(Uncensored Part 2)

Creative Writing is my Therapy

Me, Myself, & I trying to see the positive...

Hello my Lovelys! Told you I would blog again soon..& I was actually really looking forward to it today because I am having a lot of emotions run through me right now..fear, gratitude, excitement, sadness, but then again happiness. Man don't I sound like a bundle of joy or what? LOL..Well as you all know I have had an amazing nonstop Festive Filled month this June with parties & weddings..but sometimes overdoing it is not good for my body. So there I was in hot yoga last night doing "Tree Pose" & my hands started curling in & hurting. I could no longer do the prayer poses with my hands. Then it happened...that moment where your stomach falls like on a roller coaster, but not the good kind. The pit of my stomach I just prayed that what was happening was not. Because if it was then it was the first sign of a relapse with my disease. After the grueling hour & twenty minute class we laid there in meditation or Savasana as the yogi's like to call it, I felt paralyzed. I did not want to get up because I knew that my life was going to be different then when I had come in. Back to that sick girl with the cane that people like to pity & ask every five seconds why I at such a young age have a cane. I know their intentions for asking are always good, but after ten times in a row, it gets draining. I wanted to remain the young vibrant healthy girl I walked in as, so I stayed as long as I could hoping somehow my body would transform back to how it was at the start of class. By late last night my walking had turned slower & now today I am going through the motions. Then after those symptoms usually within the next few days my legs will start to collapse when I walk. I am praying somehow this time the symptoms will change & I'll be okay, but it's hard because when you have something like this you are in tune so well with your own body. These relapses only seem to last for months at a time, first time was six months, & the most recent was about three. But when my legs give out I have to use the cane & people take notice. When I'm in remission I fool everyone that I'm just a normal healthy twenty-something year old. But with the cane, my secrets out. Nine years ago was my diagnosis with "Wegeners Granulomatosis" but only a year ago is when the leg issues started, & as a runner, yoga lover, & someone who lives in heels it's heartbreaking. Okay thought I would add some light humor with the heels part..LOL. I am leaving for Chicago next week to be in my cousin's wedding & my nightmare would be to have to use the cane with my beautiful bridesmaids dress next week, but you know what? This is me. And some days I will be able to run, some days I will be able to strut my stuff in very high leopard heels, or some days I will not even be able to walk faster than a 90 something year old because of the pain in my joints. I had a really fun day with one of my best friends Rasha & her two little daughters, & yes I was moving slow & not feeling my best but I just embraced the beauty of today. We got yummy iced vanilla lattes, bought some healthy groceries together at Trader Joes, tanned at the pool, & as her daughters called me "Auntie Janene" it made me feel so happy & loved. And I realized I just truly have to just smile & make the best of my situation. Their acceptance showed me I am way more than a girl dealing with a illness, I am a loved Auntie to some, & to them someone who could physically swim & laugh in the water with them. So relapse or not, I can't look at it as so negative but just soak up the happy moments, like today when Rasha's daughter Suri looked at me today & made it a point to say, "Love you." So relapse or not I am loved & Chicago will still see me smiling next week, cane or not.