"Dear God, where can I buy a map?"

Have you ever felt like Dorthy in the "Wizard of Oz?" Not knowing which yellow brick road to take?

      Hello Loves! How are you all doing? Can you believe it is the last day of April? Tomorrow May begins & it is going to be a crazy month for me! Am I ready? Well I don't really have a choice & for the most part it is all exciting things that will be happening, but it is just a matter of keeping my stress levels down, & like even today as much as I did not want to run I forced myself to jump on the treadmill.  Then my two best friends stopped by but I still got on the treadmill as we visited...Lol! It is all about multi-tasking, & us women are amazing at it. So what is to come in May? Well I will be graduating with my AA in a few weeks, & it has been a long road with my learning disability as well as my health issues, having to drop classes & things like that. So I am excited. Along with balancing work, social things, working out, & making some other big changes it is already starting to feel overwhelming.
      So today I decided to see my school counselor to see what my next move was in terms of transferring & getting my BA in English. I only have two classes after this coming semester for English to transfer, but just a few months ago after questioning what would I do with an English degree it finally hit me. To major in English & become an elementary teacher & that way I could teach kids my love of writing, art, & so on. And still write on the side in hopes of getting a book published but yet having a steady job. It was perfect & I finally felt settled in what direction I was going until today. I learned that basically if I wanted that career path it would be a minimum of nearly four years. I was heartbroken, & for the first time being thirty actually hit me. All I could think was, "Holy Sh*t! I don't have four years!"
      As the day went on...I finally found a word I could attach to my emotions. It was "LOST," I feel lost that I want to make changes in my life but I also want to finish school in terms of getting a BA, yet time is so precious. Also this feeling of regret & anger at myself came over me. I have wasted time in not knowing what I was gonna do with my life, & now it seems too late to start the path I want too. I know it is never to late, but than I look at my friends my age & I start playing that "Comparison Game." For the first time in a long time, I really do not know what to do or which direction to go. What is in my heart? To become a writer above anything else. I think taking the risk of really just focusing on my English degree & not knowing it will all work out is paralyzing to me. I want to write an amazing & inspiring book to help other women more than anything, but I feel this pang of insecurity in thinking that wanting to become a professional writer is as fickle as saying that I want to become a rock star. I don't know, & it is a scary feeling. Have you ever felt that way? If so what did you do or where did you seek your answer? I would really love & appreciate your feedback. I have two choices. I can just go for the English & teaching degree full force. Or just go straight for the English degree & be done in less than two & a half years & just focus on getting my writing out there. One thing is certain & that is I do believe in my writing because all I write is my truth.
      Last week I went to a poetry reading at school for one of my classes & I was so enamored with the author that I even got butterflies to talk to her after the show. I regretted so much not expressing to her how amazing I thought she was, but little did I know I would get my chance. The next day in my other writing class, she walked in as our guest speaker, & I remember thinking that God had given me a second chance to speak to her. So I raised my hand nervously & asked her how she got over the fear of sharing her poetry & not letting that feeling of vulnerability paralyze her from even sharing it to begin with. She told me that there will always be that fear, & that it never really fully goes away. I told her that I have stacks of poems I almost never share, yet last year when I did, it got published by a professor at school. She told me that sometimes it's better to fabricate your stories so that way you don't give it all away. "Otherwise it's just you reading your journal out loud," she said. My cheeks turned red from embarrassment, because being extremely raw & open was the only way I know how to write. Were all my poems just sappy stories of my past? Then it hit me..so what! In the end, nobody else really knows what is fabricated in one's writing & what isn't anyway. And I realize that my truth may be someone else's truth, & if my poems can help them feel a little less alone than it is all worth it. My writing makes me feel emotionally naked but I would not have it any other way. That is what writing is all about anyways; feeling inspired to inspire & connected. I just have to write what comes naturally. So that is exactly what I have to do with my next move; do what will come naturally.

Writing is what has & will always fill my SOUL....