Burnt Toast~making the Best of Life...

Me~learning to listen to the positives & realizing self-love is the best kind!

A perfect breakfast...even with the burnt toast.

Soaking up this time I get to rejuvenate & relax....

       Hello Loves, How are you all today? I hope everyone is doing good & doing good things for yourselves. I have been off all week because I bumped my head at work after dropping something & got a concussion...just my luck. Lol.. but instead of getting upset like I normally would have, I just laughed it off...okay the pain pills have helped with that but just saying. Ever since my post Monday, "My Butterfly Wings," I really have been working hard on changing my perspective & what a difference it's made. I got a lot of sweet feedback on that post yet also concerned emails..but that post was not supposed to cause worry or pity..it was to show the world,"I know I'm broken at the moment but now I have the glue to piece myself & my life back together," if that makes sense. And I am. This concussion has been a blessing in a way because I haven't had a chance to breathe or reevaluate why I have been so unhappy & now with this breathing space I have been able to do that.

        I remember about a month ago I heard that the country singer LeAnn Rimes checked herself into rehab for anxiety and stress, & I remember rolling my eyes like, "Oh gosh another spoiled star being dramatic." Yet  after suffering my first anxiety attack this past month plus a second one & having the Doctor at UCLA tell me my leg issues may be caused by chronic stress, I got it. Yesterday she appeared on the talk show, "Katie," and it was LeAnn's first post rehab interview & I sat down excited to watch it. I am glad I did because I felt less alone & inspired. She checked herself into rehab the day after her 30th birthday & said that it was the "Best Present she could give herself." I sat there & a light bulb went off. My 30th birthday is coming up in December & since I had already been in that place of wanting to get better it only made sense for me too as well check myself into rehab. Rehab for my anxiety, stress, & lack of self-love. Not physically of course, but mentally. One does not need a ton of money & a fancy rehab place in Malibu..but just a will to get better.

       So in that I have really soaked up this week off from school & work. I rested, watched "Housewives of Beverly Hills, NYC marathons," & even meditated with my Mom the other night. For those of you who know me, one of my favorite things to do is go through magazines & tear out articles that interest me as well as inspiring words, pictures, & quotes. Then with those I glue them in my journals when I write..my Dad always teases me as he sees the scissors & scattered magazines asking, "Are you playing paper dolls again?" I always laugh & feel a little silly but it is truly an outlet & way of expressing myself artfully. I have a few binders with sections of the articles such as "Health, Beauty, Inspiring Articles," & so on. So I have been getting inspired because I have had time to read the advice & actually apply it. I also looked at my finances & endless health bills,(another stress) & made a map of the next few months of what little I can pay so that I don't get overwhelmed. I also made a drawer of each section in my life-My Job, My Health, Relationships, Finances, etc. because my good friend Dee told me to draw a drawer & clean out one drawer at a time. So that is exactly what I am doing.

        I went back to work today, but my boss sent me home because I have not been cleared from the Doctor yet until I get my cat scan. I'm feeling better except my ears still really hurt. My appointment was later today but I went in early to see if I could get in, & I did. I love the Doctor so much & whether he knows it or not, he truly helped me & inspired me. He asked me what I was in school for, & I told him "Nutrition...but..," my voice trailed off. "But?" he asked. "My heart is in writing & painting, especially writing." He smiled, & said "Do what's in your heart. It'll lead you the right way. Maybe you could do something to help inspire others with rare diseases. You never know." He was so uplifting & I realized it really does take just one person to believe in you. I have many, yet this older jolly man made me feel really special & showed me my potential. He just listens & takes his time with me. I told him about my new leg issues since he had asked after seeing my cane, & he said, "I bet that makes you feel a bit isolated like nobody gets what your going through huh?" I held back the tears, but smiled,"Yes, but I'm on the upward slope & things ARE getting better."

            I will be off work a little bit longer, & probably lose some money but what I have been gaining & will gain is taking time for me, & organizing not only my life but my emotions as well. Maybe hitting my head literally woke me up..Lol. I burnt my toast the other day, but instead of getting annoyed, I just shook it off, ate it, & it wasn't as bad as I imagined. And that is how is my life now..I am learning to deal with the burnt toast in a positive way. And if it is..it will get better, & I am on my road to getting happy again. So don't lose hope loves, whatever your going through. You will want to get better emotionally, even it takes almost 2 years as it has took me. So stay strong & positive & remember..burnt toast ain't so bad after all.

     

My Butterfly Wings...they may bend but they'll never break...

Finding the strength within oneself is never easy...

Doing what makes me the happiest...

Serenity..even just for a moment....

        Hello Loves...How are you all? I miss you and I truly miss my blogging...in fact I miss me. The happy & healthy Janene I used to be...I apologize for being absent from my writing but in all honesty I started to feel like a broken record. Life has many chapters in one's life & I wish I could skip through this hard one I have been in the last 2 years. I backed away from writing about what I have been going through because I asked myself, " What am I really getting out of sharing my pain to the world?" But then I get a "Thank you for inspiring me" email or message. Then I remember... Yes there are things worse off..and people worse off than me. But I still have a right to feel what I feel. I am entitled to feel what I have been going through, especially the past few months. I pulled out my keys recently & saw that the wings on my butterfly key chain had broken. I started to cry but not over the key chain..but over the metaphor over the meaning. Because that is exactly how I feel. Broken..emotionally & physically...like my butterfly.

        Then this past weekend I had one of my best friends tell me "You have changed." I could of went on the defense but instead I said, "You're right. I have changed & I see it yet cannot stop it." But then I realized I can stop certain aspects. I can change my internal dialogue. Just like working out for our body, it takes just as much if not more effort to work on ourselves emotionally. I am sick..not just physically but emotionally. I want the Doctors to find a diagnosis over my not being able to walk without a cane, I want to flourish in my career, I want to eventually fall in love again, & I want to stop feeling sad & like I'll never be healthy again. I remember when I was 20 years old after being diagnosed with my autoimmune disease I hit rock bottom. But then I woke up one day & said "Enough is Enough." And hearing my best friend say that to me, it just struck a cord deep for me, because I know she is right.

I know I'll get back to me....

      There are a lot of external things & people that I cannot control in my life right now. There are a lot of opinions I have to block out because if I don't my spirit will suffer. I have to be patient with the diagnosis over my new health issue, I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I make, but most of all I have to make a list of all the things within my life that I am not happy over so that way I can start taking medicine to heal myself. Medicine meaning making certain tough changes that have needed to make a long time ago, use my yoga, running, meditation, writing, & self-love to heal myself. I know that this is a breakthrough & not a breakdown. My butterfly wings may be bent, but they'll never be broken.