The Blueprint...

Me just enjoying the Sun & reading of course...

Love...

My recent journal I wrote in for a year..starting my new one soon!

Hello Loves...Happy Sunday!!! Man...Summer is flying by! I start school in about a month so I am truly drinking summer in...laying out every free chance, reading non school books, staying up late & sleeping in...truly it's the best! How was everyone's week? Again THANK YOU so much to everyone who has been taking the time to read & comment on my blog! It means the world to me!!! And I honestly never realized people would...er uh be that interested..lol so Thank you! I have kept a journal since I was 12 years old so for me writing is fun, therapy, & one of my biggest outlets if not the biggest! (Running is a tie!) LOL...so this blog is not much of a stretch I'm just sharing with everyone. I also feel more free in a way in the sense that I have shared & opened up about my disease & my coping with it. It doesn't define me in any way & I do not share for pity, I just felt that if my struggle or the way I deal with the struggle can help someone or inspire that's all that matters. I did have a moment the other day after someone rudely pointed to my cane & say "What is that?! Why do you have that?!" Not in the sweetest tone either, I looked at my friend I was with & tried to hold back my tears but could not. "I don't know if I'm ready to go through this all over again." I told her as tears streamed down my cheeks. And sometimes I feel like I am not. Only two months out of the woods from my last relapse & here I am again. It's like 2 steps forward..10 back. But I felt better after I had my mini meltdown. Sometimes you need to just feel what your feeling, let it out, & then move on...ya know? I have been thinking a lot lately & I'll be 30 in less than 6 months & sometimes I think, "Holy Sh*t..Who am I & Where am I going?" It is hard seeing everyone couple up, get married, & have kids. Sometimes it feels like being in 5th grade being the last one to picked to be on someone's kickball team. I suck at sports so without a doubt I was always the last one picked..LOL. I hated sports though so I could care less, but it toys with your self-esteem in a way. And so as a single twenty something year old being the last to couple up does too. I don't know my inner self feels pulled in both directions with the idea sometimes. As much as it looks so comforting to couple up, so does the idea of finding comfort within myself instead. Love is truly one of the greatest feelings, but so is feeling that love for oneself. It's like having a solid blueprint before you build a house. Am I ready to build that with someone already? Am I selfish to not care? Sometimes I wonder if someone can handle me too..all of me? My hyper personality, my need for attention, my disease, my need to have my alone time, my need to feel loved 24/7? I do not know..I was in one relationship after another & now these last few years of being single have definitely had their ups & downs. But I'd say more ups than downs. Because FINALLY at 29 I feel braver to follow my little passions..my artwork, my yoga practice, my writing..the list goes on & on. I have become my own best friend & sometimes that ain't so bad either..if Love decides to find me again I think I'll be ready because I know that the blueprint is pretty solid; yet it is always a work in progress. Then again aren't we all?