(uncensored)

Hello my Lovelys...
Well I told you all I would be real right? Today was a really hard day. Have you ever felt so alone sometimes where you feel as though you are speaking a foreign language and no one seems to hear you or understand? That was today and sort of well the whole week. There are beautiful things in my life at the moment I know that..school is ending this semester, I have a second date with the boy who gave me butterflies last week,  I have my purple bunny back..yes a lot to be grateful for. But there are those days where you wanna scream because the isolation is too much, and in a way we tend to isolate ourselves more when we are down. Which is not always good, today though I wanted to be alone after certain things in the day and in the last week upset me.
I guess sometimes for a moment you wanna be somewhere else or someone else because their life seems so much easier. Yes the grass can seem always greener, so I always try not to let those feelings get the best of me..I am nor ever have been a jealous person because I believe when you envy someone you should take it and use it as inspiration to better yourself. On the other hand, I truly have been trying to stay strong with my autoimmune disease flaring up and not feeling I can control that. It gets frustrating because it's somehow changed in a sense where the pain comes more often and I can't hide it, yet the odd thing is lately I feel like nobody takes it seriously because it is not visible. I find myself trying to defend that I am really in pain, but I feel that certain people in my life nod and smile but they really feel like I am being dramatic or whatever. So because I don't have visible bruises or a bald head because of chemo does not mean that I was not on a chemo pill form for this disease because I was when I was first diagnosed, and just because the bruises are not showing does not mean they are not there underneath my skin just like my emotional pain.
I know people have it worse, I truly do. I watched my Brave Nana fight Breast Cancer for years and never complained, but she was stronger I guess. Although she gives me strength every time I pray to her now since she's in heaven. But I also know that I have a right to be scared and frustrated that as a 29 year old I've had to deal with this since I was 20 and none of my friends have had too. But I don't need to prove to anyone or get their approval to have a bad day with it, because in the end we have just us. So I finally surrendered trying to get empathy and get them to understand me, and decided I just needed a "ME" day. I turned off my cell, put my PJ's on, put on my favorite dvds, picked up a frozen yogurt with chocolate chips, and wrote. One person who always gives me comfort is my Dad, who's out of town and called me. Nothing I say is ever foreign to him, but I guess that's what happens with your best friends, they just get it. So now you know why I titled today's blog "uncensored." Raw I know but were all human and have these days, so my Lovelys know were never truly alone because we all have off days..but the good news is they will eventually pass.