had in a long time. On Friday I got home from work, & realized that when I walked from my car to my bedroom my legs did not give out once. They also felt different & I was walking slow. Holy Crap. I called my Dad & walked up & down my backyard by the pool. "Um Dad...I'm walking normal again." I started crying & laughing...was I really going back into remission? After 6 long months I was finally going into good health. I could not believe it! I woke up Saturday & listened to Joel on my way to work. I could not help but realize that the minute I started praying again & thinking positive thoughts by focusing what was good in my life instead of what was bad had to make a difference. Every few hours I just smile & cannot believe I am able to walk normal again! It's something we take for granted. I still have my big appointment with UCLA in a few weeks because we still need to find out a diagnosis so we can figure out what causes these relapses, but in the meantime I am glowing.

       I want this year to be the best & I will make up for all the time I lost within my depression. I had literally just made an appointment with a Dr. to get on some anti-depressants the day my legs came back, but no need for that. All I wanted was my health for my birthday & God gave it too me...it was just a week late. Joel's teachings I feel came into my life for a reason as well. Being happy & positive is not easy & it's like a muscle you have to constantly workout everyday. I plan to do just that this year. I also plan to work on my relationships, my own demons, my goals, my dreams, & just be patient with God. He knows what he's doing. And I cannot wait to see what he's got in store for this new year.