Balance & Inspiration in a World of Chaos..Part 2

My 1st time running in over 2 months....I am GLOWING!

Perfect little moments of Pure Bliss.....Cotton Candy

Yoga Festival on the Santa Monica Pier.....

Me & My sweet girlfriend Jackie who invited me to the festival..

        Hello Loves..Happy Monday! How are you all? I am doing a part 2 of yesterday's blog because I felt so inspired by everything that had happened at the yoga festival I went to on the Santa Monica Pier. It was a beautiful day. I wrote in part 1 of yesterday's blog about finding quietness & balance when things around you are chaotic. Sometimes things around us may fall apart or we are feeling stress, good or bad. So if you can find even 5 minutes a day to relax, quite the worries in your mind...it will make you much of a balanced & calmer person. I got that while laying in meditation on the pier yesterday & it was truly a piece of bliss. But oh how quickly we forget...
     
         So here I was preaching about finding calmness within oneself when outside influences are trying to get in the way, but what I did not even acknowledge was that we need to be at balance within ourselves first. I realized that today about myself & it was a eye-opening situation. Well as you all know I  have been dealing with a relapse of my legs giving out, & I have to walk with a cane everyday which is not always fun. I started the treadmill this week to strengthen my legs & being on there running gave me pure bliss. As much as I love yoga, running will always be my #1 love. It is my time with God & Nana where I pray & sort out all the junk that has been building up inside of me. Today after I ran a good 45 minutes on the treadmill, my brother asked me how much was the Breast Cancer Race I had always ran for my Nana that I had been asking him to run with me for the last 9 years. I looked at him, "Why...your finally gonna run it this year..the one year I can't run it?" I don't know if it was me being premenstrual, (ladies you can relate..lol) or if it was just another reminder of my handicap, but my emotions got the best of me. I felt jealousy, anger, & everything I did not want to feel or even acknowledge.

       He was sort of thrown off my tone in answering his question, & I knew that it was not his intention to upset me, but I could not help it. I could not help the tears from falling. All that talk about being calm within the day before seemed to not even matter or help because I realized I am still not fully at peace within this new disability I have. I cried & said to him, "You just don't get it." But I could see in his eyes that he finally did. And I felt silly after but then I realized, "Shit I am human & I am still grieving my health in a way." I am devastated over the race & felt jealous of my brother's healthy legs. Then I started questioning why I started a blog in the middle of what I am going through, yet what if someone else is going through the same emotions as me facing a new diagnosis or a relapse of some kind. I thought of my mini meltdown on my way to work, & it hit me. We can truly only get calm in a world of chaos if we first quite the chaos within our own hearts & minds first. There will never be a perfect calmness, because life has it's ups & downs, yet all we can do is try.

       And so in that I want to say..I am still working on that calmness. You see, when I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease at 20, I went through a grieving process. I grieved my health & my old life. It was a pretty hard road, but once I had accepted it I was then able to move on & love the new me. Now since these leg issues started a year & a half ago I feel I am still in shock & grieving in a way. I don't want to dwell because life is sooo beautiful & I feel  blessed in many ways. But they still have yet to diagnose this, & after many tests, doctors, new meds, a handicap plate, I wonder if I'll ever to be "Janene" again. The last Doctor said it "could be from my Wegener's Disease, but they are not fully convinced because of the blood work not matching up. My girlfriends tell me I am silly to not pursue dating because of my cane, or tell me I need to "rock it no matter what." And I love them for that, but I haven't yet. After crying to my brother, it awoke me that I have been fighting the urge to really grieve my health like I allowed myself to do at 20. I have been pushing these feelings away of anger & sadness over my legs that it is almost worse. It is like putting a band aid on a cut instead of cleaning deep into the cut.

       So the realization was that I would only be able to fully find that inner calmness when I allow myself to feel, accept, & move on. And that this off & on cane use may be a new part of me. Then again it could go away once & for all. I will not give up hope on a diagnosis, but I am still in, I need to let myself go through it. Again I still question why I started a blog in the middle of my "Chaos of a life," yet I would not have it any other way. This is me...then. In a way writing to all of you & getting the amazing feedback of you feeling inspired gives me inner calmness. Even if that calmness is just for a minute or an hour like yesterday at the pier..I will never stop reaching for it. And you should not either, whatever you are all going through. I would never take back the experiences & lessons that have came with each health issue I have had because at the end of the day I know no matter what I am a strong ass girl. I am still in the storm, but I know when I see that rainbow I'll realize I have accepted this new part of me.