My Butterfly Wings...they may bend but they'll never break...

Finding the strength within oneself is never easy...

Doing what makes me the happiest...

Serenity..even just for a moment....

        Hello Loves...How are you all? I miss you and I truly miss my blogging...in fact I miss me. The happy & healthy Janene I used to be...I apologize for being absent from my writing but in all honesty I started to feel like a broken record. Life has many chapters in one's life & I wish I could skip through this hard one I have been in the last 2 years. I backed away from writing about what I have been going through because I asked myself, " What am I really getting out of sharing my pain to the world?" But then I get a "Thank you for inspiring me" email or message. Then I remember... Yes there are things worse off..and people worse off than me. But I still have a right to feel what I feel. I am entitled to feel what I have been going through, especially the past few months. I pulled out my keys recently & saw that the wings on my butterfly key chain had broken. I started to cry but not over the key chain..but over the metaphor over the meaning. Because that is exactly how I feel. Broken..emotionally & physically...like my butterfly.

        Then this past weekend I had one of my best friends tell me "You have changed." I could of went on the defense but instead I said, "You're right. I have changed & I see it yet cannot stop it." But then I realized I can stop certain aspects. I can change my internal dialogue. Just like working out for our body, it takes just as much if not more effort to work on ourselves emotionally. I am sick..not just physically but emotionally. I want the Doctors to find a diagnosis over my not being able to walk without a cane, I want to flourish in my career, I want to eventually fall in love again, & I want to stop feeling sad & like I'll never be healthy again. I remember when I was 20 years old after being diagnosed with my autoimmune disease I hit rock bottom. But then I woke up one day & said "Enough is Enough." And hearing my best friend say that to me, it just struck a cord deep for me, because I know she is right.

I know I'll get back to me....

      There are a lot of external things & people that I cannot control in my life right now. There are a lot of opinions I have to block out because if I don't my spirit will suffer. I have to be patient with the diagnosis over my new health issue, I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I make, but most of all I have to make a list of all the things within my life that I am not happy over so that way I can start taking medicine to heal myself. Medicine meaning making certain tough changes that have needed to make a long time ago, use my yoga, running, meditation, writing, & self-love to heal myself. I know that this is a breakthrough & not a breakdown. My butterfly wings may be bent, but they'll never be broken.