Finally....I feel like I'm there

"Age gave me the freedom to be me.."

      ~ When I was younger I was always living in the future. I used to think, "I'll be happy when I'm thinner, prettier, more popular"....there was always some place I was reaching to get to so I could give myself permission to be happy. Little did I know this whole time it was here all along; it was already within me ~

        Hello Loves! Happy Monday...can you believe it's already the holiday season? I love it! I love the warmth within strangers, gingerbread lattes, windy days...it's just a special time. So I was thinking of this past year & in a few weeks I'll be coming upon my 31st birthday. Wow...time flies when you're having fun. 30 has literally been one of my most defying and growing years in so many amazing ways. The other day I was at a family baptism & a few of my family members said to me & to my Mom how I seem so happy. And you know what? They're absolutely right. I have never felt at peace in so many ways & I truly believe turning 30 has done that. 

       As most of you who have followed my blog and daily self-love posts on instagram know my story. And for those of you who don't...well let's just say it was a rocky road to get to where I am. But I would not have it any other way. I realized that next month will be a year since I have been in remission with my legs. I have not had to use a cane, no crazy Doctor apts...just my regular appointments to check up on my autoimmune disease to make sure I stay in remission. I am so blessed to be healthy, & there is never a day that goes by that I don't thank God for that. Especially since the past two & a half years I was always sick & relapsing.

     

     I was lucky enough to fall in love, not once this year but twice. And even though that break up hurt me back in the beginning of summer, I'll always be grateful for that time. My ex showed me to believe in love again, & now my current love has showed me what a "Fairy Tale Love" feels like. I've found my true soul mate in my childhood best friend. I joked with him the other day that if I would of known he'd be the one at 15, I could of saved myself so many years of sadness, bad dates, & heartache with men. But he'd reminded me that timing was everything. He's right...because I was that girl who never felt good enough therefore I chose guys who maybe weren't the best for me. They disappointed me, left me speechless at times, & broke my heart. Yet each relationship showed me who I was, each ending led me to a new beginning. A stronger version of myself. And now that I have Donald, I see that he only helps to guide me to be a better person. A more loving, compassionate, & strong person. With him I'm "there" already. 

        But best of all, turning 30 gave me the freedom to be me. The brave me, the vulnerable me, the genuine me, & in the end I FINALLY felt like I discovered the true beauty in me. As a teen I was so mean to myself, & constantly living in the "When I get there," mentality. I was searching for the perfect number on the scale, when this year I finally threw out my food journal & scale & just made the decision to eat to live, not live to eat. And I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I graduated college with my AA, & I plan to go back but after years of struggling with my learning disability,  I am taking a break. Graduation was a breakthrough moment because for me it validated my perseverance. And never feeling smart enough has always been a huge insecurity for me. And when I put on that cap & gown this year, I felt "there" FINALLY. I had my first solo art show & sold pieces, which was so gratifying because I was FINALLY brave enough to share my personal pieces of art. I FINALLY left my job of ten years, & got over my fear of unknown territory. All these dreams had started to become reality & it was as if I was on the outside looking in. 

        I feel like all these happy moments are everything I deserve. Only pure happiness can be appreciated when you have been through dark phases. My faith in God & praying to my Nana has helped. Writing has helped. Running & yoga have helped. My family & friends have helped. But in the end it all came down to changing my perspective. And last year a few days after my 30th birthday something FINALLY clicked, & I knew if I wanted to be truly happy I'd have to work for it. And I have...& the beauty in that is I was so close to being "there"...but I just had to allow myself to FINALLY realize it. And you all will too, if you haven't already.